AN ELDEREPI

              DIRECTLY CONTINUED FROM THE END OF LUCILLA'S PARTY)

                                                    BY Jo, Bert, annsmac, Lucilla, Cyd


 

And, so, with party clothes and backpacks, our guests begin the adventure of THE

STARLESS TREK to Chicago. ...and, of course, they had only gone a short way when....

**********************************************************************

Part 1: Bert

 

BertiTired yelped loudly with pain as a sharp rock in the pathway pierced the sole of

her elegant crimson evening shoe.  "Wait just a dadgum minute here!! Surely you are

not seriously thinking I'm going to walk all the way to Chicago, Joey!? Austin, perhaps,

but Chicago?? Do you have any idea how hot and sweaty we're all going to be just getting

TO Texas, much less getting THROUGH Texas?"

 

The real, genuine, one and only Bud White immediately took his one and only dearly

beloved in his strong arms and whispered gently into her sweaty little ear, "But, Dearest,

we can't just imagine that something big will come along and transport us to Chicago in

 a matter of moments, can we?"

 

BertiPoopedand Hurting whined, "And why NOT? It's happened before! Why I remember many times when a certain unnamed Boxkeeper just poofed in from out of nowhere and

whoofed us all to some place far, far away! Why must we even have to consider walking

all the way to Chicago from Tierra del Fuego? And, moreover, where in the world is SID?"

 

Joimus, who now seemed to be once again firmly attached to Maximus' left lower rib,

calmly spoke to the group.  "Now, ladies, and BertiBud and Sue the Vile and characters

all, remember that it's  the adventure that  is so wonderfully epi-ish.   It's NOT the

destination, but the journey that makes it all worthwhile."

 

BertiWretched grumbled, "Well, we at least need to get something to eat as I, for one,

was expecting a delicious dinner and dessert at the hacienda."

 

Lucilla, looking very sneaky indeed, grasped her backpack closer to her leather-garbed

chest as she did NOT want anyone to sneak a peek and spoke not a word while Joimus cast

an eye hungrily in her direction.
part 2...by Jo

It was, you know, quite some problem as to how to feed the 1531 CroweWomen, not to

mention the characters, as they headed  northward through the inlets and  fjords of

southernmost South America , straight into the Andes, whose reaches were not famous

for great pasta. Thank goodness Lucilla's dinner had been a movable feast and many of

the protagonists had had the foresight to pop some peacock eyeballs and sawdust ravioli

into their backpacks. Why, if they limited themselves to an eighth of an eyeball a day...

they would almost have food enough to last them into the Argentine Pampas where they

could then hijack the lunches of unwary gauchos.
   

Jo, being the bossiest of all the CroweWomen, was walking with the recovered Maximus

since BertiLuv had reattached her to his ribcage most bountifully in the last epi. She

was worried, though, about Juditha but soon noticed that she and the captain had been

getting along quite well and even Lucilla didn't seem, in her private thoughts, to mind all

that much if now Juditha ate the raspberry pie and Jo dined on brownies. Jo had fasted

from Maximus for 39 whole epis and found she was...er...hungry. Her pale yellow gossamer gown was not the best outfit for crossing the southern Andes, so Maximus reached out his

left arm and pulled her close to his side, his rust-colored cape wrapping about them both.

For, you see, now that he was fully himself again, the blue tunic had been replaced...one

has no idea how these things happen in epis, but they just do....by his full General of the

Armies of the North regalia. Jo beamed! HOW she loved him like that!  No character

before and none after, would be quite so perfectly grand. If any barbarians lurked in

the mountain passes, they had better watch out....."the" General was coming their way!
   

BertiGrumblebucket and her Bud came up beside them. "My FEET!" Berti grumbled grumblingly. "We've only been walking for one and a quarter epis and already the sole

of my elegant  crimson  evening  shoe has been  rockily  pierced!!!  I DEMAND the

immediate attentions of the Boxkeeper!"  

 

"Why, BertiLame, " Jo replied sweetly, "In all 39 epis of Lucilla's Party...did you ever

see or hear of the Boxkeeper even once?"

 

BertiLate, who had been somewhat tardy in her arrival, had to admit that she was right.

"But where is the Boxkeeper NOW?" she moaned. "Why can't we be swooped up and

dumped out NOW like we used to be???" 

 

Jo continued, "Well, BertiWhine, from what I was given to understand, the Boxkeeper is already in Chicago, keeping that single seat in the concert hall warm. I think that leaves

us pretty much on our own this go round."

 

BertiMad's eyes narrowed as she stomped off mumbling, "Came all the way from Louisiana

for THIS??? Got up outta my sick bed for THIS???"
 

Jo sighed...you just couldn't please some Peeps, now could you. A perfectly decent walk

across the most difficult terrain in the world...not to mention the piranhas and water snakes

a bit further up the hike...and some women in evening shoes just hadda go and find fault!

Sheesh!
   

Biebe smiled as they crossed the snowline...it was so like home!!! And he did, of course, have

that large dead black bear draped over his skull to keep him warm.

 

Unlike, alas, poor Leah who was attempting to stand a-tiptoe in her bare feet with only a

pink bath towel to wear for the entire journey. It was, though, because she had gone and

asked to be with Steve, you know. She had only herself to blame as every Peep knew that

Steve would end up in bathtub scenes. It wouldn't be quite so bad, Leah thought, if only

the black vultures would stay a little further back and stop with all that ridiculous smiling.
   

Diz was eyeing Zack with great suspicion. Either the agent was doing his Jeffrey imitation

or else he had stuffed bananas under his shirt whilst up the tree during penguin reconnaissance

( a not-easily-spelled word).  The captain of the golden barge in its brief pre-transmogrification days had a sharp eye for such things. She well remembered how Hando had hoarded all the

dead rats for himself. 

 

Ute, too, was thinking the same thing. She knew her Jeffrey's torso well and had no recall

of noting such well-defined ridges where his abs would have been had he actually had them.

She lay in wait for the unwary agent behind a large rock, and sprang upon him suddenly,  ripping his shirt open, sending buttons flying hither and yon into the snow. Yellow fruit

fell out...lots of yellow fruit. Jeffrey grabbed a banana hungrily, shook soy sauce all over it, eating it peeling and all.

 

Zack had the grace to blush...which redness, of course, could not be seen beneath his fur. 

Susan was appalled!! "Ute!" she cried furiously, "You have debuttoned my character!!!"

(And you thought the appallation was concerning the bananas, didn't you!  Peeps, you see,

tend toward possessiveness. Just ask the Bert woman.)

 

Bud stepped between the two women. "Enough!" he shouted. "No in-fighting amongst the

Peeps!!"

 

Andrea's eyes narrowed. The cop thought only the male characters got to fight, now did

he?? She formed a large snowball, taking an extra moment to decide whether or not to

encase a rock within it and deciding not as, after all, the cop DID have a certain appeal to

her more brutish nature...that nature that seemed more evident after certain vile Peeps

had imposed unsought their musical tastes upon her...and taking careful aim, popped the

copper one right on his left ear.
 

 

He roared as he turned, looking for a chair back to dismember, but finding, alas, none there

at the base of the giant glacier that, strangely, seemed to be chugging right along in a rather disturbing manner quite contrary to the general behavior of glaciers. 

 

"Look out for the calves!" screamed Egan.

 

Calves? thought Shannon, immediately thinking of her missing, flanneled one and his love for

all things bovine. Calves? Here on this snowplain with the large chunks of glacierface breaking off and crumbling down like that. Calves?

 

"RUN!!!" Egan shouted again.. "The glacier is calving!!! RUN!"

 

Now that was just too silly. However could a river of ice give birth to a baby cow...even in

an epi?? 

 

Egan tackled her about the knees and slid several thousand yards across the ice with her just

as a giant ice chunk crashed where she had been standing.

 

"Wow! What a great move!" Biebe said admiringly.

 

Egan helped Shannon to her feet. Her blue and white checked flannel gown had numerous

new rips and tears.  She smiled.  Rusty would be SO pleased next he saw her!  Why, they

matched even better now! Her reverie was interrupted by...
 

Part 3...Jo
 

Juditha, shielding her eyes, and remarking, "It has become suddenly very bright, don't

you think?"  Indeed, all the Peeps narrowed their eyes, not for any demonstration of plot emotion, but because they had trekked to the border of the SunGoddess' domain where

the golden orb itself was chained to the big Stone of Doom atop the Temple of the Sun.

 

"This looks like a nice place to stop and rest," ventured BertiDim not terribly brightly. We

have come to know this about fair Berti, who, once having become the possessor of the Bud character, was now casting sidelong longing glances at Captain Jack, which personage she

seems to have forgotten has been the stalwart comforter of lovely Juditha ever since this

very same BertiChange reattached Jo to Maximus' side. BertiLust, you see, was quite fond

of ALL the characters... being more of a smorgasbord, salad bar, shish kebab sorta lass than

a sit-down dinner gal. She had even been known to prance about Crowedom using the nom

de Bert of "Bertimus" from time to time...an appellation given to her in Bud -defense by a

wary liberrian in years gone by.
   

This digression was interrupted by the arrival at the border of the SunGoddess herself,

reclining within a golden litter carried by 896 male meerkats, each with his own helmet, breastplate, and tiny golden codpiece.  Jack, being the most golden of all the characters, approached and gave the lady a sweeping bow, his ponytail making a slight swishing sound

as it flipped over his left shoulder.

 

The SunGoddess studied his golden epaulettes and many golden buttons with approval. The golden orb glinted on the long strands of his golden mane, encircling his head with a warm

glow. In the kingdom there was no SunKing and the SunGoddess had awaited a worthy mate

for many years. She sat there in her golden litter, thinking consortial thoughts...not to

mention conjugal ones.

 

Maximus narrowed his eyes in a demonstration of plot emotion. This was not good. His

second-in-command was in danger of a captain-napping of the most nefarious sort. He

scanned his troops...er...the Peeps as they stood there in mass shock. Not only had they

not gotten their buffet feast at the hacienda, not gotten their Fuegan TOFOG concert and

were having to trek for several thousands of miles in evening shoes to get to Chicago, but

NOW the very survival of the  November 14th opening of Master and Commander was in

grave danger...and all because Jack was standing there in his TWPs looking so darned GOLDEN to the SunGoddess!!

                                                    

 

Stepping out of her litter, the SunGoddess, mistress of all she surveyed and she was currently surveying Jack,  strode towards the still-bowing Captain. A strange smile curved her lips, revealing her two rows of golden teeth, as she said,

 

part 7...by Jo

...."Lift up your head, O GoldenMan, that I might behold your countenance."

 

Jack straightened from his bow, raising his eyelashes of doom and revealing seagreen eyes

with depths deeper than the Mariana Trench. The SunGoddess gasped in delight and awe

and that overwhelming feeling of a moment well-spent as when you are standing at your

screen door and actually let a buzzing fly OUT rather than in.

