ELDEREPI THREE (again, just a fun romp)
By annsmac, Bert, Jo, Michele
CONTINUED FROM THE END OF "THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY QUAHOG"
(End of "Quahog")
The entire assemblage applauded and shouted in great joy of heart. Sir John smiled modestly and said, "I will
keep it, my friends...but only until 2004 when, if justice be served, King Jack will become its rightful owner."
Again the room was filled with claps and shouts...and each of the knights gathered a lady into his arms, kissing
her as only a character knight can do. And Gladiator kissed "I" the best of all....of course!
***************
Part 1: Jo
The mass kissing was interrupted when
the walls of the castle suddenly folded outwards as though an unseen
giant hand were collapsing a cardboard box. The rug in the great hall looked suspiciously like our flying carpet
and, sure enough, it was soon given a hearty yank and all the characters and all the ladies were plopped right
back on the deck of Aubrey's ship yet once again!!
As we all stood there in some consternation, our lips still tingling from the kissing scene of seconds earlier, the
vessel was transmogrified before our very eyes...and under our very feet! The salt-soaked planking sparkled
and glowed and became some strange metallic alloy as the entire shape of the ship, which had been ship-shaped,
now became a sleek intergalactic, warp- driven, you-got-it-kid....starship...so called, of course, because Rusty
himself as well as all his characters were aboard.
Tracking down Captain Aubrey, who was seated at the command station drinking coffee and watching various
lights blinking and winking and twinking, I asked him why the space trip.
"WHY?," he fairly shouted, "You ask WHY of a man who has spent day after day after day after day wearing
wet wool in the Mexican sun, confronting himself in a fog storm and who may have lost the battle for Opie at the
Alamo? I'll tell you WHY!!!" He grasped a piece of the front of his uniform between his thumb and forefinger.
"See this?" he continued. Noting my puzzled look, his eyes sparkled and a wide grin graced his handsome face.
"It's not wool," he laughed, "and it's not wet. And we are heading far, far away from the
I joined him in his grin. He was quite right, you know! Not a
single Rusty character had ever left the gravitational
pull of the Earth. It was about time!!!
I looked about the room. Not only were lights blinking and
tribble-like, all over the place....just waiting to see
which character would come through the swishing doorway next. Who would be the science officer? Who the
doctor? Who the aliens? Who would Michele chase down the curving hallways? Who would Pat or Janna or
Susan lure into the back recesses of engineering? What dastardly plot would Ann come up with after drinking
that strange blue liquid? Where would Wanda wander looking for crewmen in tight white pants? What planetary paradise was Bert setting course for?
Part 2: annsmac
"Terry?
Are you sure we're supposed to be doing this?"
"Don't
you trust me anymore?"
"Well,
I don't trust you any less, that's for sure."
"The
secret to negotiations is patience. If we've been kidnapped, we'd best find a place to settle in for the long
haul. And I can show you just how patient I'll be."
"I,
on the other hand, will show you how impatient I can be, Terry."
"Besides,
if we don't get in the Holodeck, Maximus and Jo will beat us there."
"Oh.
Good plan. That's what I like about you secret ops guys. Always a few steps ahead."
Terry
pulled annsmac to a stop. They peered around the curve of the deck. There before them stood the control
panel and access door to the famed Holodeck. Years of wasted youth spent watching Capt. Kirk and Spock were
finally being put to good use. Years of wasted adulthood perving on Capt. Picard might come in handy down the
road for annsmac. Although, one look at Terry in his new uniform chased those thoughts out of her head almost
the moment they were there.
Camo
Star Trek uniform? Who would have believed it.
"Damn,"
Terry muttered. "Why is it military men think alike?"
Annsmac
peered around his body. Jo and the General were already inside.
Just
then, laser fire sparked across the space they were in and with one mighty blast, the Holodeck's entire control
panel was erupting in sparks of many different colors.
"Cool
special effects," annsmac muttered as Terry grabbed her around her waist and pulled her from danger.
They looked over to find before them the fine figure of Capt. Archer. Looking around at the three men, annsmac
asked Jo, "Did it just get hotter in here?"
Capt. Archer cleared his throat to get the group's attention. "Capt. Jack warned me you'd try to make for the
Holodeck. He suggested for troop morale that I put it out of commission for this journey. Besides, we need your
minds on something else besides… well, you know."
Jo and
annsmac traded knowing looks. Yep. They knew.
"Your
mission, should you decide to accept it, although you really don't have a choice but I just like my crew to
think they have a choice because I'm rather a New Age military commander so…"
"Archer,
get to the point, mate," Terry ordered.
"Right.
Our shields are down and Maximus, I understand you know something about shields so you're needed in
the shield room in engineering. And, Terry, aliens have captured Russell and Nash. They're holding him for ransom. They want the mathematical formula for the quantum theory that's locked inside Nash's mind and they took Russell because they don't know the difference between reel life and real life. Anyway, I understand you have skill in
negotiating and rescuing, so we need you in the Captain's Ready Room to help out."
Part 3: Jo
I followed Maximus to the shield room where he was gathering armfuls of them, intending to pass them out to
the disposable guys in the red shirts to make a turtle formation around the hull. It took a bit of effort on my part
to convince him that the disposable guys in the red shirts would either explode or float away in such a circumstance. Brilliant
general that he was, he nonetheless simply had no grasp of outer space.
Back
out in the corridor, a strange figure in a long dark robe with facial growth that astounded one not yet used
to such large areas of cheeky flesh being matted in hair, came striding by, his eyes focused on his own nose, every
muscle tensed.
"What's the matter with Colin?" I asked Bert.
"It is the 'time of madness' for the fuzzy-faced people of his tribe," she helpfully explained. "He must mate within
23 and 1/2 hours or turn into an overripe tangerine."
Surely, I thought there would be one amongst the crew who
would save him from such a terrible fate.
Part 4: annsmac
The lift opened so silently. Dead uneasy silence greeted them as they entered the bridge. Bright lights, shifting
symbols and strange buttons decorated the control panels along the walls. But no beings, human or otherwise,
were decorating the bridge.
"Something
tells me we're in trouble," annsmac whispered to Terry.
Their eyes met for a second and then Terry edged them out of the lift and onto the bridge. "Phasers on stun," he
said grimly.
"Stun?
Are you outta your mind, man? You said you watched these shows. Do you see any nameless red-shirts
around? If there are no nameless red-shirts around to be killed and the phasers are only on stun, then that's when something really bad happens to one of the guest stars," annsmac replied. "Let's put these suckers on maximum
power."
"Good
point," Terry said.
Just
then, the door to the Captain's Ready Room slid open. They were both armed and ready to fire at any threat
coming through the door, but thankfully it was only Capt. Jack.
"Bloody
Hell, Jack. What's going on?" Terry asked.
Capt.
Jack took in the room with a weathered eye. He went to the Captain's chair and punched in the communications signal. "Report. All hands, are there any Star Trek crewmen left aboard?"
Over
the next ten minutes, we heard from every area of the ship. No crewmen were left – none from any of the
television incarnations and none from the movie versions, either.
It was
just them – the RC characters and the women.
Annsmac
looked out the front view screen at the vastness of cold space. Where had they gone, she wondered.
And why only the Star Trek people? Was it just a matter of the author of the tale wanting to keep the storyline
simpler? Was it that Jo wanted the RC characters and women to take over the Star Trek roles? Or was it
something more perverse?
And,
she wondered, how would they ever find Nash and Russell?
Part 5: Jo
Having convinced Maximus that there were better ways of shielding our vessel than the Roman turtle, he and I
"What's THAT?" asked Maximus as we passed it.
"Oh, that was Colin once upon a time," I replied. "His deadline obviously has passed."
Maximus flared his perfect nostrils in distaste.
