The Chronicles of the Felix Forest

Section One:

The Tigris, the Gypsy and the Handsome Young Gladiator

By Bridgid

Once upon a time there was a man called Tigris Of Gaul. He was a big strong gladiator, and he fought many battles in the arena, gaining fame and skill with each victory. When he wasn’t fighting, he would return to his barracks, where a handsome, kind and yet somehow quietly intelligent young gladiator would be training. Let’s call him Maximus. Did I mention how strikingly attractive Maximus was? Ok. So anyway, Tigris had fame and fortune, but was jealous of young Maximus, because of his quick wit, and dashing good looks (Maximus is really handsome, you'd like him if you met him, really).  

 
So every day, Tigris would come back from the arena and beat poor Maximus, because Tigris was so butt ugly and Maximus was so handsome (and witty). This, it seemed to Tigris (in what passed for his mind) was only fair, in a cosmic way. However, Maximus became very upset, for he was a skilled fighter (and handsome) but he could not match the brute force of Tigris. So every night, he would be beaten (while crying out things to distract the ogre, like 'Not in the face!').  
 
The only solace he could find was in the toffees and occasional wallets, jewelry, and on one very special occasion, a big screen plasma TV that unaccountably wound up in his footlocker. All by themselves...he didn’t steal them or anything. The plasma TV really puzzled Maximus because plasma hadn't been invented yet, nor had TV for that matter, which might explain why Maximus couldn’t get good reception.

 
 Maximus was very upset with Tigris' brutal treatment, and swore to use his mighty intellect to defeat him somehow and exact revenge, possibly using his good looks if he could swing it, too. He was, like, totally not running away one night (it was more like an expedient stroll away from Tigris' general vicinity) when he stumbled into a campsite in the forest at the edge of town. There was an ornately carved wooden caravan in the shadows of a tree, but it appeared to have been abandoned. In the darkness, Maximus heard a horse moving around. He discovered that somebody cruel had left the poor creature unattended but tethered to a tree. He was just about to go and see if it needed any exercise or anything when he heard some feminine singing drifting on the night breeze. With his hands almost on the reins of the steed, Maximus froze. People always had a bad habit of jumping to the wrong conclusion when he touched their stuff.  

 
 
Maximus listened to the voice, and noticed that along with the singing was a sound of light splashing. Always on the look out for the well-being of his fellow man, even if the man was a hot young female man, Maximus cautiously approached what he soon realized was a crystal pool of water shimmering in the night. Hiding in a bush (to protect the delicate sensitivities of women of the female persuasion) he watched a young gypsy woman washing, the water glistening on her body like rivulets of molten sliver in the moonlight.

Hmm? Where was I? Oh right, right. Well anyway. Long story short, the Gypsy woman spotted him. There then followed an indeterminate amount of time when she jumped to all kinds of wrong conclusions, which (as usual for Maximus) involved him being chased around and hit with things. After he calmed her with his charm and wit (or was it his overwhelming handsomeness? I forget) she discovered what he was doing out at the forest at night.  
 
"My, that Tigris certainly sounds like a brute, to be so mean to a handsome man as charming, witty and handsome as you are."
 
"Yes," said Maximus. "I try to be nice to him, but he's so dumb he thinks I’m just making fun of him. I wish there was something somebody could do to him to exact my revenge for me!"
 
"Well," said the naked gypsy girl, "you are devastatingly handsome... spend the night with me and I will use my gypsy magic on him!"
 
Now Maximus was no fool. He did not believe in any form of magic, whether there was a naked woman involved or not. But being so generous of spirit, he could not turn the obviously lonely girl down. Maximus was a nice guy, if you haven’t figured it out (handsome, too, they say).

  
 
The next day, Maximus lost track of time in the barracks looking through some stuff that had appeared in his locker through no action of his own. The time was important, because he was trying not to get his handsome face beaten to mush by the meanie Tigris. A big black shadow filled the doorway, Maximus didn’t need to look around to see who was blotting out the light... he could smell the reek of Gaul from across the room.  

 
  Moving to occupy the corner of the room, but not cowering, Maximus was surprised that his usual beating wasn’t going on, and the mean old ogre had had plenty of time to cross the room and pummel him. Darting a quick glance into Tigris's face, he could just about make out a dopey grin between a fold of fat, a boil and a wart.  
 
"Forsooth!" said Maximus, perplexed. "Whyfore art thou not handing me a kicking?"
 
"UGH!!" Said Tigris, topping his usual half syllable vocabulary (half syllable words do exist, but they are rare, and Tigris collected the rare words like he collected his skin diseases).  
 
"Come again?" pursued Maximus.

  
 
"Me's got girly friend now. Me not need to overcompensate with violence to my more intelligent, much more handsome brethren." (Maximus, being the great guy he is, spent the time Tigris wasn’t beating him to try to teach him new words like 'stick' and 'bad' and handy phrases like 'stick on Maximus bad'. Although he never expected Tigris to scale the leviathan that was the five syllable range).
 
Tigris, overcome by the effort of his last statement, simply gestured outside. Puzzled but wary (Maximus was like a coiled spring, ready to defend himself at any moment... uh, if springs had been invented too) Maximus proceeded out to investigate.  
 
"I don’t see anyone" Called Maximus. "The only thing out here is this flea bitten, distraught looking donkey. It seems to be scratching something in the sand out here... hey, did you teach a donkey to write 'Mercy, kill me'?"
 
Tigris joined him outside.  

"Here, me's got you somefink, Mathilda," said Tigris, and proceeded to plant a flower in the donkey's mane with his big stubby fingers.

 
 
Maximus looked at Tigris quizzically, a look that went far beyond Tigris's tenuous comprehension.  "You know that’s a donkey, right? Hooves and everything?"

 
"Don’t you be mean to Mathilda! She most beautiful woman in Rome!"
 
The donkey sent a desperate glance at Maximus.  
 
"So... you see a woman here... definitely no donkeys?"

 
Tigris looked blank for a moment as the words sank in.  "No clever word games, Mister. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to show Mathilda her new home."
 
The donkey dug its hooves in, which started to send tiny sparks in random directions as Tigris dragged it away.  

 
 Maximus stroked his chin, a mannerism that many people would later copy when they were trying to look as intelligent and thoughtful as the renowned and dashingly handsome Maximus.

 
 
So, the gypsy curse is that Tigris can’t see animals anymore, only women... Maximus thought. Too bad for them, but on the bright side, they will keep him occupied!
 
And so it was that the witty and clever and handsome... brilliant Maximus got his revenge on the mean Tigris. That’s why Tigris is so pre-occupied all the time, and that’s why we had to soundproof his room. There's only so much donkey screaming a man can take, no matter how undeniably handsome or awesomely intelligent he is.  
 
All was well for a while, and then some other women moved into the barracks and started being mean to Maximus even though he was just trying to be nice and look out for them, really. But they were mean to him and upset him in ways that Tigris never did. They had many chances to be nice, but they preferred to be mean to him. So one day a mighty god saw this injustice upon one of his most intelligent and handsome creations, and smote the women for being mean to Maximus. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth! But it was too late!! Ha Ha!

 
 If you look closely, you might be able to pick out the moral of the story, especially in the last bit. Maybe if YOU know somebody like Maximus, you could try to make up to him all the meanness, before you are smoten. But, y'know, it’s up to you.

TBC

Next: Price Aubrey

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