 

Brushing back a wandering strand of long golden hair that had loosened from his ponytail,

he made the grave error in judgment of then smiling at the lady encased in flowing golden

veils. Jo saw the narrowing of the eyes of the goddess and knew Jack was a gonner...that he

had without doubt been found perfect for SunKinghood.

                                                                                 

"Maximus!" she cried, the memories of pink sponge not all that far behind her, "DO

SOMETHING!"

 

 

 

 

Maximus whipped off his deep brown leather backpack, withdrew a 4-in-one scanner,

copier, printer, fax machine from its depths, plugged it into a conveniently-placed outlet

that just happened to be in the grass beside his left boot, grabbed Jack, swooped him face-

first into the scanning flap, then stood the somewhat discombulated captain back on his feet.

This was followed by a couple of minutes of furious button-pushing.

 

"Ah!" sighed Maximus in satisfaction (a sound heretofore heard only by the Jo, of course!!!)

as he turned back, at last, to the captain, folding him in half and sticking him behind Juditha.

 

He unfurled before the eyes of the SunGoddess the new M&C poster, first having flipped

Jack's image and darkened it considerably, making the eyes themselves appear almost black,

not seagreen at all. The goddess studied it intently. Where had all the goldenness gone? It was

a fine poster, she would give it that, but it seemed strangely flipped and dark. Was this the

real Jack, she wondered? He was far too dark to be a SunKing!!! (Note: Aubrey's face IS

flipped on the official M&C poster.)

 

 

Her eyes cast around over the various assembled characters just as a beam from the golden

orb glinted off the hairless dome of Hando's head. The sparkle returned to her eyes. Perhaps

her consort might yet be found amongst this motley crew. She needed more time to check out

the possibilities.

 

Addressing Maximus, she asked slyly, "And where might this mighty herd of females and characters be headed?"

 

Bertothy piped up brightly, "We are off to the Emerald City to rescue the PrinceWizard

before mid...." 

 

She was interrupted by Jo's elbow stabbing her in the ribs and the low hiss, "BertiLost!

That was the LAST epi-plot!" 

 

Lucilla then spoke up. "If I may be so bold, Your Goddessship. We are but poor refugees

from a blue nanogoo eruption in Fuego and are on our way in our evening shoes to Chicago

to see TOFOG in concert."

 

Now THAT made sense to the goddess!!! She smiled as her brain whirled with various plot devices. Finally she said, "Might I join you on your trek? I, too, would like to stand before

this TOFOG group and, perhaps, I will give myself something I've never seen before."

 

And....thusly it was that the SunPerson herself came to join in the Starless Trek.
   

 

Keeping the rising sun always on his right cheek mole, Maximus led them ever northward.

Not all that many weeks later, they arrived at the vast expanse of the Pampas just as scattered clumps of weary gauchos lit their campfires and settled down for the night. Amandamus licked her lips. She was hungry. She had eaten the last 1/8 of her last mustard-glazed peacock eyeball

3 days earlier. Bud's tummy growled...a deep, low rumbly growl. The liberrian wouldn't let

him break the backs off chairs any more, so he held a milking stool leg gripped tightly in his

fist.

 

Hando slipped a knife out of its sheath inside his boot. Rose's knuckles were white from how tightly she held her hockey stick. Sally was fashioning a slingshot for her puck. annsmac was tending and tending and tending to Terry's equipment. Nash's fingers were flipping the push-

pins in his pocket over and over. What a truly violent group this was!!! Juditha, who had spent the first week of their journey after the SunGoddess had joined them in unfolding Jack in easy stages, was appalled. Surely there had to be some other way of getting food from the gauchos than viciously attacking them with pushpins! But what WAS it? Her eyes widened in the moonlight as she thought of a plan. She....

 

part 8...by annsmac
"What IS she doing?" annsmac whispered to Terry.

He shook his head sadly. "Afraid she's up to the old Nemothian Adrovus Maneuver. Mate,

you'd think she's have learned something from the last time that was tried."

Shaking her head in agreement, annsmac asked, "Maybe we should warn her? I mean the

last time someone tried that little trick to get enough food to feed the masses, it really backfired."

Ah, yes. Who could forget that occasion? A young, overly ambitious Sergeant of the Cadre

of the South Seas had faced just such a situation as our intrepid Peeps/Characters. He was

in charge of a flock of 10,000 seagulls and had forgotten the old saying that Maximus knew

too well: an army travels on its … hmmm. What was that saying?

"A navy sails upon its fleetest whispers," Lucky Jack said, trying to be helpful.

Jo shook her head. "No. I don't think that's it at all. Maximus, what's that saying?"

Lucky Jack, looking embarrassed, cleared his throat and said, "No, that is not just the thing,

is it? No, what I meant to say is that a piece of bread, a jug of wine and the foot soldiers of the world are like pools of ambrosia."
 

He smiled his sunny smile and the Peeps tried not to laugh. However, a few of the characters were not so kind to our sweet and brave and beautiful Captain.

Terry said, "You sure that's the saying, mate? Wasn't it something more like this: a trip of a thousand miles begins with a song in your heart?"

"Actually, I believe he might have been meaning to say something more like this: the Lord provides for those who lead the blind," Cort said. VileSue had her hands over her mouth,

trying hard not to laugh that vile bawdy laugh of hers.

All would be lost if VileSue laughed that laugh. For BertiGiggly would not be able to contain herself. She always laughed when VileSue laughed that certain laugh. And from there, we all knew the same thing would happen: first Andrea, then annsmac, then Juditha, then Lucilla,

then … on down the line until Jo would find herself laughing as well. It was just that contagious of a laugh.

Ah, but Maximus knew what would happen and he stepped forward, shoved one of his big hands over VileSue's mouth, and quickly tried to establish order. "The saying, my friends, is one I do know well. It is … an army travels …"

But Lucky Jack suddenly snapped his fingers and roared out, "I have got it! Ah, yes, just the thing. Where is Dr. Maturin? He will be so impressed with my wit. Here is what it is: an army travels once if by land and twice if by sea. There!

"An army travels on its stomach, Jack, my sweet but adage-mangling Captain," said Juditha.

A large gasp raced through the Peeps and the Characters. Juditha had done it! She had procured a meal of rare rabuttonajola for the entire horde! Such a delicacy! No one had dared hope for it. But fair Juditha was turning out to be such a jewel. A huntress!  "There is nothing

to beat roast rabuttonajola meat," Juditha said, smiling shyly at the impressed group. "And, Terry, for your information, I did not use the Nemothian Adrovus Maneuver. No. Instead, I simply relied on my feminine wiles. Well, that and Lucilla's MasterCard. It's accepted everywhere. The gauchos were happy to accept it as payment. Now, let's get dinner cooked."

At that, all the Peeps and Characters jumped into action to get the necessary fires started to roast the succulent, rare meat. They scattered hither and yon to gather wood and kindling

and …

Actually? This was not such a good thing as it turned out. Why? Because you just know that scattered Peeps and Characters often get … um … distracted and forget to return in a timely fashion.

One such couple was none other than … annsmac and Terry. It was, after all, time for more equipment tending. annsmac was very dedicated to Terry's … equipment. So dedicated, in

fact, that there was not need for any other tenders. She dismissed the capital "A's" from

Terry-tending duty. They had the fake Terry they could tend to; all they had to do was go

back about six episodes and grab him up. Then they could bring him forward to any future episode they wished.

"Well, now I think that's rather heartless of you, luv," Terry whispered in her ear as she lovingly tended his … equipment.

"Perhaps it is. But BertiBad challenged me to dispatch with them several episodes ago and I

felt this was the easiest way. No muss, no fuss," annsmac said bravely. She looked around at

the gathering darkness and said a little epi-writer prayer. "I just hope it works. Maybe they won't notice?"

"Not notice they're no longer on my team?" Terry mused. "Dunno, annsmac. But it's worth a try."

And it's a really good thing they tried it when they did. Because the next thing the Peeps and Characters knew, something else was happening elsewhere! Yes! I kid you not! And what was

it? Well, obviously, it was …

part 9...by Jo


....the deafening roar of the multitudinous sections of the mighty Iguaçu Falls. Buggie's

eyes narrowed as she stood in the billowing white mist, gazing up and up and up at the

wet boulders in her path...and nary a swan-feather basket within a thousand miles or so.

This being in an epi business was getting rather...er... trying... to say the least!!!

 

The large net full of Spanish armor on her back didn't really help matters along, either!

She sighed. *SIGH* The current epi writer had obviously veered off into the script of The Mission or somesuch which had nothing at all to do with Russell except that Liam Neeson

meets his doom going over these very falls in a teensy boat and our very own Peep, Ute, has

a "thing" for Mr. Neeson and that may well be how this ended up in a Russell epi but one

can't really be actually positive now can one?

"Ahem!" It was Jo, clearing her throat, cleverly dodging the orange and yellow-quilled

arrows as she played haunting melodies on her flute all the while preparing to deliver a somewhat unwelcome, albeit necessary, speech to the effect that said wide, many-partitioned waterfall happened to lay rather directly in their path...er...line of march...towards Chicago

and that Mr. Neeson's demise aside, it must be scaled, and scaled up the misty, wet, slippery, pathless rocks at that!!!

 

Buggie's eyes narrowed to near slits as she studied the perfectly perpendicular height. Not

even a wobbly rope ladder dangled limply down! It had been hard enough, she mused,

stumbling in her 4" pink satin heels through the trackless forests of northeastern Argentina

with the 982 pounds of armor on her back...but THIS...how could a sweet Peep like herself

be expected to attain so high a brink?

 

"Rink? Did I hear someone think 'rink'?" Biebe chortled as he came up beside her.

"BRINK! John, brink!!! As in top edge of the waterfall?"

 

Biebe was crestfallen in his disappointment. Buggie sighed again. She had been counting on

his help in the difficult climb, but with his crest all fallen like that, she didn't see HOW

either one of them could manage.

Biebe frowned. If only his Peep had not come home early and found him helping Sally

repaint her puck. Buggie had been furious and had ripped the corner off Sally's TOFOG ticket...a sin so heinous that she had been forced to carry the netted burden of the armor

until she could transfer the plot into some sort of semblance of a Russell movie which would

be a whole LOT easier once they had arrived in Mexico, let me tell you!!!

 

"Are you SURE Russell never played a gaucho or a waterfall tour guide or a missionary

Jesuit in one of his early Australian films?" she asked the Sun- Goddess desperately.

 

The SunGoddess knew all there was to be known about Russell movies... knowledge gotten

from her research into possible future SunKings, you see.  The SunGoddess nodded

negatively, saying, "Well, he did play a Welsh Baptist virgin once and he was in that Brides

 of Christ miniseries for almost 20 minutes. Do those count?"