We entered the Captain's Ready Room where Terry, looking
fetching in his camo space uniform (it fit really
well and the fact that his equipment was....outstanding...was quite evident) and annsmac were pouring over
charts of the Tuscan Quadrant where the Tuscan Raiders had taken Rusty and Nash. Maximus lowered his lids
halfway, looking at me in that way he has, and whispered, "Ah....you DO remember Tuscany, my sweet...the
gardens, the fountains, the long afternoons in the pool....?"
Terry smacked his palm on the desktop, "TUSCAN, Maximus! Tuscan... NOT
Maximus, ignoring him, rubbed his thumb along the curve of my cheekbone. Why had we come to the Ready
Room? I had completely forgotten! Oh, YES.... we had to find the...oh, how could I THINK with that thumb so
gently stroking, now down along my jaw line... we had to find...there was somebody or something we had to
find...."
A loud clearing sound from a male throat sounded behind
us. It was Captain Aubrey, his uniform practically in
shreds. I smiled. Yes, it WAS hard to get down a corridor lined with CroweWomen....it truly was!! He set his
sextant down on the table as I made a mental note to get him somewhat more up to date navigational equipment.
Jabbing his finger at a small system in the heart of the Tuscan Quadrant, he announced gravely, "The trail of breadcrumbs from their Tuscan Loaf Ship leads directly here."
All of us leaned forward for a closer look. Oh, NOOOOO! Not the dreaded Daily Planet!!! Any planet but THAT
one!!! Captain Aubrey, taking note of the horror that had plastered itself across our faces like over-thickened
oatmeal, nodded grimly. "Yes, I fear that is where the Tuscan Raiders have taken our men. No doubt they will
shortly be using the monstrous Tuscan mind probe on them in order to get the quantum theory formula."
Not the Tuscan mind probe! Even Maximus began to tremble at the thought of its terrible awfulness! My eyes filled
with large oblate tears as I pictured the captives being led into that purple, padded room to face the unspeakable
torture of the Tuscan probe.
Part 6: Bert
Suddenly a voice came over the ship's communication network, "Hey Jo, Max!! Help! Zoom us up - we're still sitting
in this
hot spring down here in Camelot!"
"It's
BEAM us up, Dearest - not zoom!" Bud replied sweetly to Bert.
"Couldn't we stay here just a little longer and do, er, enjoy the spring some
more?" Bert pled.
"Dearest, my friends need me to help recover Rusty and Nash - elsewise this story will never come to an end.
After everyone is safe, we can come back to the spring if you like!"
Bert
and Bud began to call again, not even having an inkling of what they are getting themselves into, but painfully
and sadly aware of what they were getting themselves out of....
Jeff looked up from his task. He gave in to it, the feeling of the magnitude of the job he was expected to be doing.
How, in God's good name, would a lowly plumber from
a Star Ship?
"Just
promise me I won't have to say, "I'm giving her all she's got, Captain. I fear she's about to blow," Jeff said.
"What
do ya supposed this button over here does?" Jeffrey
asked. "Shall I push it and see?"
Without
waiting for an answer, he pressed in on the blue button and the ship shuddered. They looked at each other
as the voice boomed over the communicator console. "What are you people doing down there?" Captain Jack demanded.
"Uh…
Just working out the kinks, Captain," Jeffrey replied.
Meanwhile,
on the Bridge, Terry had assumed the role as the
Communications Officer, ready to open a channel to negotiate with the vile hordes of Tuscan lowlifes inhabiting the Daily Planet.
Capt.
Jack had appointed Maximus as his Number 1, assuring that adventure would be his as he would surely lead
any away team.
Annsmac
was still staring into the cold vastness of space. She
pictured the mind probe on the Daily Planet. Rusty
and Nash didn't stand a chance, she thought. Imagine the horror of it all – an entire planet of tabloid writers and paparazzi and… no place to hide from them. Questions of the rudest and most vulgar variety. Stories in which the
truth never saw the light of day. Articles filled with innuendo. Photos of the most undignified and invasive poses.
But
worst among the tortures that would surely crack stalwart Rusty… it was the fact that on Tuscan, there were
over five hundred ways to say the phrase… surly bastard.
They
would never run out of ways to torture them. "Damn those Tuscans," annsmac muttered.
"Ahead,
Warp Factor 5," Captain Jack told
Part 8: Jo
Captain
Jack ordered Chief Engineer Jeff to beam aboard Bert and her bud, Bud. "They've been cavorting in that
He swung the captain's chair around so quickly, Juditha, who had been perched fetchingly on one of its arms, was
sent flying across the bridge...straight into Maximus' arms. Jo's thumb quickly went to the control on her phaser,
but a sudden attack of generosity stayed her hand. "Thirty seconds," she whispered hoarsely.
"Thirty."
Juditha just batted her lashes. She was betting Jo was more bark than bite. But, then, she had not been on
oceanless, windswept Austinia when Jo had singlehandedly subdued an entire squadron of screaming yellow egg monsters. Nor had she witnessed Jo's defeat of the maddened masses of Audrarian bookworms. (Hey, it's MY
chapter!!!) Jo's eyes glittered a brief moment, but, as she decided to let Juditha live, her lips curved into a slight
smile. This could wait. She had more important matters needing her attention.
Rusty and Nash were being led to the purple padded torture chamber where the horrible Tuscan mind probe was
about to begin. Soon the overheated spotlights would be shown mercilessly in their haggard faces. Soon the dreaded "surly bastard" phrases would be drilled over and over and over until their skulls were so saturated with it that implosion would be the result and the Tuscans would then be able to gather up Nash's secrets as they lay scattered
about the floor. It was messy...but effective!
Captain Aubrey was obviously thinking the same thoughts as he snapped, "Warp 45!" at
Lachlan
"I do, indeed!" growled Aubrey. "We need to
get there five
hours ago. It's the only way!"
"But...but....Sir!" protested
"Enough!" spat out Aubrey. "Why do you think I've had Jeff secretly installing new plumbing in engineering for
the last 4 minutes?" With that, Captain Aubrey spun his chair again and Rose, perched also fetchingly on the other
arm, went flying toward Maximus, too.
Jo made a mental note, "Jam swivel mechanism on Captain's chair ASAP."
Aubrey, in his most commanding voice, commanded commandingly into his communicator, "Jeff! Turn on ALL
the spigots NOW!"
"ALL of 'em,
Cap'n?" Jeff's voice replied with somewhat of a quiver.
"Yes, ALL!" shouted Aubrey.
"Aye, Cap'n!" Jeff responded. "I'll give her all she's got, but I fear she may blow!" Jeff forgot to turn off his communicator quickly enough and a
soft, "Sheesh!" was heard throughout the bridge.
Aubrey frowned, but turned to face Bert and Bud, who stood together, dripping wet and wrinkled like Pussorian
Prune
People. "And YOU TWO, " he began....
Bert, having never been beamed (or zoomed or panned and scanned, for that matter), quickly shrank behind Bud's
Capt. Jack continued, "Get below and change into your uniforms before your prunish looks make everyone think
you're Bajoran or worse."
Off we
went to our private quarters where we found our uniforms as well as our assignments for the mission. Dr. Wigand, not surprisingly, is to be the ship's Science Officer, while Lieutenant White will serve as head of Starship
Security. Bert's sole mission to keep them both happy!
At that very moment, we felt a sudden shudder as the ship went Warp 45, jarring us all off our feet with a violent
jerk!
Part 10: Jo
Having managed to stumble across the bridge in the covert manner Jo had learned while in intensive special ops
training on the outer moon of Crowepovia, she carefully crashed forcefully into Maximus' chest, fully dislodging
the two females who had been over-long in his proximity.
Together he and she stared at the deck...who WAS this violent jerk who had jarred most of the crew off their feet?
It was... Handosity, the bi-part alien we had rescued from the WandAndrean slave traders of Londiniumississippoo.
Even for those of us used to alien life forms, Handosity was strange to behold. Half his head was bald and half
purple. He had strange markings all over his body from which blue goo oozed slowly. The WandAndrean slave
traders, however, found this not only attractive, but tasty, and were known throughout the quadrant for keeping Handositerians as leashed pets, yanking on their chains and licking them unmercifully at will. From time to time
the Suevilesians would surprise a WandAndrean slave ship and, though they never freed the Handositerian
captives, tended to use them in their male harems. But I digress!
We were zooming across the quadrant at warp 45, our clocks ticking backwards. Jo smiled, remembering the last
time her clocks had ticked backwards. It was during the terrible year of the intergalactic Toaster Wars when the
Tuscan Loaf Ships would have all but destroyed the Maltese Melba Mariners were it not for her clever plot to impersonate their Bread Queen, raisins and all. Who but she would have ever discovered that a photon torpedo
carrying a peanut butter warhead, in the guise of an innocent CrumpetCraft, would be their ultimate weapon of destruction? Ah, but that had been last week...and now was...well...now. And now the brainmatter of both Rusty
and Nash were in immediate peril. Something must be done...and done within the past four and a half hours!
Part 11: Michele
Cort and Michele had been in the head listening to all the various transmissions about getting the Starship up to
speed to save the minds of John Nash and Rusty.
"You
know Michele if we leave this saving stuff up to this crew, Rusty's definitely a goner."
"I
think we should work with the crew, Cort."
"Crew
cut? I thought you loved my hair."
"No, the crew, Cort, not the crew cut."
As she reached to touch Cort's hair, Parcher appeared before her and said, "Don't drink the water that spins
around in the silver bowl."
Parcher continued, speaking seriously to Michele, "Listen to me closely, John Nash is communicating with you telepathically. You must deliver this message to the Captain A.S.A.P."
Part 12: Jo
Michele and Cort ran for the turbolift. The backwards ticking clock was ticking and ticking and time was running
out. Soon Rusty and Nash's gray matter would be ....no, no, it was too much to even think about!!
"Captain Aubrey!" Michele panted upon her arrival on the bridge. "Nash has sent me a message!"
Aubrey looked at the young crewmember. The front of her uniform was coated with dust. He had no doubt as to its origins. Ah, yes, Cort burst onto the bridge a second later, large portions of his ubiquitous dusting missing. A dust transfer had obviously taken place in the recent past. It was a continual problem he had with these two particular
crewmembers.
Aubrey glanced at Terry, manning the communications console. "Have you heard from Nash?" he queried quickly.
"Not a
Peep!" replied Terry, struggling to fit his equipment under the console.
Aubrey turned back toward Michele, "Then how do YOU have
a message from him, CrewPerson Michele?"
Michele blushed, creating a rosy glow under the layer of dust on her left cheek. "It's all in my mind, Captain."
Aubrey lowered his eyelids to half staff, studying her carefully. This one was a loose canon. He remembered her
from their days aboard the Rose. Where was that ship's doctor when you needed him!!! He could hear the distant
sound of cello music wafting up through the air ducts.
"All in your mind?" he repeated.
"Yes, Captain, " Michele
continued. "Parcher told me Nash has been communicating with me telepathically!"
"Parcher, eh?" Aubrey's brows
knitted together at the man's name. "So, Parcher told you this?"
Michele was so busily shaking her head up and down in manic 'yes' motions, she failed to notice that her captain
had silently signaled two security officers to come up behind her. Grabbing her by her elbows, they hauled her off
toward the ship's hospital.
"NO....NO....You don't understand," she wailed as her black boots dragged across the deck, "Parcher is REAL!!!
He's REAL! And Nash IS communicating with my brain from the purple padded torture chamber on the Daily
Planet!!!" Her cries were finally muffled by the swishing sound of the closing doors.
Crewperson Bertimus, standing next to Cort, licked the tip of her index finger and drew it slowly down Cort's
jawline. She studied the dampened dust it had gathered, then tasted it, smiled and commented, "Maybe those WandAndrean slave traders have something there."
Jo, still beside Maximus, shook her head and said, "That's the blue goo from the Handositerian body markings, Bertimus, NOT facial dust from the Cortesian DustPeople!"
Bertimus just grinned. SHE knew just what she was doing!!!
They entered orbit around the Daily Planet just then, so
everyone's attention centered back on the matter at hand.
"Full screen!" Aubrey commandingly commanded. Such a masterfully commanding commander he was! The
viewscreen showed the Daily Planet with its purplish ring of loaf particles encircling it. Ah, the deadly loaf particles.
Just a single atom from one of them could blow a ship into a million blastoids. Were Rusty and Nash still in the
land of the living or had their brains been surlied into implosion? What WOULD the away crew find once they
had beamed to the surface
of the Daily Planet?
Chapter
13: annsmac
Maximus advanced to the transport deck and looked around. He looked over his shoulder at his away team and
tried hard not to look doubtful. Why was the great general himself about to have his molecules scrambled and
cast thousands of miles toward the surface of the Daily Planet and then somehow reassembled? What if something
went wrong? What if he somehow was reassembled incorrectly? Oh, the horror.
"Trust
me, Maximus. You won't even know it's happened," Terry told him.
"What
do you know? You and your equipment," Bud snarled. Bud, never having seen Star Trek, was as unimpressed with the whole idea of `beaming' as Maximus.
Jo
rolled her eyes. Men. They just didn't trust very easily, did
they? But, then again, we are talking about Jo, who
was known throughout the galaxy for single-handedly subduing an entire squadron of screaming yellow egg
monsters and for orchestrating the stunning defeat of the maddened masses of Audrarian bookworms. Jo knew
no fear. Jo knew no limits. Jo knew only one thing – she was going with Maximus and the away team to be sure
not Daily Planet LoisLaneWannabes got their dirty pens on her man.
"The
press conference has already started," annsmac told
them. "They've already started in with the torture
process. In fact, they're on the fortieth question about whether or not Rusty got Nash's accent right. But, it gets
worse. Somehow in the course of only three hours of relentless grilling by the Media Beasts, they've used up 376
`surly bastard' phrases. Rusty's color has turned to deep purple. Captain Jack fears the implosion is imminent."
"There's
no time to lose. Let's see if they want to dance with some men for a change," Bud grunted out.
The away team took their positions and Jeffrey did the magic slide on the transporter mechanism, watching as the
away team became sparkles before they simply disappeared. Once they were all reassembled on the Daily Planet, Maximus checked himself over to be sure he'd been put back together right.
"Need
some help with that?" Jo asked. But he gave her a solid glare and everyone stopped chuckling.
Hando looked around at where they'd landed. The presses were going full press, reams of paper being inked into
the most abusive means of communication possible. His eyes lit up when he saw the small axe resting inside the
firebox. Smashing through the glass cover, he grabbed the axe and ran toward the presses. As he cut and hacked
his way through the gears and levers, he began screaming, "Stop the presses! Stop the presses!"
"The
boy has style. I'll give him that," Terry said as they watched the presses grind to a halt.
Suddenly,
a heart-wrenching stream of curse words lit the air.
The
away team followed Maximus through the winding corridors of the elite
unleash Hell," he whispered as they entered the purple padded torture chamber.
Bright
lights, loud voices, rude shouts, and vapid Media Beasts. Could it be worse? And up on stage, behind a
table holding banks of enemy microphones, the away team shuddered to see what the Media Beasts were doing
to Rusty and Nash.
And then Maximus unleashed Hell.
Part 14: Jo
Hell charged forward as only a ferocious Chorlularian ChittyBeaste could do, snarling, snapping, and dripping
orange foam from his nose. Even Hando stopped to watch with great admiration for such blatant, unrestrained
violence. Hell had been Maximus' secret weapon ever since the days in the Germanian Grugurt Gorge where he
would have been inhaled
by the giant slugmen were it not for his timely unleashing.