 

The SunGoddess had not noticed how Diz stepped quickly in front of Egan and Beck did

likewise with East. They were both rather gaucho-like, were they not, and neither Peep

wanted her character to be waylaid by heavily-burdened plot-nappers. But, alas...or

maybe 'alas' may prove not to be the right word...it was too late and a small herd of horses

in terrible need of bathing and wrangling suddenly appeared in the waters at the base of

the waterfall...and all was lost. Well, clothing was, at least.

 

As was Buggie's netted armor since she had successfully transferred the epiplot back to a

Russell movie...after a fashion...well, with no fashions, now, were there?

The 3 white angels exchanged happy glances as they thought thoughts of a good Cort-wetting. Sue, the SometimesButNotAlwaysVile, however, liked her cowboy dry with his hair all fluffed and swingy. And that was just in his armpits. So she...

Starless Trek 9.5 by Cyd (Every once in a while, the epis would be ruthlessly hijacked...

usually by evilCyd.  This is another such incident.)

Evil Captain Cydrup (See: Where No Character Has Gone Before, to which Cyd has returned) activated the cloaking device as the ship warped out of orbit, leaving the planet Puck and it's multitudinous Welsh Baptist virgins far behind.  With a full load of freshly painted pucks in

its cargo hold, the Federation would turn a nice profit at the next Ferengi trading post. 

Little did the crew know what was lurking in the evil captain's quarters as she turned over

the bridge to the first Lieutenant DataPug and her evil Klingon cohort, the vicious

Commander SunGoddess, and called a meeting in the captain's ready-room.  Lt. Sal,

Ensign Buggie, and the Romulan defector Lt. Ute gathered closely as the door whooshed

shut. Then a shout of jubilation engulfed the sealed room at their full realization of their

success in their ploy to capture the great Captain Jack and his surgeon, Bones Maturin!  "Where are they?"  they shouted in unison. 

"They are safe,"  the Klingon commander Cydrup spoke quietly, bat'leth in hand.  It would

not do for them to know the full truth, she thought as she kept the weapon visible and ready.  The sharp steel glistened as Cydrup quietly issued individual orders.  "When we arrive at

the Ferengi station, the traders must not suspect our real cargo.  Ute will handle trade negotiations.  You will accept nothing less that four strips of gold-plated platinum for each painted puck." 

"Aye captain!" the striking Romulan woman spoke emphatically, "but I want my chance

with Maturin!" 

"Be patient, young one,"  Cydrup laughed.  "He is not yet ready for a Romulan female.  He needs stamina.  We must rehabilitate him slowly after years of combing long, fluffy armpit

hair." 

The captain spoke quietly, "Lt. Sal and Ensign Buggie, we will need all your experience in covert operations to distract the evil android Joimus and her clones.  They will be disguised

as Ferengi, and our tricorders will not register their presence since they have no biosigns." 

The captain swung the gleaming bat'leth and brought it down hard on the conference table, splitting it cleanly in half.  "I must have my revenge!"  she shouted.  "When you find the evil Joimus, the kill will be MINE!!!" 

"To your posts!  And remember,"  she whispered,  "the crew must suspect nothing."  The

group departed the ready-room and returned to their postsas the captain left the bridge. 

As Capt. Cydrup entered her quarters, her usual spartan furnishings had been replaced with

leg irons, chains, and leather straps.  Capt. Aubrey and Bones Maturin mumbled muffled protests through their leather gagging, to no avail.  Arms tied above their heads, their long

fluffy armpit hairs stood at attention as the captain stroked them softly.... "Remember, I am

but one strike away from de-fluffing you both if you do not submit to me."  She whispered

closely into Aubrey's ear as she plucked the steely edge of the bat'leth.  "I must know the location of the evil Joimus' cloning operation, and you will tell me...eventually.... but, first... "


*********

 

(Why, Cydrup, I didn't know ya was even reading 'em!!! Now I shall be all inspired to put

YOU in the midst of some terrible, horrible, no good, very bad plot device.   Chortle! Chortle!!!

I needed some fresh meat!!!
Jo)
 

part 10...by Jo


(see end of 9) spread her leathery black wings above him as a canopy and together they

ascended the wet boulders, watched by 3 sets of very, very narrowed eyes, I might add.

Sue would have smiled at Cort were it not for the fact that she had the exposed portion of a

root clutched between her teeth. She would have been better able to use her hands to aid

the climb if she had only removed them from the person of the parson. But she was all too

aware of the 3 pairs of eyes and not about to let him slip and fall onto the trampoline they

were so hopefully holding at the base of the falls.

 

She was about halfway up and had only lost 5 of her upper and 3 of her lower teeth when

she came upon a wide crevice with blue steam wisping out of its depths. Peering into it with

her one eye that was still able to open after that slight avalanche she had only been able to

divert with her lids, she saw a strange form crouched over a small cauldron...a form she had

not encountered since she and the Cydlothian Cydrup had plotted evil plots in that long ago Trek that DID have a Star.

 

This time the Cydrup was dressed entirely in blue. Her hair and lashes were also blued. She

was concentrating intently on the contents of the cauldron. Sue's curiosity was piqued.

 

"Wait here," she admonished Cort, plopping him astride a protruding boulder, and entering

the crevice.

 

Approaching Cyd, she noted the woman's eyes reflected the irridescent blueishness of

whatever was burbling in the cauldron. "Cyd!" she called out, startling the Cydrup, who dropped the cauldron. It rolled out the crevice, dumping its contents into the waterfall

which carried them down to the base of the falls where the other Peeps and characters

were engaged in bathing and wrangling activities.

 

In some fascination, the two Peeps watched as the nanogoo spread itself in concentric rings

upon the surface of the waters, coating all the bathers in blue streaks until they all looked

quite a part of William Wallace's army of underwearless Scots.

 

"Uh-oh!" remarked Cyd sagely. "I think we just took away their freedom." 

 

Sue was so interested in the sight that it took a while for her to query, "Whatever do you

mean, Cyd 6.7?" 

 

Cyd, you see, had been taking Sid lessons for many years and had graduated long ago to full

6.7 status on the evility charts. This, in itself, did not bode well for the hapless Peeps and characters even now attempting to wipe off the blue goo but only succeeding in spreading

it more thoroughly about their personages. Cyd grinned. "Wait...and you will see," she

replied with great satisfaction. "This is even better than I'd planned for them!!"

 

Cyd was especially interested in watching Jo, who seemed to have gotten in the thick of the

goo. "Oh, THIS will be FUN!" Cyd chortled.

 

Jo's eyes, already blue, were steadily becoming bluer. Her happy, open smile of Maximus-appreciation was transforming itself into something much more accurately described as..as...

a leer!!!

 

Sue's eyes widened. Wow! she thought. Jo...leering...this WOULD be different!!! Her eyes scanned the entire scene in delight. What WAS that Pat and Alex were doing with that

fedora??

 

"Look!" Cyd cried, pointing to where annsmac was heaping handfuls of blue goo atop

Terry's equipment...and, by golly, he was letting her, too! Sue had the good sense to

shudder. What, she wondered, effect would that have on the famous equipment?

 

Hando, however, was sitting on the bank, his feet soaking in the blue, as he wove daisy

chains for Andrea's hair. "What?" Sue exclaimed. "Why is he doing THAT??"

 

"It's simple, really," Cyd explained happily. "The goo has changed them all into the opposite

of their own natures." She continued, "And if you need further proof...just look at that!" She pointed to where Susan Guildford had tossed aside her poppy chalice and was holding Zack's head underwater to see how long he could live.

 

Charles, coated in blue, was plainly visible to everyone but Nash. Eryn was shaving off

Colin's sideburns with a blunt rock. Jeffrey was puffing on a cigar, Steve was making a

lifetime commitment to Leah, why...all of Peepdom had been turned on its ear!
 

It was horrible...unless you were Cyd or Sue, that is.

 

Juditha had been, however, late arriving at the falls, occupied as she had been with getting

the last of the wrinkles out of poor folded Jack. She came upon the scene just as Maximus

was backing away from Jo, genuine fear in his seagreen eyes. It was too much...far, FAR

too much!!! Maximus afraid??

 

Being the wise and perspicacious woman she is, stout of heart and all that, she instantly discerned the cause of the personality switch. She reached into her pocket. Would it still

be there among the emeralds? Ah, yes, it was! Her fingers curled in deadly determination around Maximus' signal arrow lighter.  She had carried it ever since discovering it

abandoned on the ground of the faux emerald mine atop the tallest of the now-melted

Towers of Pain. Swiftly she knelt, touching its flame to the surface of the goowaters.

 

Flickering blue flames spread instantly across the river,   incinerating all traces of blue goo

and leaving only the clear, pure waters at the base of the falls once again.

 

annsmac shook her head. What had happened? Where was she and why were there ashes

on Terry's hot equipment? She had never seen it so in need of immediate tending! Why

was Hando stomping on those daisies like that? Why was Zack gasping for breath while

Susan dripped tears on her poppy as she scooped it tenderly back into the chalice? It was

all too confusing!

 

Up in the crevice, Cyd shrugged. "Well, it may have been short...but it was still good, eh!"

 

Sue just smiled with what teeth she still possessed, turned back to Cort and continued with

him up to the top of the falls. Yes, it had been good...but she would always wonder what her

dry parson would have been like with a coating of goo.    

 

Dressed in full evening attire again and all atop the falls, our intrepid trekkers veered

northwest toward Bolivia and Lake Titicaca. Maximus could not help but smile. The thought

of building boats of straw to cross the famous lake brought memories of wheat fields flooding back to him.

 

Lucilla, however, knew that the food supply was completely gone and that now the...er... doctored pies and brownies would be all there was to eat. She daydreamed of Juditha and

Jo munching away, completely, alas, forgetting Cort's stated passion for raspberry pie...a passion that would obviously lead to unforeseen disaster.

 

"Hungry?" she said brightly, looking at Jo.

 

Jo replied....."

part 11...by Jo

The evil Cydrup, hijacking our tremulous trekkers from their route to Bolivia via the Neutral Zone in a valiant, tho vain, effort to force Joimus to reveal the secret location of various plot devices which shall remain nameless, had the bal...er... temerity actually to put fingers to keyboard and type thusly her epiending:


"As Capt. Cydrup entered her quarters, her usual Spartan furnishings had been replaced

with leg irons, chains, and leather straps.  Capt. Aubrey and Bones Maturin mumbled muffled protests through their leather gagging, to no avail.  Arms tied above their heads, their long

fluffy armpit hairs stood at attention as the captain stroked them softly.... "Remember, I am

but one strike away from de-fluffing you both if you do not submit to me."  She whispered

closely into Aubrey's ear as she plucked the steely edge of the bat'leth.  "I must know the location of the evil Joimus' cloning operation, and you will tell me...eventually.... but, first... "
****************
....we must ascertain the good and kind and faithful Jo's response to Lucilla's question

regarding the state of her appetite. "Hungry?" Lucilla asked brightly.

 

Jo replied in that tender, gentle, ladylike manner of hers that bore absolutely NO resemblance to any evil Joimus of outerspace doings, that she was, for the moment, quite full from the bark she had been nibbling off twigs as they crossed Paraguay diagonally.