Rusty's head was nearly twice as large as normal and had become a rather unique shade of lavender fading
delicately into mauve. Maximus feared a brain-spattering incident was near. Rusty was surrounded by 5 inane
reporters all repeating "Surly, surly, surly," in a horrible sing-song chant, their voices rising and falling in unison
and the spotlights reflecting in their vacuous eyes. Maximus reached deep inside his blue tunic (Jo's eyes lit up perceptibly) and fumbled around a bit (Jo's breathing became somewhat labored) and, finding at last what he
sought, (Jo's heartbeats could be heard above the loud plopping of Hell's orange foam on the purple floor)
withdrew (oh, NO!) a tattered and torn object.
What COULD it be?? It was...it was...yes, YES....it WAS...BIG BLUE!!!! Shoving away the reportorial clump of
brain dead interviewer-torturers with one mighty sweep of his muscular forearm, Maximus wrapped Big Blue
completely around Rusty's head, covering his ears entirely so that not one more "Surly" could enter into his
expanded cerebral hemispheres. Only his nose poked out one of the elbow holes that had been so loving
preserved over the years. Rusty's head began to tremble and roil beneath the blue checked flannel. He pushed
the
flannel up above his cute bow mouth.
Maximus, knowing what was about to happen, shouted, "Back! Everyone get back!!! Noooooow!" The entire
away team and Hell, too, stopped, dropped, and rolled toward the walls as a loud, gasping sound rose up inside
Rusty. The sound grew into a swelling roar and a giant spurt of flame, containing all the pent-up "surlies"
exploded out of his mouth, leaving all the interviewer/torturers looking like burnt Fritoes on the steps beside the
torture chair.
Slowly, Maximus unwrapped Rusty's head. Rusty smiled. He
was perfectly normal again. We all turned as 15
uncrisped reporter-torturers made for the doorway shouting, "EXTRA! EXTRA! Russell incinerates innocent
virgin reporters for no reason!"
We sighed collectively. Hando threw Nash over his shoulder and Maximus signaled for us to be beamed back
aboard our vessel. We sparkled and our atoms dispersed through space.
As Jo looked about in the transport chamber of the ship, she felt strange somehow. What had gone wrong with
the reassemblage of the molecules of the away crew? She glanced down at her legs. They belonged to Maximus.
Her whole lower half had become a Roman general. THIS would take SOME getting used to, she thought! She
looked over at Hando who had Sue's left arm, Andrea's chest, and Wanda's hair. Hmmmm? He looked sorta
fetching as a redhead. What had happened to the rest of the away team and to Rusty and Nash? And what about
Hell? Yes, WHAT about Hell?!!!! Oh, my GOODNESS!!!!
Not THAT!
Part 15: annsmac
"Hell hath no fury like a woman mixed in with a man's parts," Jeffrey wisely muttered. Then he did the magic
slide thing again and put the re-arranged away team members into suspended animation (sorry, Jo, but that's
what you get when you leave something impossible to even imagine much less write about).
Jeffrey's
next move was to have the woman assigned to Sid round him up and smack him for his silly game with
the transporter. With Sid under control, he was able to re- materialize the away team. When they sparkled back
into existence, their bodies were as they should be. (whew!)
Maximus
stepped from the transporter deck and looked around at his team.
Now,
down on the Daily Planet, things weren't looking too bad for annsmac, who'd obviously been a very good
girl in another life. Imagine, if you will, being the only woman on the entire planet and having these four men with
you? If not for being on the planet of deviant life forms known as tabloid reporters, could things have been more
perfect?
Thankfully,
annsmac had a secret weapon that had been entrusted to her by the Science Officer Jeffrey, the wise
one. Her hand went to press on her communicator badge but Terry's mouth at her ear stopped her.
"Let
me," he whispered. "I have the right equipment for the job."
She
took in his hand and then snuck a peak at the equipment in question. Her eyes flashed back to his. "Indeed
you do, soldier. Press away."
"Could
you two concentrate, just for once, on the danger?" Bud asked.
"Boys,
boys. Let's do pay attention here," annsmac
interrupted. "Someone get Hell under control and let me show
you what Jeffrey's secret weapon can do to the Media Beasts."
Giving
Jeffrey the head's up to be ready to beam them back aboard on the count of three, she whipped out the
gilded box she'd been carrying in her pocket. In unison, even Hell joining in, they counted down.
"One."
"Two."
"Three."
With a
flourish, because that's how CroweWomen do things, she undid the box's lid. The group watched in wonder
as the beautiful Light of Truth burst forth. Its rays began cleansing the Daily Planet and the shrieking of Media
Beasts was truly awful. They fought the Truth until their last bitter breath.
"Quickly,
Jeffrey. Beam us up before the Daily Planet disappears into the Nebula of Goodriddance!" annsmac
called out on her communicator.
In a
flash, they were glittering into being aboard the starship. A mighty roar arose as the RC characters and Crowewomen cheered for the triumph of fact over innuendo.
Outside in the corridor, the away team and Jeffrey were busy taking in the way Hell had been transformed from
the a snarling, snapping beast with orange foam dripping from his nose into none other than Ridley Scott, who
certainly knew how to direct hellish fury.
Suddenly,
the entire starship shuddered and lurched. The away team raced up the lift and finally rushed onto the
bridge. There they found Captain Jack swiveling and
What
had happened? Was this a new horror they were facing? Or was it… could it be…
Part 16: Jo (who had been invited by Sue the Vile to do her worst...heh heh heh)
It WAS!!! The jaw of every single member of the away team dropped open, staying widely agape as they stared
at the figure that had materialized on the bridge. It was none other than Sue the Vile, Mad Queen of the
Suevilesian Harem- keepers! With one swift motion of her strangely miss-matched arms, she flipped her three
foot long yellow eyelashes back over the top of her hexagonal chartreuse head so she could focus more clearly
on the gathering before her. She had come looking for fresh and tasty new meat for the unquenchable appetites
of her female-dominated planet, Suevilus. We all knew that her planet did not have "evil" in the center of its name
for nothing! Even the WandAndrean slave traders held these ruthless, savage women in great dread.
She had pushed Captain Aubrey's chair viciously with her middle foot, sending it into a wild swivel. All seven of
her eyes narrowed as she proceeded to contemplate
Jo thought to herself, she had often wondered just HOW he managed that effect here on the windless bridge. Sue
the Vile continued around the room with her gaze, sizing up the men for their potential stocking of Suevilesian
harems. It came to rest at last on Terry's equipment. We had all known, alas, that some day its sheer size would
land him in ...in...an untoward situation....to say the least.
"YOU!" she commanded in her unusual voice that sounded to human ears rather like a grindstone being stomped
by an angry mule. She pointed what one could only suppose was her index finger at him. A zigzag purplish beam
shot out its tip and Terry disappeared....*POOF*!! "And YOU!" Again came the beam and *POOF*, Cort was
gone, leaving Michele, who had had her arms encircling his dusty legs, holding empty air. "And YOU three!"
*POOF-POOF-POOF* and Bud, East, and Alex were no longer to be seen. Soon
as well as Colin, Egan, and Andy. She smiled. We presumed it was a smile, anyway, as it was hard to tell with the
way that third lip was attached.
Her whole concentration now centered on Maximus. Jo knew the evil queen had saved the best for last. That
index finger thingy was slowly lifting toward Maximus. Jo knew he would disappear before her very eyes! Jo,
who had single-handedly fought off an entire battalion of KuffKuff Swamp Poodles, was not going to let THIS
happen! Not to MAXIMUS!!! Just as the purple beam began its zigzagged path toward the General of the Armies
of the North, Jo leaped in front of him and with a huge, sizzling *POOF*....they were both gone!!!