 

Lucilla frowned. Were they not supposed to be totally devoid of all edibles at this point,

making the raspberry pies and brownies the only choice? Had not even Jo herveryself typed

as much in the epi she was obviously blissfully writing even as the Cydrup was threatening

de-fluffication of important crew members?

 

Cyd WOULD have to be dealt with, of course...but there was that matter of the pies needing immediate attention. It required attention, you see, fair reader.... and Cyd, because Cort's bellybutton had been rubbing for some days against his spinal column and he was, in fact,

drawn like a veritable moth to the flame of the raspberryness within Lucilla's golden

backpack.

 

Sue was sitting on a cactus stump, polishing her left wing (Sue always was a bit of a left-

winger, you know), and she failed to notice that Cort had wandered away in the gathering twilight and was even now stealthily unvelcroing Lucilla's backpack. There were several

pies in there, but he just quickly grabbed the top one...the one with the crust replica of the captain's bunk, which, you may recall, Lucilla had made specially for Jo in the days of pink sponge compactation.
 

 

He tiptoed behind a nearby alpaca which was squatting on a hummock and, using his bare hands, devoured the entire pie. Lucilla, looking for alpaca dung for the fire, happened by

just as he was licking the empty pie plate. She was aghast!! Dropping her armload of dung,

she leapt upon the cowboy, beating his stomach with both fists in an effort to create a need

for upchuckiness within him.

 

Sue, of course, was done with her left wing polishing, and happened to stroll by just at that moment. The Vile One could hardly believe her eyes! How DARE Lucilla, hostess or not,

beat upon the cowboy in such a manner...especially with alpaca dung still redolent upon

her digits???

 

Lucilla turned at the sharp sound of Sue's leather wings snapping into battle position. Sue

was advancing toward her, whip uncoiling as she came.

 

NO!" shouted Lucilla, "it's not what it looks like, Sue!"

 

"Noooooo?" Sue replied, her scarlet lips curling into a snarl.

 

"He ate it!" Lucilla shrieked. "He ate ALL of it!!!"

 

Sue paused. So what if Cort had been a bit greedy. She had been known to demonstrate that

vice herself on more than one occasion....especially where cowboy possession was the issue.

 

"You don't understand!!" Lucilla moaned. "The pie...it was for Jo." 

 

So, thought Sue, gazing across the encampment where Jo was brushing out the fauxfur tangles

in Maximus' cape (while he was wearing it, of course!), Jo could do without a bit of pie.

 

Lucilla was continuing her mumbling. "The pie..he ate the entire pie!" She hadn't meant to commit characteracide. She had only wanted to bump off Jo...oh, and Juditha, of course...and

a few other guests...but not a character, especially not one so lovely both wet or dry.

 

Cort, meanwhile, was lying there in the dust, his cheeks and lips bright raspberry red, not

to mention all the raspberry seeds lodged under his fingernails. The other Peeps and

characters were gathering around them, curious as to what was transpiring...or was that

who was expiring? Even Sue was beginning to suspect that something unusual was going

on concerning the pie devouring. Was her Cort in danger of character termination?

 

 She dropped to her knees on the other side of the cowboy from Lucilla, gazing with concern

into his face. Where was Dr. Maturin when you really needed him? I'll TELL you where!

He was strung up beside Aubrey aboard the Cydlothian vessel in imminent danger of armpit

de-fluffication, that's where!

 

"JO!" shouted Sue, knowing that this was where she must, alas, turn in order to restore

ma'at to the epi. That Jo, she just loved ma'at restoration...so she trotted right over.

 

"Yes," she replied. "Is there some divine order that needs to be put in place?"

 

Sue bit her lip. It was hard for her to ask...but Cort needed medical attention. "Jo," Sue continued in her least-Vile manner, "You must board the Cydlothian vessel where the

Cydrup has kidnapped Aubrey and Maturin and bring them back to Paraguay right away...

else the DustyOne may lose his battle with the pie."

 

Jo understood immediately and ran quickly to her own pale yellow gossamer backpack to

pull out her laptop. She began typing furiously and within 20 seconds was aboard the vessel,

her transbeamer tucked securely in her bra.

 

Captain Cyd was plucking the steely edge of her bat'leth thingie as she threatened the two captives with the unspeakable horrors of de-fluffication. There was no time to lose! Jo's

fingers fairly flew across the keyboard as she raised her transbeamer and pointed it toward

the captain and the doctor.

 

As a golden sparkly mist formed around their forms, Cyd 6.7 turned and saw Joimus.

Juditha had saved her from the blue goo at the base of the waterfall, but Juditha was not

here now. As the two men disappeared from the Cydrup's quarters, the two women faced

one another, circling like panthers. Both wore pleased grins. This encounter had been a

long time in coming. So much had happened since those days when they had played together

as children in the gardens of the Presidential Palace in Des Moines. They had had the same fencing master, the same training in fly fishing and origami.

 

Once again, Jo tossed the train of her gossamer gown over her left arm then leapt to the top

of Cyd's Westinghouse Manacle Machine, typing furiously all the while. Cyd gripped her bat'leth so tightly that her knuckles whitened. Her eyes narrowed. The keyboard! Joimus

had come armed with her keyboard! She knew her bat'leth thingamabob was no match for

a fully charged keyboard.

 

She glanced to the side. Could she make it to the escape hatch before Joimus could finish

typing the paragraph? Alas...no...she couldn't. And, so it was, that Cyd became one of the trekkers without stars amongst the alpacas of Paraguay that evening in which the cowboy

ate the pie with the replica in crust of the captain's bunk.

 

She frowned. Four-inch blue satin heels! Ark! She had been put in 4" blue satin heels!!! This

was revenge in the extreme! And there were flounces and lace and netting all over her low-

cut, high-slit gown! What a come-down for a Klingon warrior woman! Well, just let them THINK they had tamed her! Heh! Heh! There was, you know, that old line about revenge

and cold.
 

Meanwhile, Maturin was plopping leeches all over Cort's stomach and they were sucking

out the raspberry juice then rolling off, quite dead, into the dust.

 

Everyone's eyes narrowed as they stared en masse at their former hostess. What HAD she wrought in her kitchen? Lucilla's eyes darted back and forth as she plotted what to say to

take suspicion off herself. "Why," she began, "I...


part 12...by Lucilla

can't believe you ate that pie all by yourself!" Then she began to look at Sue, "This is all your fault. Look how he behaves! You two are shameless! He's a thief...he stole it right out of my backpack. Nevermind everybody around here is starving and him not sharing one bite."
 

Lucilla stomped off to find Jo, and yelled over her shoulder, "I hope you have a belly ache for days! That was Jo's surprise pie!"
 

The transformation that came over Sue as she tried to contain her anger started to brim over

as she realized that she was in trouble yet again. Her wings spread out and....
 

part 13...by Jo

enfolded Cort as the color gradually came back into his face. That Lucilla! Always trying to

shift the blame! Well, Sue would attend to that matter later... right now her cowboy needed

her tender ministrations. Sue flipped the last of the dead leeches off his belly before helping

him to his feet.  Thank goodness Jo had been able to write Maturin back into Paraguay in

time. Sue had to admit the leeches he used were ever so much more medically advanced a method of treatment than the stomachectomy she had been contemplating doing with her

nail file....and much less...er...messy. Why...how would she EVER have gotten her file clean enough again for further filing?  Her nails would have become rough and nicked. She could

not have gone on had that been the case! 

 

The moon had risen and Sue could make out the forms of the 3 white angels lurking not far away.  They were obviously growing restless as they had not gotten much of a storyline of

late. Sue frowned. You could never trust an epi writer. She had learned that painful lesson

well. Why, one of them was probably even now cooking up some terrible twist that would

entrust the cowboy into their care once again! She folded her leather wings even more

tightly about her character of choice. He was hers! HERS! And no one could take him.

NO ONE!    

 

Leaving Sue to think such thoughts, hopeless as they inevitably would prove,  the focus of

the story centers in on ....hmmmm?......Andrea and Hando.  Hando was seated on a low, flat

rock while Andrea was inserting long, slender cactus spines here and there into his tattoos.

Lest you think the Londoner heartless, this was being done at the request of the young Melbourne lad in an effort to bestir his inner anger after the daisy-weaving earlier in the afternoon.  He was finding it hard to recover from the concept that he had actually behaved so....so....terribly .....sweetly. 

 

Arthur stood not far away in the shadows, watching this activity and remembering Andrea

on the beaches of Wales with the branding iron. Yes, he loved the Welshwoman....he truly did....but despite that, a fellow really needed to keep one eye open at all times in her

presence.  He studied the smile that played about the corners of her lips as she chose a particularly long thorn. Yes, indeedy...the woman had to be carefully watched! His fingers

toyed with the piece of dried brown seaweed he had carefully pressed in the ancient copy

of the Book of Kells that he carried in his backpack. He kissed it tenderly. Had it not been

on her very person...lodged so provocatively between her toes???  Ah...the Welsh! Strange folk....but cute.
   

The sound of poetry being quoted in a deep voice came from the top of a small mound

nearby. Was it Lachlan entertaining his bonnie Sarah? No....it was Corbett, whom Phyllis

had determinedly advanced as far as Lachlanism in her training program to get him up

to Aubreyishness. She hoped to be up to BudLite by the time they swam the Panama Canal crosswise.
   

A blanket had been spread in a level spot and upon it annsmac was engaged in serious equipment tending. She had been quite upset at the sight of Terry's equipment after the

flames had burnt off its coating of blue goo. Never in all the history of his equipment...not

in all its uses in helicopter hanging, plunging Peep rescuing, opening locked gateways and

so forth...never once had it been.... scorched!!!
   

Behind a large bolder, completely hidden in the shadows, a figure quietly opened its back-

pack. Reaching inside, fingers pulled out something that gleamed goldenly in the moonlight.

It was....yes....it was Russell's pilfered ponytail!  The figure ran the strands of the ponytail

across its cheek, inhaled deeply the attendant aroma of sweaty flannel and cattle feed, then placed the hijacked hair back into its backpack.
   

Morning arrived, as mornings tend to do even in Paraguay, and our trekkers broke camp.

After two hours of hiking across an area of fist-sized rocks that were the very devil on high

heels, they crossed the border into Bolivia. Now only several mountain ranges lay between

them and Lake Titicaca, to whose shores they were traveling merely because the name it

bore was so...well....interesting, in a strange sorta way. That and the fact that ever since Maximus had been a lad back in that oddly Tuscan-looking region of Spain, he had had a

secret desire to harvest crops of straw and build a Bolivian boat. He had never shared this

desire of his with Marcus, though, fearing it could cost him his command.

 

He glanced at Captain Jack, carrying Juditha over the rocks in his strong arms, and

thought that, perhaps, he of all the characters might understand. And...so... Maximus strode along through Bolivia, imagining where he would be in three weeks of trekking time.... harvesting his crops of straw along the banks of Titicaca. He devoutly hoped, though, that

this time he would not be so rudely interrupted by emperoricide, execution attempts, and

slavery.
   

Just before dawn of the 4th morning in Bolivia, the entire encampment was awaked by a

bellow from Jack. Maximus was quickly at his side. "Juditha!" Jack was shouting.

 

"Where is she?" Maximus asked in great concern for the lady who had cared for him so tenderly.

 

Jack's nostrils flared as he rumbled, "She's been taken, Maximus!" 

 

"Hey, now!" Jo piped in. "Remember this is an open list! Nobody gets 'taken' so blatantly

on an open list!" 

 

"It's all right, Jo," Maximus explained patiently, "he's not talking about 'taken' in that sense

of the word....I'm sure.....ARE you, Jack?" 

 

Jack's jaw muscles were working as he continued, "She was asleep, her lovely head resting

on my chest not more than an hour ago...but when I awoke she was GONE!"

 

Maximus studied the ground. A pair of footprints led off into the mountains. He frowned at Hando. "These prints exactly match the size of YOUR boots!" 

 

Hando just stood there, thorny in the rising sun, and laughed, pointing at Maximus' own feet. "Go ahead, SkirtMan! Step into the prints....I dare you!"

 

Maximus did and, by golly, his boots matched exactly, too! In fact, every single male of the trekkites had feet the exact same size! "So much for your clue, FuzzLegs!" Hando spat.

 

Bud, then, arrived, pushing his way roughly through the gathered characters. "Bloody amateurs!" he grumped as he ordered all the characters into a line-up.


His experienced eyes scanned the row of men. They were all the exact same height, but

some had a bit more...er...girth...than others. That was not what he was looking for, though.

He was looking for what was not there....and that was Sid! Once again the evil chipman had captured Juditha.
   

Sid, Juditha slung over his purple-suited shoulder,  was merrily leaping from boulder to

boulder on his way to ....
 

part 14...by Jo


....the narrow box canyon he had spotted on one of his nightly wanderings. Reaching the far

end of the canyon, he set Juditha on her feet. She stood there, eyes blazing, then with a

quickness Sid had not expected, slapped his handsome, perfect cheek...hard. "You...you...."

she spluttered, unable to find within her good heart a word sufficient to describe her feelings

at having been so rudely stolen from her resting place upon Captain Jack's chest.

 

Sid merely smiled, further enraging the Irish lass. "Bait," he said, with a little twist of his

head.

 

"W..w..what?" she asked, narrowing her eyes in puzzlement.

 

"Bait," he repeated. "I needed bait."

 

Juditha frowned. The chip-man was obviously up to something. Sid smiled again. "It's quite simple, my dear lady. I must remove both Maximus and Captain Jack from the equation.

And you will be my bait." Juditha wondered silently why he had not taken Jo.

 

Sid, reading her thoughts quite easily in the words that appeared in the air above her head (remember, we dealt with how open Juditha is) merely laughed. "I have other plans for Jo,"

he sneered, "special...plans. But you will serve quite nicely as bait, having become so close

to the captain that he now serves as your pillow and with your record of tender ministrations

to Maximus after you rescued him from my laboratory."

 

He frowned, thinking of how very thwarted his plans for total world domination ... even Illinois...had been...until now. Let this band of escapees from Lucilla's party think they

would make it to Chicago in time for the concert. Ha! How silly they all were! He would

show them...show them all...and especially Maximus and Jack...who was really in control.

 

He grinned with the pleasure of the thought. Juditha hated it when he did that. It made him

look far too much like her beloved Maximus and Jack. It just wasn't right!!!

 

Sid led her to the back wall of the box canyon where a long chain lay in the dust. Oh, no,

she thought...not another chain! And Cort no where about this time!
   

Yes, back at the camp, Cort was quite busy. Sue had been seeing to that... all night. In the morning light, Cort squatted next to the campfire, roasting some of the dead leeches like  marshmallows on a long stick.

 

"Uh...Cort," Sue ventured softly, "aren't the leeches full of the juice from Lucilla's poison raspberry pie?"

 

Cort smiled grimly, the firelight casting dancing shadows on his beautiful features. Keeping

his seagreen eyes fastened on the rapidly crisping leeches, he murmured softly, "Yes...they

are." As the end leech caught fire, he turned the stick slowly, gazing at it a long moment

before blowing the flame out. Even Sue's eyes widened. Had Cort been somehow...changed...

by his ingestion of the entire poison pie?
   

Maximus, busily gathering his things into his brown leather backpack, straightened and

sighed. When would he learn not to picture where he would be in three weeks? It never

seemed to work...at least not for him.

 

Jack, coming up beside him, clapped him encouragingly on the shoulder. "Don't give up

hope, Maximus!" he said, "you may yet get to harvest your crop of straw on the shores of

Lake Titicaca."

 

Maximus shook his head heavily, "There always seems to be some sort of... door...between

me and what I want, Jack," he replied.

 

Just then Terry joined them, his equipment glowing from annsmac's fresh tending. "I'm

coming with you," he said.

 

"Me, too!" Alex and Zack both said at the same time.

 

"Not without ME!, Susan Guildford said firmly as she popped her blue poppy inside her

tweed backpack with the suede corners.

 

"Or ME!" the Countess proclaimed.

 

Others were gathering around and finally Maximus, with a smile of gratitude at the loyal

hearts of his fellow trekkers, proclaimed, "We shall ALL go! If we stay together, I know we

will find our Juditha!"

 

"If we survive," thought Nash a bit glumly as he watched Charles walking through a flock

of black vultures that didn't seem aware of his presence.
   

And, so, our band of rescuers set off, following the one-size-fits-all footprints that led into

the canyon lands. They had not gone far when...

 

part 15...by Jo

"The Attack of the Giant Bolivian Moths"--
for especially deserving PeepPersons


...Andrea began to complain about the weight of her tight white backpack made of wet

denim. Plopping herself down on a grassy hillock, she slowly and with much effort pulled

the straps off her aching shoulders.

 

"What's the matter?" Sue the VeryVile asked in a manner that, if one did not know better, might indicate she was the possessor of some empathy.
 

Andrea was not at all sure she wanted to fess up about her secret gatherings for the last 2

weeks of the large, plaid cocoons she had found attached to the lower branches of the

strange, twisted trees they passed as they endlessly trekked toward the ever-distant Chicago.

She had planned to weave them amongst her cobweb collection (gotten stealthily one evening

in the torture rooms just off the main tour route of the Tower of London) and decorate her woefully plain chimney breast.

 

For the last day or two, though, her backpack had been wriggling in a most odd fashion and seemed somehow fuller than she remembered when she had stuffed the last plaid cocoon

inside 3 days ago. She set the backpack on the ground, leaning it against her shins. Sue's

eyes widened a bit. The backpack obviously moved as though some force within it were struggling to be free.

 

"Er....Andrea, " Sue said softly, "Your backpack seems to be alive."

 

Andrea was too tired to care. Taking the toe of her sparkly evening shoe, she pushed her backpack, sending it tumbling down the hummock...er...hillock. A tiny root caught on the

top flap, causing the velcro to unvel its cro.

 

Lucilla came over to see what was happening. Her timing was absolutely perfect ...of course

...as she deserved absolutely perfect timing for her arrival at this pivotal plotting point. And,

so, the three women watched in some enchantment as loud flappings and sounds of struggle caused the tight white denim of the back- pack to stretch and strain. Now, as fond as they

were of stretching and straining tight white denim upon certain occasions, this was causing

a certain amount of alarm in even them. Before their very eyes, something fuzzy and plaid

began to appear out the opened flap. It seemed to unfold as it came, growing larger by the second and joined by two more of whatever it was. The breeze of the flapping caused the women's hair to blow wildly.

 

They seemed transfixed by the strange sight, however, and were rooted to the hillock. Before long, three absolutely giant plaid moths were squatting before them, drying their huge wings

in the warm Bolivian air. Their antennae looked like twiggling fern fronds upon their fuzzy heads. They stared at the 3 hillocked women. Were they left there as a food supply, they wondered mothily. Admittedly, they did not look particularly tasty. But Bolivian moths were

not well known for their epicurean tastebuds. And, after all, they WERE hungry from their struggle to emerge from that backpack.

 

They began a slow, woggling movement toward the 3 women. Just how horrid HAD these

Peeps been to the current epi-ist on an open list where all the world could read their totally uncalled for, undeserved remarks to the innocent Pittsburgher? Hmmmmmmmmmm? Let's

see.
   

 

Well...attracted by the fuzzy rustling sound, Cort appeared, crisped leeches still skewered

upon his roasting stick. Smart cowpoke that he was, in spite of much battering about the

head and near-hangings, etc., his seagreen eyes took in the situation at once. He twirled

the roasting stick in fancy patterns, showing his many hours of practice in the fine art of

roasting stick...er...twirlings, then flipped the crispy leeches off its end one by one, straight

into the gaping moth mouths.

 

They crunched. They munched. They fell over dead. "Damn!" said Cort. "I had planned to

use those leeches....elsewhere."

 

Just then Jo wandered by in her pale yellow gossamer gown. "Hmmmm?" she thought. "I

had sort of figured that the crisping process might have dehydrated all the raspberry juice poison out of their systems. Guess not." She smiled benignly at the 3 hillocked women, then

went in the general direction of the general.
   

The trekkers had arrived at the entrance to the box canyon, with its sheer, towering walls

on 3 sides and its mere slit of an entrance. Sid's footprints led right through the tiny opening

and continued on until disappearing around a sharp bend of the canyon.

 

Maximus and Jack stood side by side, pondering possibilities. "Looks like a trap to me,"

Jack offered. Maximus nodded in full agreement with the captain.

 

Terry and annsmac approached. "Do you need my...equipment?" Terry asked.

 

"If they don't," annsmac said huskily, "I do." Terry smiled fondly down at her.

 

"I think we should send in Charles as a scout," Steve offered.

 

"That's actually not a bad idea," Jeffrey added.

 

Nash frowned. Charles was HIS friend, not theirs! Where did they get off sending his Charles into danger? Just because he could transmogrify into a doctor didn't mean he couldn't be

hurt! The nerve of some characters!

 

Their plans were changed when a pitiful wail echoed out from the depths of the canyon. Maximus drew his short sword, roared, and charged through the narrow opening just as...

part 16...by Jo

Charles himself had stepped there. Maximus' sword plunged into the unseen roommate's

left shoulder. Instantly the strains of cello music filled the Bolivian air as a crumpled form

began to take on outlines.

 

"Damn!" Maturin exclaimed through clenched teeth. "Now I'll have to stitch myself up

again!"

 

Cap'n Jack bending over his friend, looked up at the astonished Maximus. "Don't worry, Maximus. I know you haven't seen it yet, but he stitches his own stomach up in our movie.