The Queen of the Suevilesians was not happy. She was, indeed, vexed. She was very, very vexed!! Green gel
bubbled forth from the single ear that adorned her thorny chin. Her whole body seemed to weave and wobble
in the air, then she, too, was gone. The CroweWomen exhaled collectively, then took stock of who was left
among them. Arthur was there, though Andrea could just NOT understand why the Queen had not taken him
first. But she was SO grateful and gave him a hearty bun-squeeze to let him know. The bi-part Handosity had
been captured a bit earlier. Who else was there? Ah, yes, Nash. He was quickly making calculations with his
grease pencil on the view screen. He had been behind the Queen and she had not been aware of his presence
on the bridge.
Just then the door swished open and Zack strode onto the
bridge. Someone called out "Wookie-man!" and the
sound of a shin being kicked followed immediately after. Andy, Nash, Zack on the bridge, Jeff and Jeffrey below
in engineering.... and the CroweWomen. A lot of VERY disturbed, perturbed CroweWomen, at that. They
wanted their characters back
and they wanted them back NOW! What was to be done? What? What?
Nash ran to the navigation console and pushed a lot of blinking buttons then made webby patterns with string
rom lever to lever about the bridge. Brushing a lock of hair back with his knuckles and bobbing his head up
and down slightly, Nash smiled quietly and said, "There! I've laid in a course for Suevilus...second star to the
right and straight on till morning!" Meanwhile...
Part 17: Michele
Michele stood there silent for several moments. Then she ran to a window and started yelling, "Captain, you
should have listened to me when you had
the chance. Parcher tried to warn . . ."
All of a sudden the vile woman appeared on the view screen. "You peepsqueaks, I have your men. They are
Several women screamed in horror when they saw Terry, "His
equipment is bent!"
The vile one just laughed.
Michele slowly walked closer to the screen. "What have you
done to my Cort, where is his dust?"
The vile one spoke through her frightening laughter, "I gave
him a bath, I even greased his
chains."
Part 18: Jo
Meanwhile....
Maximus and Jo had materialized together in somewhat of a heap atop an enormous golden velvet pillow. Were
it not for the several dozen Suevilesian harem-keepers descending upon them, stilettos clutched in their hairy
palms, green gel dripping from their chin-ears, Jo would have been quite content to remain as they materialized.
As one, Maximus unsheathed his gladius and Jo whipped out her oft-used Pittsburghian Peep Protector, its edge
honed to ultimate sharpness. Faced with such a formidable twosome, the 48 Suevilesians knew they had more
than met their match, and turned, fleeing for their lives.
"We must locate the local locale of the other characters before these wicked women have their way with them," Maximus said softly, his eyes resting briefly and tenderly on the small scar on Jo's left forearm, gotten during
her long months of wandering the wasted wildernesses of O-zoid where she had been forced into hand-to-hand
mortal combat with the Saginavian Slugwort.
"Come," he continued, holding out his large left hand for her to
take. Together, they jumped from golden velvet
pillow to golden velvet pillow, crossing the chamber toward the heavily studded doorway. Opening it slowly and
quietly, they peered down a long fur-lined corridor just as
a distant archway. Silently, but quickly, the twosome headed for the archway, determined to save the young,
poetic airman. Several of the harem- keepers were attempting to stuff him into a bathtub as they sang "Waltzing Suevilesia."
"They are completely without mercy, " Jo whispered
under
her breath to her companion.
In another alcove of the room, more Suevilesians were busily piling up bales of hay, all the while eyeing poor East.
Being eyed by 9 or 10 Suevilesians, each with 7 eyes, was a LOT of eyeing, let me tell you! A
To the
left, 4 of the heftier Suevilesians were carrying in a round, stone fountain and 3 more had sacks labeled
"100 % Pure Dust." Jo knew instantly who the victim of this foul setting would be. Her thoughts ran to poor
hapless Michele,
back aboard the starship. "Hurry, Michele," she urged silently.
Then Pat sprang to remembrance as a large tub of sausages was hauled into the room. The mindmelders had
obviously done their work well!! The characters were in grave danger... danger far worse than the Danger de
Mort they had faced in Camelot. What WAS to become of them? HOW had Terry's equipment gotten bent at
such a strange angle? Where were Alex and Aubrey and the others?
Part 19: Michele
Back on the ship, Jeff had discovered a craft-like pod that could be ejected into space at a higher rate of travel
reaching it's destination more quickly than the ship ever
could.
that she
would communicate with him through
Parcher.
On the now-speeding podcraft, Michele was lost in thought. She knew she needed the element of surprise on her
side. She HAD to do a dust transfer with Cort before it was too late. His pores were completely exposed. He was
getting way too much oxygen. He would be purified to death.
Part 20: annsmac
Michele was at least two steps behind, but she'd be a great distraction while the real rescue operation was underway.
upon to be really helpful in this type of lawless situation.
John
and Zack. Two lawmen who knew their way around weapons. But, Jeffrey had also been able to reconstruct
Hando and he'd beamed him aboard the craft just before it landed.
Now
this actually gave them a human battering ram. With Hando leading the charge, they would get into the
orange-red lair of Sue the Vile with no problem.
"Damn.
Rearrange the letters of her last name and it spells Evil," Zack said.
"Or
Live," John replied.
"Maybe
she's related to Dr. Evil," Zack said.
Annsmac
sighed. She'd never had to put up with such inane
conversation with Terry. And with that thought, she shuddered at the memory of his… equipment and the terrible misdeed the Mad Queen had inflicted upon it. This
was dastardly and would not go unpunished, she promised.
Squinting
her eyes at the Mad Queen's lair, an evil plan developed in her mind.
he looked at her, she pointed at the lair. "This is NOT their country. What are you afraid of?"
He
gave an anguished growl and went berserk, charging the studded doorway and clearing a path through
hundreds of Suevilesian harem- keepers. It was all the others could do to keep up. Zack carried two phasers in
each hand, zapping hapless harem-keepers as he went. John's trusty hockey stick was put to equally good use
and he never even had to get his hockey pucks dirty. Annsmac, a woman with deadly aim and a mission in mind,
picked off the harem-keepers that crossed her phaser's path but all the while, she was plotting a course for the
Mad Queen's inner sanctum.
"Hold
your fire!" Zack called out. "I see men approaching."
Annsmac
ran to his side and peered through phaser smoke. Her heart sped at the sight. It was Terry and Bud.
Most importantly, Terry's… equipment looked… perfect again.
As
annsmac and Terry embraced, he whispered in her ear, "Bud's got great hands. But nothing like yours."
She
blushed at the compliment. But the reprieve was short for the group could hear more harem-keepers coming
their way. "Let's pay these vile creatures back and make the universe safe for CroweWomen and their men."
Suddenly,
the corridor became very crowded. Knee-deep in defeated harem-keepers, the brave rescue group was
soon joined by Michele, who had distracted the main force of Suevilesians for a while but had now led them right
to the very spot they shouldn't have.
No
matter. Annsmac still had a secret weapon from Jeffrey. It was a tracking device specially modulated to show
them the way to each character. It had not been calibrated to find Jo, but who needed to find her when everyone
knew if you found Maximus, you'd find the brave and cunning Jo?
"This
way," annsmac called, pointing Hando toward the east and whispering in his ear about the need to reclaim
his country. Following hard on the heals of their human battering ram and only steps in front of the Suevilesian
horde, they raced to rescue the other characters.
But as
they rounded a corner, they saw…
Part 21: Jo
...a stampede of Suevilesian SheCows heading right for them. Riding the lead SheCow and waving his blue flannel
shirt in the air was none other than Rusty himself! Oh, my goodness! RUSTY!! Where HAD he been all this time!
It seems he had beamed himself down to Suevilus and had secretly gotten all the Suevilesian SheCows to fall madly
in love with him to the point where they would do his every bidding. And his bidding was to clear a path through
the oncoming hordes of harem- keepers.
The rescue team hugged the furry walls as the herd plowed past. The harem-keepers turned and fled back toward
the throne room of Sue the Vile. Rusty leaped off his SheCow and joined the rescue team, who soon found that
running along behind the herd had been the missing characters.