He'll be fine and be able to return to Charlesosity in no time." J

 

ack turned to Lucilla. "Have you got a mirror he can borrow?" he asked the former

hostess, presuming, of course, that she would never be without one in her possession.

 

Irritated, Lucilla plowed through the crumbles of piecrust and squooshed brownies in her backpack, retrieving her oval mirror with the diamond-encrusted frame from its depths.

"Here!" she snapped crossly. "Just be sure he doesn't get any blood on it!"

 

Lucilla, you see, had been saying LOTS of strangely foolish things lately to folks she really shouldn't have been saying such things to....at all.

 

There was a sudden swish of yellow gossamer and Jo was there. "I have a suggestion," she

said with a slow smile. "Why not let Lucilla go into the box canyon first...by herself."

 

Lucilla stared at Jo, narrowing her eyes. She couldn't prove it, but somehow she knew Jo

had arranged for the emergence of the giant Bolivian moths just as she had arrived at the

hillock to visit Sue and Andrea. "That way," Jo was continuing, "if there are any...unpleasant ...traps or surprises, she can alert the rest of us." Jo smiled. "That is, of course, if she...

survives." Jo smiled again.

 

How irritating could she GET!!! "After all, was it not our Lucilla who kept Juditha chained

in the mucking stalls? Is is not Juditha who has been ruthlessly carried off within this canyon

by Sid, whom we all know had a secret entrance under Lucilla's hacienda? Is it not, then, appropriate that Lucilla be the first to...test...Sid's intricate arrangement for those who enter the canyon?"

 

Lucilla's eyes narrowed to slits. Would the woman never shut up!!! Why were so many of the characters nodding their heads in agreement with Jo?? If only Cort had not eaten the special raspberry pie!!!
   

But...it was too late, Lucilla Luthor, too late! Maximus stepped aside. Maturin finished his stitching and began to fade away into Charleshood. Jack stood and moved back. All eyes

were upon the former hostess, standing there in her perfectly form-fitting black leather

catsuit. She began to sweat. Why had she not chosen the golden dress with the pompoms

instead? She lifted her chin proudly, flared her nostrils, flipped a loose tendril of hair over

her shoulder, and stepped into the narrow entrance. She would not give them the satisfaction

of seeing her fear!
 

Just then a new voice was heard. It was Leslie, newest of the Peeps. "No," she cried, "you

can't send her off alone like that!" She turned to Nash. "Come on, John," she urged,

"figure something out!"

 

Nash obligingly got a mental image of the characters and Peeps gathered at the entrance.

Some of them moved forward, some moved backward, some clumped together for mutual

benefit. Then he smiled, looked at Leslie, whom he found most attractive, and said, "You

wanna skip the talk and just get to the....?"

 

Leslie frowned. "John, you simply MUST improve your social skills, my dear. Just tell us

your marvelously deduced plan!"

 

"Oh, THAT!" Nash continued. "Well, if we..." and he whispered in Leslie's ear.

 

Leslie's eyes brightened. "Of course! Why didn't the rest of us think of THAT?!" she cried

in delighted admiration.

 

Nash grinned awkwardly, "Could be, you know, that you are not mathematical geniuses."

 

Leslie was so proud. She gazed fondly at Nash, brushed some chalk dust off his suitcoat and

said, "Er, John, don't you think you'd be more comfortable if you just took off this jacket

and then I could...er...you could be cooler in your tight white tee shirt with your huge biceps

and nice chest and...."

 

Lucilla stomped her foot. "That's enough, Leslie! What IS his plan anyway?"

 

"Yes, I'd like to know that, too," rumbled Maximus, wiping Charles' blood off his short

sword on the leg of Hando's TWPs as Andrea's eyes bugged out of her head.

 

"It's this," Nash said, taking a pad of post-a-notes and sticking them hither and thither on

the canyon wall. "Anybody got a magazine and some scissors?" he continued, looking around

at the increasingly wary crew.

 

"I've got twine!" volunteered Audrey as rapidly rising growls came from the throat of the Melbourne fellow.

 

Nash began walking into the box canyon. "Come ON!" he urged, as the rest reluctantly

began to follow. "Now, this is the first thing we'll...." but his sentence was cut short by...

part 17...by Jo

an urgent shout from Charles, who had fallen a bit behind the rest due to his newly-stitched condition. "WAIT!" He called.

 

But it was too late. The entire massed mess of trekkers had entered the box canyon. As a

group, they turned and looked back to where Charles stood. And, had he not been invisible, would doubtless have seen his expression of distress.

 

Nash, of course, with better mental eyesight than the rest, was filled with concern at the

sight of his roomie's distraught face. "Charles!" Nash called back through the entrance.

"What is it? What's wrong?"
 

 

How were our intrepid trekkers to have known that Sid had hung, all unseen across the entrance, a net of ultra-purple (Sid was never one to stop with violet...he preferred to use

only high-grade pure purple) plasma light. And they had ALL...except Charles (who for

some reason was able to be aware of the net)...walked right through it. No wonder they

had been feeling those tingling sensations ever since entering the canyon. Everyone blinked

...and all their eyeballs were suddenly purple. Gone were the characters' beautiful seagreen ...gone were the Peeps' blue and hazel and brown. Whatever would this MEAN to the plot?? Well, let us investigate, shall we?
   

It seems that in looking out through purple eyes, everyone's perspective of everyone else

was altered into a totally skewed view. Jo looked at the General of the Armies of the North,

for instance, and remarked, "Ewwwwww!!"


Immediately she sought out the company of Arthur. They had, once long ago in Camelot,

some of you may recall, spent time together. "Oh, Arthur!" Jo cried, her voice husky with passion. "Brush those limp bangs off your forehead, and take off that cardigan that I might behold the manliness of your great biceptuality!"

 

Andrea, with her sudden aversion to empty follicles, was sitting across Zack's recumbent

chest, nipping at his beard with her canine teeth.
 

Susan Guildford was entranced with how well she could see the reflection of her blue poppy petals in Hando's sweaty head. Sue, not being able to stand the sight of dust, was walking

her fingertips up the back of Steve's towel, a low, satisfied growl deep in her throat like a

purr. Pat, our Countess, after planting one elegant evening shoe right in the middle of Alex's grey fedora and twisting it into the dirt, had headed off in search of that handsome young

prick, Kim. Jeffrey was blowing smoke rings at a fascinated Phyllis, whose Corbett was
giving sweating lessons to clean Leah in her towel. Terry's equipment was dropped with a resounding *thud* by annsmac, who was helping Andy polish his silverware.
 

Both BertiStrange and Audrey turned their backs upon Bud. BertiLust had decided that

if MaxiBabe could get Hando's TWPs dirty, maybe she could, with a little effort and

ingenuity, muss up young Johnny's. Audrey was unwrapping Colin's palm bandages.

Heaven only knows what her intentions were with that pot of library paste she had in her

lap! Diz carefully removed the hockey puck Sally had slammed into Biebe's mouth as she muttered something in a soft Scottish brogue about kissing it and making it all better.

 

Lachlan was standing on one of those ubiquitous hillock thingies, gesturing wildly during

his loud rap performance which had Buggie and Eryn totally enthralled. East had Paula

G by the hand, and had there been a barn in the box canyon...well, the storyline would have

had to move onto a smussell page without a doubt! Egan was sitting on a narrow ledge with

Lise, as their heads turning back and forth in unison while no silver horse ran behind them. Very strange!

 

Shannon had stitched up all her flannel holes and was trying to reshape Alex's smushed

fedora. She smiled at him shyly as she worked the crunkles out. Amanda was watching the

rise and fall of the buttons on Bud's white shirt as he stood there, breathing. Breathing

was good, she decided with a grin. Very good. Ute, no longer concerned at all about ironing,

was flipping handfuls of dust over the seated Cort, giggling wildly all the while. Leslie,

inspired by Amanda, went over to count Jack's golden buttons.
 

Annette was tempting Nash with a handful of multi-colored pushpins...knowing full well he would not be able to resist. Sarah and Jeff were jogging side by side around the inner

perimeter of the canyon. And Lucilla, you may ask? What of the former hostess? What,

indeed? Let us just say that she was smiling...yes.. smiling and happy...with whatever it was

she was up to in the little pup tent made from heavy rust-colored cloth and faux fur.

Hmmmmm?
  

And...then...Sid came...as he always does...like the plague or plaque or planetary pleaching.

And he smiled. And then...

part 18...by Jo

surprised the heck outta all the trekkers by announcing, "Ok..ok! Enough of that!"

Lucilla, eyes blazing with feminine fury, fumed, "What do you mean...ENOUGH? I've only

been in the pup tent with Maximus for 2 days. That doesn't even BEGIN to border on

enough!!!"

Sid grinned maliciously. "Hey, keed, in an epi...ya takes what ya can get!!" Then he

continued, "I know all of your brains are vastly inferior in every way to the perfection of

my own, but has it even dawned on any of you slugs that this very Friday is the first day

of August and that only leaves you two weeks to trek to Chicago...that is if you really want

to see that Lion King in blue flannel do his gig!!"
 

Audrey looked at Lucilla. "He's right!" she exclaimed.

 

"Yes," Jo added...."but WHY does he even care? That's the question!"

As all eyes turned toward the chip-man, he grinned again. "I care," he purred, eyelids at

half mast, "that you get going again. How else will I get you up to the python-infested

Amazon or in the company of the Columbian drug lords or...." 

 

"We GET it, Sid! We get it!!" Jo said, shaking her head. "But we can't leave yet...not

without our Juditha."

"Oh, HER!" Sid remarked. "Well, then, there's not a moment to lose!"

"STOP THAT!" shouted Jo.

 

"Stop what?" Sid asked, batting his eyelashes innocently.

 

"Stop running Cap'n Jack lines! You're not fit to bail his bilge!"

 

Sid's grin just got larger as he said, "It's leadership they want--strength--find that within yourself and you will earn their respect."

It took all Maximus' and Terry's combined strength to pry her fingers loose from his throat. Even so, he was gasping out, "Our enemy has twice our guns and twice our numbers...and

we are supposed to ....gurgle...oomph...." and he finally quit as Jo shoved Andrea's

TWBackpack halfway into his mouth.

Popping the hinges of his jawbone back into place, Sid glared at Jo. "You, Missy, just you

wait!"

 

Jo just glared right back at him. "Juditha!" she said with clenched teeth. "Hand over the

Peep right NOW!"

 

Sid snarled, "All right, but just see if either of you actually ends up in Chicago!"

And with an evil laugh, he disappeared briefly behind a large outcropping of rock,

returning with Juditha's elbow clutched in a tight grip. He shoved her toward Jo, and

was about to turn on his heel when BertiWise called out, "But, Sid! How do we get past

your plasma net across the box canyon's entrance?"

He withdrew a tiny black box from the vest pocket of his purple suit, pressed a red button

with his thumb, then was gone.

The massed trekkers looked back towards the entrance. How would they KNOW if the

plasma net were actually gone?

 

Nash had the answer. He shouted to Charles. "Hey, Roomie, is it safe!"

 

Charles, who had been waiting all this time outside the entrance, looked around. "Yes, John ...except for the poisonous lizards, the approach of a giant sulphur cloud and the bit of a lava flow...it's quite safe!"

Relieved, the trekkers gleefully poured themselves through the narrow entrance and headed

off towards Lake Titicaca.

Being in rather of a hurry now, it only took them an hour to traverse the remaining couple

of hundred miles. After all, once every few centuries, Maximus DID deserve to actually

arrive at where he had pictured himself 3 weeks before.

And, so, pausing briefly for a Maximus break, the Peeps and characters bathed their

footsore feet in the softly lapping edge waters of the large lake while Maximus swept his

hand over the reed tops and with the help of Jack and several others, built a huge reed boat.

 

Within a half hour they had sailed to the far side of the world...er...lake...and by lunch had crossed the Madre de Dios mountain range of southeastern Peru and were deep in the impenetrable jungles of the Brazilian headwaters of the Amazon.

 

Terry was leading them then, chopping a path through the enormous leaves and thick vines

with his equipment. annsmac was keeping a close eye on it, not wanting it to be damaged in

any way, but, alas, not on the 30 foot long green python that dangled from a tree on the side

of the path. There was a sudden flash of green and...

 

part 19...annsmac

 

Lachlan came swinging through on a vine with news. "Lucky, lucky, lucky!" he called.

"Yes? Yes? Yes?" Jack answered.

"No, not you Lucky. Us Lucky. Guess what Terry's found in his chopping of vines?" Lachlan said as he bounced down before the group of Peeps and Characters.

What indeed had our intrepid man with … equipment found? Why, you won't believe it, but there, right there, deep in the jungle, Terry had found …
 

part 20...by Jo

...the very faucet from which all the headwaters of the entire Amazon basin had their source. Quickly using his equipment to replace its missing washer just in time to avoid a massive... er...leak....Terry turned and smiled. His eyes widened. annsmac was disturbed. Terry's eyes never widened in surprise. He was always prepared for everything. She turned, following

his seagreen gaze.  Was not this backwater of the basin supposed to be uninhabitable?

 

Unfortunately for the Peeps and the characters, the 20,000 members of the Head Bashers

tribe who were massed just beyond the fern fronds did not find it to be thus. Hando, his lack

of hair having made his nasal passages more sensitive over time, sniffed the jungle air.

Massive amounts of poison curare molecules wafted by on the breeze. Bud pulled BertiSoft

close to his side. Alex stepped in front of his Countess. Andrea stepped in front of Arthur.

No poison-tipped projectiles would play darts with HIS hot-crossed buns. Not on her

watch!!! Hando's eyes narrowed. The London wench was too damn fickle!!! He liked that

in a woman! It gave him something to tame!
 

Cap'n Jack remarked softly, "Unless fate intervenes, we are about to be scuttled."

 

The fern fronds rustled ominously. The Head Bashers (and, yes, this truly is a tribe living in

the area...so says National Geographic!) must be getting ready to attack. Eeeek!
 

Maximus unsheathed his sword. Biebe clutched his hockey stick. Andy gripped his soup bowl. Maximus growled, "Whatever comes out of those ferns... if we stay together...we'll...." but he was interrupted by a familiar, rumbling, distant laugh followed by a brisk scoop into a large box. It was the Boxkeeper!!!

 

"Now, now," came the disembodied voice from beyond the clouds as the entire cast found themselves heaped inside the giant box. "I may have been away for months, but did you

think I'd leave you in such a pickle when you need to get to Chicago?"

 

Lucilla was puzzled, never having been boxnapped before. "Don't worry," said Amanda brightly. "This used to happen to us all the time. I thought the Boxkeeper had forgotten us f

or good this time, though."

 

"Oh," remarked Lucilla, "then this is a good thing?"
 

"Well," Buggie supplied, "that depends on where we get dumped out. You just never know.

The Boxkeeper...well...the Boxkeeper is sometimes a bit...." and at that very moment, the

box descended and its occupants were unceremoniously deposited upon the sand.

 

"Ay, chihuahua!" shouted Audrey as she pulled a cactus spine out of her rump.

 

"That's right!" rumbled the Boxkeeper's voice, growing steadily more distant.

"Chihuahua...ha..ha...ha..haaaaaaaa!"

 

"Wh...wh...what?" stammered Arthur.
 

"Hey, look at it this way," explained Phyllis helpfully. "The Boxkeeper has taken us all the

way to northern Mexico and we are no longer surrounded by Head Bashers and...."

 

*CLICK*CLICK*CLICK* came the sound of dozens of guns being cocked. Yes, the

Boxkeeper HAD saved them from Amazonian annihilation, only to playfully plonk them

into the midst of Chihuahuan catastrophe. For surrounding them, barrels glinting in the Mexican sun, was the entire outlaw band of none other than Poncho Vanilla himself!
 

Poncho had been born into the wealthy Chocolate family of Ciudad Camargo, but in his

26th year had renounced all cocoa connections and assumed the dreaded and feared name

of the renegade Vanilla villains. Paula G quickly and wisely popped the Hershey bar she

had in her hand back into her pocket.

 

"Hershey bar!" exclaimed Diz. "You had a Hershey bar???"

 

Poncho Vanilla's eyes narrowed and he spurred his horse closer to Paula G.


"You!" he barked, "You possess cho-co-la-te?"

 

Never had Paula been so glad that the sun was blisteringly hot. She felt the Hershey bar

melt completely and run down her leg under her ankle-length gown. Skillfully, she used

the toe of her silvery evening slipper to scoop sand over the small puddle of telltale

chocolate, then smiled up at the bandit innocently, thinking all the while that the epi

writer really should give up and go to bed.

 

Cort, thankful to be out of the steaming jungle and back, at last, in desert dust, came up

beside Poncho Vanilla's horse, speaking softly in Spanish. Paula just stood there, not caring

that her left slipper was ruined, as she basked in the soft flow of Cort's Spanish.

 

Poncho's eyes widened. "This is true?" Poncho asked, amazed.

 

"Si," Cort replied, a small grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.
 

"Vamanos!" Poncho shouted to his men as the entire band wheeled their mounts, leaving

our trekkers alone on the dusty plain. Cort smiled at Paula, who, if dried chocolate had not completely stiffened her left knee, would have keeled over for sheer joy... well, that and the

fact that black leather wings had opened right behind her.

part 21..by Jo

Sue, the Black Angel of Doom to all other Cort-women, was trembling with not-very-well-

suppressed rage. Not only had Paula G gotten Cort to smile upon her but she had had a

Hershey bar in her pocket! Sue's eyes narrowed into tiny slits as she studied the not-quite-hidden puddle of melted chocolate. They narrowed even further as she studied the open,

beatific smile Cort was bestowing on Paula.

 

She could feel Vileness rising up through her veins...like a...like a storm. A trickle of sweat coursed downward between her heaving brea....er...shoulder blades. Were it not for the

large armadillo relieving itself on her boot, she would have exacted her revenge on the spot.
  

Bud, digging an elbow into Cort's side, growled, "Wipe that silly smile off yer face, Cowboy, before you cause real trouble."

 

Cort, you see, tended to be blissfully unaware of the effect he had on large numbers of the

Peep population of the world. Wet or dry.  

 

Terry got the trekkers into some order and marched them all into Fort Bliss. annsmac smiled. Terry and bliss...yes, the two words went well together.

 

"All right now," Terry said as they paused to refresh themselves in the parade ground's sprinkler system, "we've gotten all the way here to El Paso. What's left is to trek diagonally across New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri and Illinois and we'll be in Chicago by Christmas."

 

"Christmas!" bellowed Lucilla in outrage. "What do you mean CHRISTMAS?!"

 

Terry grinned. He loved to tease the hostess now 'n then.  As they stood there, innocently plotting their route, they failed, as usual, to take Sid into account. Unbeknownst to them

all, he had replaced Oklahoma with Greenland in a further attempt to cause delay.

 

So, all unaware, they left Bliss behind them...sigh...and headed into the more desolate

reaches of southeastern New Mexico...trekking straight for...yes... Roswell. The going was slowed somewhat by the continual games several of the characters found to play with the

vast supply of tumbleweeds. One would not have been all that surprised that Biebe with

his hockey stick was the ringleader of this behavior, but what came more unexpectedly

was the delight Maximus found in his new hobby of tumbleweed juggling. Jo, indeed, feared

that as he was the most ancient of all the characters, the on-going effects of time-displacement were beginning to cloud his brain functions. Had she only known that the Greenland Sid

had used to replace Oklahoma was the Greenland of the Viking settlements, then her mind

could have been more at rest as the time-displacement factor would then be greatly reduced. But, she stood there, a worried frown creasing her brow, as Maximus added a 5th tumble-

weed.

 

Jack was leaping about, skewering one tumbleweed after another in cutlass practice. Zack

was sweating as he pushed an exceptionally large tumbleweed up a long hill. Nash was

studying the patterns that several of them made while Bud was checking them for hidden

drugs.

 

Thusly occupied, our trekkers topped a rise, revealing themselves to a group of military surveyors, who promptly herded them into trucks and locked them all in a large warehouse

with a sign outside the door that read, "ALIEN LIFE FORMS." This was, of course, more correct than they could ever have imagined.

 

Several dozen high-ranking officers peered at our merry band through the hidden windows. Shaking their heads in amazement at their incredible good fortune in capturing so many

aliens in one fell swoop, they studied the trekkers. In spite of years of local sightings, they

were unprepared for the overwhelming alien-ness of these beings.
 

"That one!" said a colonel, pointing at Maximus. "He's GOT to be from Mars!" As, of

course, Maximus was neither little nor in the least green, it was obvious the colonel had

grown up reading Edgar Rice Burroughs' John Carter series...a much finer view than the overly-popular green men one.

 

But it was Nash's involved conversation with Charles that had grabbed the attention of a

grizzled general. "Invisible," he murmured. "Some of them are invisible." His eyes widened

as he wondered just how many aliens they actually had in the warehouse. There could be

dozens of the invisible ones lurking about! The general turned, reaching for a red phone,

and ordered....

part 22..by Jo

78 large pizzas. His plan was clever, indeed! Scattering the pizzas throughout the warehouse,

he watched carefully as the hungry characters and Peeps devoured them. But only ONE

slice was lifted by invisible hands. He sighed in great relief. Life as he knew it was not quite

so endangered, after all. Though...he had to admit...looking at the bald one with the exoskeleton...he still had some doubts.

 

And the one the colonel thought was from Mars...just what sort of weaponry was he

concealing in those 5 tumbleweeds clutched to his chest like that? And the equipment on

that one in camo...why, he'd never seen anything like it. It must be really, really dangerous ...being so very large and all. He considered sending a spy in to extract it and take it to a

lab for examination, but judging by the way that one female alien never got more than 6

inches away from it at any time, he knew that wouldn't work.