Michele grabbed Cort and they engaged in a shameless dust exchange right there in the corridor.
Annsmac was relieved to see the captured characters. Her well- modulated tracking device had been flattened by
a SheCow. Or maybe Hando. Maximus stood at the far end of the fur-lined hall, his right arm upraised, gladius
lifted on high as a beam of light pierced the ceiling and shown about him. Sparkles of glitter twirled in a slow spiral
about his form as flowers sprang to life beneath his feet and angelic choruses filled the sky with their song. Actually,
he was simply standing there, but this was how he looked to Jo.
Jo, near his side had a wide and sloppy grin plastered across her face. She could not help herself. Her lips had a
mind of their own when it came to Maximus. Indeed, whenever those lips pronounced his name, it came soft and
low and drawn-out, as though she were peering at him from behind some wall of curtains and had not beheld him
for many years. Her Pittsburgian Peep Protector had traces of white tub enamel, hay wisps, dustsack fibers, and suggestions of sausage from the battle she and Maximus had just fought together to save Lachlan, East, Cort and
Alex from a fate worse than being characters in a Julia Roberts movie.
A steely light gleamed in Maximus' green eyes. The Queen of the Suevilesians....Sue the Vile...she must never be
allowed again to roam the quadrant, gathering tasty males for the flesh markets of her harem-keepers.
Together, all the characters and Crowewomen made their way down the furry corridor toward the throne room
where Sue the Vile and her remaining raunchy harem-keepers had gathered to make their final stand. Death
would be too good...too kind... too merciful a fate for such a one. No, something much more awesomely awful
must be her destiny. What WOULD it be???
Part 22: annsmac
Maximus, of course, was a man who understood that torture of the mind was so often much, much worse than
torture of the flesh. He came from an age in which tortures were designed to last for many days, always bringing
the victim ever closer to the moment of death, to make them beg for the mercy of even a painful death, just so they
could escape the torture. So he had some experience in devising wicked torturous fate.
And,
besides, Maximus had Exalted High Commander Jo whispering naughty suggestions in his ear as he pondered
the Mad Queen's fate.
"Jo,
my love, your naughty suggestions are quite delightful, but I would really enjoy having your input on what fate
is best befitting Sue the Vile," he told her.
Taking
her tongue out of his… ahem. Let's try that again. Taking her mouth from his ear, Jo studied the scene
before her. Sue the Vile, creature most foul, she with seven eyes and no redeeming good qualities except her taste
in men. Jo had ventured and adventured far and wide throughout the galaxy. Her mind cast back to ponder the
places she'd fought her way out of, the battles, the shenanigans, the wild times… And suddenly, it came to her.
worse than a million deaths.
"We
shall send her to the planet Cinematrocity, the world where bad movies and horrid actors are banished,"
Jo said, rubbing her hands together in glee. "And I know the perfect jailor there to entrust the Mad Queen to."
The
other CroweWomen started giggling. They loved the idea. The characters and Rusty, however, were perplexed. "How bad could it be?" Arthur asked Andrea.
"Worse
than you could ever imagine," Andrea told him.
"I
volunteer to fly her there in the shuttle," annsmac said. "Consider it payback for what she did to Terry's… equipment."
It was
agreed. And, luckily, it was only the Mad Queen who would have to be taken to this dastardly planet.
Fortunately for the other Suevilesians, Rusty's charms had turned both the SheCows and harem keepers into
his pets. And, we all know how Rusty is about his pets. They returned his affection in like measure and would
follow his every wish.
As he
was running among them and giving them names, annsmac and Terry were flying off with the Mad Queen.
Jo was communicating with the head jailor on Cinematrocity.
"JuliaMeg,
I'm sending you a special package," Jo told her.
Thankfully, Jo was wearing her special glasses so
that JuliaMeg's horrible visage on the communicator screen was just a misty abstraction. She had instructed the
other CroweWomen and the characters to shield their eyes lest they go mad from the sight. She didn't need to
warn Rusty, as he was much too busy naming his new pets.
But,
if they had been looking at JuliaMeg, what they would have seen might have made even the Mad Queen look
cute. It was a creature with flaming cabbage hair, teeth the size of
sense of
sounds of orgasmic delight as she flailed about pounding nearby tables.
"What
shall I do with her?" JuliaMeg asked Jo.
The CroweWomen giggled again. Jo said, "Well, didn't you tell me you had installed a new holodeck in your jail?
That would seem a great place to keep Sue the Vile."
After
JuliaMeg agreed, Jo signed off the communicator and smiled at Maximus.
I don't understand," he asked her.
"Ah,
Maximus. It's a very specific type of holodeck. The only
creatures inside the holodeck are characters from JuliaMeg movies on earth. So…"
"Jo,
even for the CroweWomen, that's a harsh penalty to have inflicted on someone," Hando growled out.
They
all turned to the view screen and watched as annsmac and Terry took off in the shuttle.
And
every Peep smiled, thinking of the months of torture awaiting the Mad Queen. She would have nowhere to hide
from
the teeth! Oh, the cabbage head! Oh, the horror!
Part 23: Jo
Prologue from Cyd: (an offlist attempt at takeover had been done)
"Jo, if I give up now and surrender my ship, will you promise to tie me up in the cargo hold with Aubrey and lock
us
in???...????...........puh-leeeeeeeeeeeze???"
vile cyd 6.789
**********
Ah! Jo shook her head in disbelief. Was it true? Was it possible? Had the Cydlothian Cydrup actually NOT learned
from Sue the formerly Vile (reduced to being Sue the Mad Ex-Queen) and her experience of gauntlet tossing.
Evidently not! Cydlothian Cydrups were, however, well known throughout the civilized universe for carrying
their attention spans about in small red plastic containers and leaving them in bathrooms....so...it was not all that surprising that she had failed to learn such an openly demonstrated lesson. How brazen this particular Cydrup had been....naming her rotund garbage scow of a vessel the Gluteus Maximus. Anyone who knew Maximus at all was
well aware that he detested each and every one of the Glutes. It was Handarthur who was the Buttockian, beloved
by Andrea and her fetish for Welsh rear ends. Maximus kept his glutes well covered at all times with black bicycle
shorts and did not display them so publicly as did Handarthur, who paraded his openly in the back alleys of
Swanseatopia on warm Tuesdays in May. Anyway, Cydrup had not only rubbed up against Maximus' glutes
with the atrocious naming of her vessel, but she was openly now attempting to fool Jo into thinking she would
actually surrender were she to be locked up in the hold with Aubrey the Magnificent.
Jo closed her eyes a moment, reflecting on the past misdeeds of this cynical, cytoplasmic Cydlothian Cydrup and
her cyborgian behavior. There had been that moonless evening back in the
female population of strudel sheep who dwelt in the higher reaches of the brooding mountains of Barbel.
Unbeknownst to Jo and Maximus, the evil Cydrup and her
cohorts had barbecued every last bedeguar seedpod
for no reason other than they liked to inhale the pink smoke that wafted from the dying embers. It was wanton viciousness beyond compare. And NOW Jo was supposed to believe this Cydrup when she proposed a peaceful surrender? HA! A thousand thousand HA'S!! Jo knew it was not a surrender but, rather, a hideous plan to kidnap Captain Aubrey and spirit him away to some large, huge, enormous, titanic tank, dress him in heavy wool, wet
him thoroughly, place him in a fog storm and make him confront himself in the horrific heat day after day after
day. What sort of twisted brain could come up with such a plan as THAT?
And as if that were not enough, she would hide him behind glass encrusted walls patrolled by armed guards and
let no word of his existence, no matter how teeny, leak out to the waiting women of Crowedom! Could we let her
get away with this? How would Crowedom ever survive were she to succeed in her plot? It boggled the mind!
And so....
Part 24: annsmac
"Cydrup?"
"You
heard me right."
"Can
we get there in time?"
"Hey,
Jeffrey's the Science Officer, Terry. He made this bad puppy fast. Wanna see?"
"Whoa!
Slow down! You trying to kill us? Sheesh. Women drivers."
"Damn,
Terry. If you're gonna wimp out on me like this, I'll have to start taking Hando on these excursions with
me."
Terry
considered this turn of events. Perhaps annsmac had grown a bit too attached to Hando's rough ways. Perhaps
it was time to remind her that he, Terry Danger Thorne, was the hero and Hando was the antihero. Perhaps it was
time to remind her that he had the better… equipment.
In the
hour it took to get back to the starship and engage the evil elvi Cydrup, Terry and his… equipment were
put to good purpose and annsmac was back in Terry's camp. And arms.
`Nothing
like a little sibling rivalry,' annsmac mused to herself.
They
had delivered Sue the Vile to the cyborg JuliaMeg. Annsmac had been eternally grateful to Exalted Commander
Jo for giving her the spare glasses so she wouldn't be driven insane at the sight of the cyborg. But nothing had
prepared her for the momentary glimpse she had into Sue the Vile's dungeon of distress and disgust. Oh, the horror! Thankfully, she had foreseen a possible problem and left Terry back aboard the shuttle while she delivered Sue the
Vile. There
was a certain character there who would have driven her Terry crazed… again.
When
they received Captain Jack's message about Cydrup, it had been an unwelcome reminder of the fact that
there lurked others in the galaxy who harbored within their souls the ability to be unspeakably evil.
Circling
behind Cydrup's garbage scow, Terry and annsmac watched in amazement as the easily distracted Cydrup
was firing jello shots at the
"Pat
and Alex are gonna like this one," Terry said.
"Yeah?
Well, they're not gonna get a chance to play with her," annsmac growled. She aimed the big gun toward
the garbage scow. "Watch this. Nash had some connections with some mysterious government guy and got us some
cool weapons."
A
blazing trail of bright green light lit the space between the
shuttle and the scow. When it reached the scow, it completely encased the offending vessel and wiped the name Gluteus Maximus from its prow.
"Captain
Jack, we've rendered Cydrup's tacky ship useless," Terry communicated to the star ship. "What's next?"
"We've
got the tractor beam on the ship, Terry. We're going to be towing the vile elvi someplace appropriate. When
you two get aboard, come to the Ready Room so we can tell you the plan," Captain Jack said.
Maximus
looked at Jo. "Is this really necessary? Must you be so cruel?"
Jo
shook her head. "No one takes me on and lives a happy life
afterwards."
Oh,
what evil had Jo planned?
Part 24: annsmac
(note from Bert:)
"I am completely lost and have no idea where my Bud, er,
Chief of Security White is! I don't know whether he
beamed down to Suevilesia or whether he's on board with us or what has become of him."
***************
"Roll
call? Oh, my Lord."
"Now,
Terry. It's just a roll call. All you have to do is say, `here' when Capt. Jack calls your name."
"The
last time I had to do a roll call was when I was SAS. Next thing you know, they'll be making me wear a
uniform."
Annsmac
cleared her throat and glanced down at Terry's… equipment. Er. Um. Let's start that over again. She
looked at his camo Star Trek uniform. "Um, sweetie, you're wearing a uniform. And, quite well, I might add."
He had
the grace to blush.
And
here's the roll call entries for the RC characters and our man Rusty, in answer to sniveling Bert and dusty
Michele:
Capt.
Jack: on the bridge, commanding
Maximus:
at his side, where he belongs, doing duty as Jack's Number 1. (Exalted Commander Jo stands with her general)
Terry:
in annsmac's quarters, where he belongs when he's not
performing duties as the Communications Officer
Andy:
serving chow in the mess
Lachlan:
on the bridge, piloting the craft with a skittering scarf
Bud:
roaming the halls as Security Chief, wondering why the heck Bert deserted him
Cort:
no duty assigned because Michele is a full-time job
Jeffery:
on the bridge, serving ably as the Science Officer
Hando:
beating off Wanda's tongue and serving as Bud's sergeant at arms
Jeff:
in Engineering, serving as the Chief Engineer and wondering how the plumbing works in the dilithium crystal chamber
Alex:
John:
looking for his lost puck when he's not serving as Bud's deputy or busy chasing Janna
Zack:
in the weapon's training room seeing how many phasers he can shoot at one time
Arthur:
being indoctrinated by Andrea into the religion known as The Way Of Hando
Rusty:
in his quarters, pouting and still coming up with names for his SheCows even though Capt. Jack made him
leave them all on the planet Suevilisia
Sid:
slithering somewhere inside the bowels of the ship and probably plotting some dastardly deed
East:
somewhere aboard the ship, but not reporting for his duty as Ship Veterinarian
And,
unfortunately, all the other RC characters were listed as
missing in action, although Bud is convinced at least
a few are AWOL.
Capt.
Jack looked over the roll call. Was there anyone missing, he wondered. He knew that he'd need all hands
aboard and ready for what Jo had in mind.
Part 25: Bert
"Bud: roaming the halls as Security Chief, wondering why the heck Bert deserted him...."
Just
then there was a loud knock on the door to Cort and Michele's quarters! Cort opened the door and there stood
none other than the most wonderful Chief of Security!
Bert
wiped the snivel off her face on Cort's sleeve (why not?
Everyone else does!) and spoke softly to her Bud, "I wondered when you would come knocking on my door again, Officer White."
Bud
swept Bert up in his big powerful arms and kissed her tenderly. "My sweetest," he said, "you taste like Cort
dust and Sid goo!"
"Oh,
just after you disappeared I found myself momentarily caught up with a super-sized Handosity/Cortian combo
meal!" Bert replied. "It's been such a long, confusing trek that I was terribly hungry and had to get some little bit
of someone, er, something to eat!"
"Well,"
Bud replied, "I suppose I can understand THAT! Let's just clean you up here." And with that, he gave her
sweet kisses all over her face until it was no longer covered with blue dusty goo! "Now I think we should all go up
to the bridge and see what is going on with everyone. There are strange things happening here and I'm not smart
enough to figure it out!"
Bert
looked up at him tenderly, batting her eyelashes and reassured him, "You're smart enough - you found me
and
Parcher!"
"That's
Patchett, My Dear," Bud corrected her.
"Oh,
yes - but who's counting...I am just so confused! It must have been the Sid goo that got me all mixed up!" she responded.
Bud
kissed her gently again and then called for Cort and Michele to accompany us - only to see that they were yet
again stirring up another dust storm in the corner of their quarters! We got the two of them disentangled and all of
us headed back up to the bridge!
When
we got there, lo and behold.....
"What's
that sound?"
"Um.
I think… yeah, I'm actually pretty sure it was a moan. I do it from time to time."
"No.
Not that. Although that sounded awful nice, love. No, I'm
talking about the sound out in the hall. It sounded like a very high- pitched wail, almost a keening."
They
listened closely. There it was again. Definitely female.
Definitely distressed. Terry bounded up and rushed to
the door. It opened smoothly and the sound crashed in on them.
"M…a…x...i…m…u…ssssssssssssssss!!!"
Terry
and annsmac traded knowing looks.
"The
Barbarian Horde," annsmac said, shaking her head. "They've got the Exalted Commander."
"Should
we mount a rescue?" Terry asked, looking at his equipment and wondering if it was up to the challenge at
that particular moment.
Annsmac
giggled. "Nah. Although, I always love how you want to rescue people. It's one of the things I most
treasure about you, Terry. But, Jo's happy, even though she'll be missing Maxie baby for a few days."
They
listened as Jo's wailing cries retreated and only then did they pick up the undercurrents of children's laughter.
They smiled at each other.
"Perhaps
we should go see how Maxie baby is holding up," annsmac said slyly. "We could invite him for a
sandwich."