 

His eyes then fastened on the strange alien with the black wings. Some form of Neptunian

bat he decided. Perhaps she should go to the dissection lab first. How was he to know that

Paula G at that very moment was thinking that very thing?
 

Sid, the only true alien of the batch, was not among the captives. Standing on a hilltop not

far away, he studied the exterior of the warehouse. This glitch was not in his plans for the

trek. He had his OWN plans and was not pleased at the interruption. If anybody were going

to dissect a character, by Jove, HE would be the one to do it! His handsome lips curved in a pleased smile at that thought. Lucilla-like, he murmured "Mmmmmmmmaximus," in a low

and throaty voice but ending with a mocking lilt.

 

His seagreen eyes narrowed. If it had not been for that Juditha woman discovering his lab

inside the tallest of the Towers of Pain, he would have been well on his way with his slicing

and dicing plans for the General. Perhaps, he mused, if he were to disguise himself as a

military scientist, he might yet be able to get in a bit of Decimus decimation. Or Aubrey annihilation. Ah, life's little pleasures!
   

What to do? What to do? Ah, well, he decided, he'd rather have the characters and Peeps

loose and at his mercy...chuckle, chuckle...than locked in the military warehouse. It was

time to get on with the game! He wanted to be the one keeping Jo and Juditha, not to

mention Bert and that annsmac woman, from getting to Chicago. So....he slipped unseen,

as only his great criminal mind could manage, into the control room of the warehouse

and inserted himself into their computer system, as only a certified computer chip could do.

The officers stared at the wall of computer screens in some consternation. Was that an

actual GIGGLE they heard coming out of them?
 

Suddenly every screen on the base began flashing luminescent blue, every light began to

blink, every door to open and shut over and over, every alarm to sound, every sprinkler to

gush water, every toilet to flush. It was sheer bedlam! And every character and every Peep slipped quickly, one by one, through the opening and closing warehouse door...slipping

quietly off into the desert on a dead run toward Amarillo. Although Sue the sometimes

usually Vile thought she heard Terry say "armadillo" and hesitated long enough that the

tip of one of her black leather wings was nipped completely off as the warehouse door

slammed shut again. The incident got her Cort's sympathy vote, however, and the tender- hearted ex-gunslinger kissed the booboo as they ran off together.
   

As they neared the northern border of Texas, Terry reassured the tired trekkers that it

wouldn't take long at all to cross Oklahoma as they would be at its panhandle where it was

quite narrow.

 

"Then," asked Phyllis quite reasonably, "what is that large white mass I see up ahead?"
 

It was then and only then that the realization hit them. Sid had replaced Oklahoma with Greenland! Giant glaciers loomed in their pathway. Jo, looking down at her long gossamer

skirt, muttered, "Drat!"

 

Maximus, ever gallant, pulled her close and wrapped his rust-colored wool cape about her.

"If you stay together...with me...you will survive," he said softly.
   

They stepped into the snow, Paula leaving footprints tinged with chocolate, Sue leaving footprints tinged with...well...Dasypodidae doodoo...to be politely scientifical. They had

gone only a league or so into the whiteness before Steve, clutching his snow-covered towel closely, shouted, "I think I see Hooker!"

 

Leah smacked him. "No, no," he explained quickly..."Hooker, Oklahoma!"

 

Likely story, thought Leah, especially as they were in Greenland and not Oklahoma in the

first place.

 

Cap'n Jack settled the matter by a quick look through his faithful telescope. Then the whole episode centered in on his right eyeball as it artfully showed a perfectly portrayed look of

the sudden dawning of the awareness of imminent danger. "Everybody DOWN!" he shouted

as he turned and pushed several Peeps into the snow.

 

A large spear buried itself deeply into a snow bank near Buggie, whose eyes... er..."bugged"

at the sight.

 

"VIKINGS!" shouted Jeffrey.
 

"Football players? Here in the snow?" asked Zack in disbelief.

 

Biebe yanked out the spear, holding it toward the FBI agent. "Does this look like a football?"

he asked, one eyebrow cocked.

 

"Hey!" Susan Guildford said protectively, "leave him alone!" She was in no mood to be t

rifled with. Keeping her blue poppy alive in a blizzard was hard enough without her

character being maligned.
   

Just then, large, fur-clad shapes appeared in a circle about the trekkers, their forms blurred

by the heavy snowfall. "Uh, oh!" murmured BertiCold, pressing artfully closer to Bud.
 

A huge man with long red hair approached, his eyes riveted on Maximus in amazement.

The man stopped about 10 paces from the General, staring quietly at him for a long while

before closing then opening his eyes slowly. "Thor," he murmured almost under his breath

as he dropped to his knees.

 

"What does he mean?" Maximus whispered into Jo's ear.

 

"He thinks you are the Thunder god," Jo explained, her brain running through the

possibilities this might present.
  

Sid, too, watching from a nearby ice crevice, was considering the possibilities. The blasted General had a way of always fouling up his best plans! Just wait, though! He and he alone

knew what awaited a certain contingent of the trekkers not far beyond Greenland. He

grinned. Yes...it would be good. He could not resist the urge to laugh aloud and the sound

of it echoed out of the crevice and up the heights of the glacier where the snow pack was dreadfully heavy and loose. A sudden rumbling caused the entire cast to look up as a giant

wall of snow began a crumbling cascade down the steep slope. The Peeps and characters

had no need this time for Aubrey's eyeball to register its profound look. This was bad!

Obviously bad! They turned and ran as...

part 23...the end...by Jo


fast as the Peep's sparkly little spike heels could go! Which,  of course, was not nearly fast enough, alas. All the characters, even Arthur, yes, even Arthur, went into instant hero mode (this was, naturally, carefully permitted by the Peeps, who, being able-bodied, intelligent

women perfectly capable of self-preservation were, nonetheless, wise and willing to allow themselves to be heroically saved for the pure pleasure of it!). Each character scooped
up as many Peeps as possible in his own unique way, using his own unique, though somehow rather similar...er...equipment.

 

Maximus tossed his round shield on the snow, hopped atop it, and with Jo, Lucilla, and

French Rose tucked here and there about his person, snowboarded along the top of the

cresting avalanche. Andy was doing much the same with a large glazed soup tureen.
 

Biebe balanced on one toe atop his rather smaller puck, but still managed to carry along

Buggie and Sally. The back from a 1950's kitchen chair made a comfortable ride for

BertiSwoop and Audrey in Bud's biceptually-brimming arms. Alex grabbed his Countess

and brimmed away on his amazing fedora.
 

Yes, each character in his own way saved the entire PeepCorps.  The avalanche was

episodically long and as it harmlessly petered out on the northern edge of Greenland,

deposited our entire cast across the border into Kansas.

 

Why, they wondered, were all those black vans and old trucks and things running across
the plains like that? "Oh," said BertiBright, casting her eyes about the scene, it must be

because of that F5 twister that is coming straight toward us."

 

Yes, indeed, Berti WAS right! No sooner had the Peeps been set down upon their sparkly evening shoes than the cow-riddled tornado was upon them, scooping up several members

of our cast, entirely unStarless Trekking them from the journey to Chicago, and depositing t

hem in...well....Oz, of course. Only this time it was not Never Never Oz as in episodes gone

by, but the actual Oz of the red dirt and the kangaroos.

 

BertiBlown looked at Bud; annsmac checked quickly to see that Terry's equipment had not suffered windburn; Amanda smiled at Biebe.

 

"Where ARE we?" asked Biebe, looking around for some ice or snow.

 

"Well," Amanda replied, "I'd say the old line about not being in Kansas anymore except for t

he fact that it's been done to death so I won't."

 

"Thank you!" retorted BertiBleary, trying to take stock of their current situation. Obviously Chicago was now totally out of the question for them. But, she thought, looking at Bud as he assessed how many buttons had been popped off his white shirt by her clutching fingers, it

could be worse. Audrey could have been blown off course with them. But now it seemed

Audrey was going to Chicago, and BertiGlad was in Oz with Bud. Not too bad, BertiSmile thought... not too bad at all. And so...but that is another story for another time.
   

Back in Kansas, the remaining cast pulled themselves together after the tornado had headed away in the general direction of the South Pacific, and checked to see who was still on the

trek to Chicago. Jo and Juditha were still there among the rest. So far so good they thought.

But Sid was watching and planning. And, so, they crossed Kansas...with Phyllis getting to

count the windmills on their left and Diz getting to count the windmills on their right. After

they had gotten out of Dodge, they hung a sharp right and headed towards the distant St.

Louis. Sid went on ahead to perfect his evil plans.
   

Because next weekend was rapidly approaching, it didn't take them long to get to the far

side of the world...er...Missouri. Maximus immediately caught sight of the huge white arch

by the river and walked swiftly towards it...just as Sid had known he would.

 

"What is THIS?" he snarled. "Has Commodus reared yet another monument to his

depravity? What so-called 'triumph' of his does this commemorate?"
 

Just as Jo was planning how to explain to him about wagon trains and such, he Aubrey, Egan and Zack walked under the arch...and disappeared. Jo, Juditha, Diz and Susan Guildford exchanged meaningful looks. SID! It HAD to be! Without hesitation the four women charged after the men, also disappearing right in front of the startled eyes of the rest of the Peeps and characters.

 

"Well," explained Audrey helpfully. "It IS the Gateway Arch, is it not?"

 

"Yes," added Lucilla, "but gateway to WHERE... to WHAT?"

 

"I suppose we shall have to wait until after the Chicago concert to find the answer to that, " Lusty Susan added, her pockets full of newly- gathered apples and her eyes glowing with 'Bounty-ous' memories. (Susan got to serve as a hand aboard the Bounty, hence the references

in these last two storylines.)

 

Gathering up their backpacks, the Peeps and characters swam the Missouri and headed

north towards Chicago. Lucilla wiped a tear from one cheek. Was it there because Jo and Juditha were not going to make the concert or because Jack and Maximus were gone?

Perhaps it was a bit of both. Perhaps. The newly-rising sun shone upon her cheek, though,

and in her heart the sounds of Other Ways of Speaking began to reverberate.

 

She squared her chin and smiled determinedly. She and the surviving Peeps would just

jolly well enjoy the concert enough for ALL of Peepdom, even those who had been carried

off to Oz and those who had gone...well...wherever it was that Sid had set as the far side of

the Arch. She knew they would want it that way. Peeps are like that, you know. They are

glad when sisterPeeps are happy...are on the last leg of the long journey to Chicago. Yes...

they are.

(Note: this was written the day before the first Chicago concert in 2003 and reflects directly

who did and who didn't get to go. In previous elderepis I've replaced the word "Peeps"...

which is short for "CrowePeople", the list these appeared on, with "CroweWomen"...BUT

since we are going to arrive, after Handomonium, at Under the TuscPeep Sun, I decided to

leave it as it appeared in these last couple of elderepis.)

 

DIRECTLY CONTINUED AS "HANDOMONIUM"

 

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