Terry
examined her; he knew she had an ulterior motive for that suggestion and somehow doubted it was totally innocent. "Maximus can take care of himself, I think. Besides, there are an awful lot of CroweWomen eager to step
in to stand next to the general now that Jo's gone."
"Hey!"
annsmac exclaimed, looking at Terry with wide eyes. "What's gonna happen with the plan for Cydrup with
the Exalted Commander out of commission? You suppose… Nah. I just don't think Capt. Jack has it in him to do
that by himself. Do you?"
Terry
gazed out at the black coldness of deep space and shook his head slowly. "I honestly don't think any man has
what it takes to do what Jo can do. Sometimes that woman scares me."
"She
should. Don't ever cross her. Vengeance is her middle name."
"Really?
What an unusual middle name. I wonder if she got kidded as much about her middle name as I did about
mine," Terry said. "I used to tell people Danger was a family name and that's why my parents stuck me with it as
my middle name."
"I wonder what will happen next?" She
should never have uttered those fateful words. Because, in the next instant, something else happened that would stay with the star
ship crew for many light years and it was….
Part 27: Bert
Bert...racing down the ship's corridor on her way to the bridge to take over, er, be by Maximus' side while he
mourned the loss of his dearest Exalted Commander, Joimus!
"Max,
Honey," Bert cooed sweetly, "we simply must make plans to recapture EC Jo or we'll never get out of this trekkie thing!"
With
her ever-faithful Officer White at her side, Bert began to
explain to Max that EC Jo had been captured by
halflings from the Barbarian Horde (aka: Jo's 6 grandchildren) and was, even as we speak, being tortured in the
fearful Ball Pits of McDonaldovia. She was reduced to watching non-Russell movies about characters who had the
same names as some of OUR characters! How much more beastly and cruel could matters get!
As she
spoke, others of the characters and Peeps gather on the bridge to hear what had happened. There was
quite a mass of humanity and otherwise, including tons of dust that seemed to be multiplying with each moment
around Cort and Michele; blue goo oozing everywhere as 6.7 realized that another character somewhere was
using HIS name; Terry looking very strange indeed with his once-bent, er, equipment and annsmac by his side l
ooking at his - well, you know. Nash was there speaking to an empty space about how to find
the Ball Pits of McDonaldovia.
Jeffrey,
Jeff, Lachlan, Andy, and everyone came forth from the depths of the starship to plot a scheme on how to
rescue our Exalted Commander!
Then
suddenly, as everyone gathered on the bridge, the strangest thing
Part 27: Jo (monkey wrench alert)
Suddenly Jo herself appeared on the bridge. Everyone gasped in astonishment...was she not chained securely in
the ball pits of McDonaldovia being force fed Buzz Lightyear goop and Slinky Dog slop? Yes, in fact she was! BUT
she had pushed her secret hologram-production button she kept cleverly concealed as an armpit mole (an idea
gleaned from Maximus himself, who had fooled everyone into believing his was an actual mole.....never, EVER
would he reveal the secret purpose of the one between his eyes...NEVER!!!) and it was a perfect 3-D projection of
Jo who now stood before them.
"Listen!" she said in grave tones,
"Sue the Vile has escaped from her JuliaMeg prison and is even now warping warpedly across the quadrant toward a secret rendezvous with the
Cydlothian Cydrup on the molten surface of
the planet Splop."
The crew inhaled sharply at the mention of that dread planet. Not SPLOP!! Splop was perhaps the most widely
feared planet in the entire known universe and beyond. Dwelling in the firerivers were the horrendous Lilliputian LavaLight Lizards. Only such as Sue the Vile and the Cydlothian Cydrup would ever think of going there. The
LavaLight Lizards loved to dine on things sweet and good and honorable and pure of heart... so Sue and Cydrup
knew THEY would be safe. How would we EVER be able to recapture them, the kind and gentle, loving and noble
crew wondered.
"Fear not!" Jo in her projected form announced. "I can
go
because I am a mere shadow of my former self...er...
non-solid hologram...and, therefore, the LavaLight Lizards cannot sink their orange fangs into me."
The CroweWomen thought about it a good 2 seconds
before saying in unison, "Yeah! YOU go, Jo!"
BUT, unbeknownst to the crew, even at that very moment Sue the Vile and her vessel, cloaked and unseen, were
passing just off their starboard bow....and *POOF*...beamed Captain Aubrey aboard just before going to warp
drive. The planned meeting on Splurp had been but a clever ruse to distract the crew so that Sue the Vile and
Cydrup could carry out their
dastardly plan. Only the faintest trail of fiddle notes were left,
fading quickly in the blackness of space.
"Warp 67!" shouted Maximus,
who was now in command.
"But, SIR!!!" came Jeff's voice up from engineering, "I dinna think she'll hold t'gether at such speeds!"
"You heard me!" Maximus said loudly. "NOW!"
The ship shuddered. She
shook. She shimmied. She took off like a blue streak across the quadrant...making a loud, swishing sound even in the vacuum of space. The crew flopped over to the left...then they flopped over to the right...
all except Maximus, who stood sturdily, his chest rising and falling, rising and falling as he controlled his anger at
the callous captain-snatching that had just taken place. The fiddle-note trail was clearer now as they gained on
Sue the Vile's fleeing ship.
She had beamed the Cydlothian Cydrup aboard as their vessels passed. They danced about their small ship's
bridge singing loudly and off-key, "Double your pleasure...double your fun... with double-good, double-rich,
devilish dames!"
They had succeeded! They had captured the captain and
were taking him to be tormented in wet-wooled fog storms.
The CroweWomenwould not see him or hear of him for months!! What a masterful and commanding plan! Why, it
would probably be nearly a full YEAR before Aubrey showed up on their viewscreens! Why, he might as well be on
the far side of the world as for any news of him they would get!! (this was written just as M&C was starting to film)
Alas, even at warp 67, the good crew was too late! Aubrey had been taken beyond the reach of any CroweWoman, behind the glass-encrusted, guard-patroled walls, dressed in wool and thoroughly soaked, and was even now
confronting himself in the hot fog storm. The CroweWomen aboard our vessel wept and gnashed their teeth.
Michele made little rivulets of teardrops all through Cort's dusty chest. It was a sad,sad day!
BUT...you can't keep a good CroweWoman down! No, you just cannot! Nope! No way! No how! Aubrey may have
been tucked away out of their sight, but they had OTHER characters with whom to fill their hearts for the next
year. They dried their tears. They attempted tentative smiles. Would they survive this blow? YES...yes, they would survive. Crowedom was strong...it was invincible...it was WOMAN! They would venture onward with their
characters. They would hold on to the hope that Aubrey would be returned to them in one orbit of the planet
earth around its sun.
Suddenly they all flopped to the right, then they all
flopped to
the left...all except Maximus.....Maximus who was
walking out across the blazingly hot sands of a crowded arena.
"WHAT?" all the CroweWomen shouted
at once. "What the...?"
Yes, it had happened. They were all....CroweWomen and
characters...dressed as gladiators and standing in the
midst of the arena, red petals floating down upon them as they stared around, mouths agape. The disembodied
voice of the Box Keeper, where the characters all lived when no CroweWoman was...er...engaged in activity with
them, came chuckling down to their ears. "My People....this is but a short diversion. Those of you who survive,
can visit, one by one, all of Rusty's movies."
It was a strange concept. How would Cort and Terry and,
above all....how would Arthur....do on Maximus' turf?
How would Alex and Zack handle Redemption? Would Bud be comfortable naked on a wet horse? Bert admitted
she rather liked THAT idea! Would Steve do well in camo, dropping out of a hovering helicopter? We would have
to see...that is...IF they survived whatever was about to come through the opening
gates.
Maximus looked at the large group...standing scattered about
the arena. He sighed. None of these had, for sure,
served in the army with him. There was a loud creak as the giant hinges moved and from out of the darkness of
the tunnel came....
Continued
with a BIG gap as: The Russketeers