gladiatorisms

 

bY TARA

 

FOUND IN THE RUINS OF GERMANIA, ZUCCHABAR, AND ROME

 (in Germania)  on a roll of  papyrus apparently stuffed into the left pocket of a headless messenger’s tunic:

YEAH--YOU AND WHOSE ARMY ?

 

Signs at the front flap of the Germanian Roman Officers’ Tent:  

SHEATH YOUR SWORDS – THIS MEANS YOU

 

 

Please WASH BATTLE BLOOD OFF hands IN ROSE-PETALLED BOWL

AT ENTRANCE TO OFFICERS’ TENT

 

 

 

GENERALS, check wolfskin-lined cloaks at the door

 

NOLI  VULPUS  PRETURBARE  MAXIMI

( DO NOT TRY ON GEN. MAXIMUS’ WOLF

( SHE IS NOT A COLLAR )

 

Sign in Warden’s Office at Prisoners of War quarters: 

PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW WHEN THEY ARE CONQUERED

 

At various areas of Zucchabar Gladiator quarters:

 

RED IS THE COLOR OF THE GODS

 YOU WILL NEED THEIR HELP TODAY 

 

MINOTAURS:  PLEASE EAT DOWNWIND AT BACK OF CAFETERIA

 

 

 

Stealing Proximo's sautéed Butterflies

IS PUNISHABLE BY DEATH

 

 

( ET, BY THE BY, what are you doing in his tent anyhow )

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scribbled rules in Proximo’s Zuccabar Gladiators’ Quarters:

 

VISITING HOURS time Rules (inflexible):  

That Bitch of a mother Who brought you screaming into the world – 1 hour

Queer Giraffes – 10 minutes

 

NOTE:  ALL LION CAGE VISITS COINCIDE WITH LION FEEDING TIME

 

 

Gleanings from rules, regs, rocks’n’shoals from The Zucchabar Gladiator School Manual

 

DO NOT DISTURB QUEER GIRAFFES

 

 

 

THANK YOU FOR SMOKING

 

 

Zucchabar Ads:

 

WE  play weddings, wakes, BAR MITZVAHS

 ( SHEKELS converted to denarii )

 

        SCALPING CONFINED TO THE ARENA ( heh heh )

 

 - NO REFUNDS-

 

Gleanings from Rules & Regs posted at various areas of Roman Colosseum’s Gladiator quarters: 

PLEASE FORM LINE TO THE RIGHT AND USE

wooden SPOONS FOR consuming slop & GRUEL

 

 

DO  NOT PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD

(REMEMBER THE STARVING CARTHAGINIANS)

 

 

TESTING food FOR POISONING PERMITTED BEFORE SAYING GRACE

( YOU DO WANT SOMETHING TO BE THANKFUL to the gods FOR )

 

 

 

 

SURVIVORS OF INFANTILE TABLE GAMES Please return king cobra

to basket before leaving the PRACTICE yard

 

       

 

 

Graffiti at various areas of the Roman Gladiators’ quarters & rest room:

 

COMMODUS WEARS LUCILLA’S UNDERWEAR

 

QUIINTUS’ “mater DEAREST” wears praetorian boots

 

Minotaurs are horny

 

 

What—me worry?

 

HAGEN EATS MARS BARS

 

Graffiti allegedly carved in the W.C. by Maximus Himself:

Argento and scarto are NEIGH-SAYERS

 

Sign above Door to Colosseum arena:

Die dulci fruere  (HAVE A NICE DAY)

AND DON’T TURN YOUR BACK ON THE EMPEROR

 

Sign above door from  arena:

GOOD NIGHT…AND GOOD LUCK…

 

 

Tiger Fighting Rules:

When entering arena, BOW AND greet Tiger[s] as follows:

 

NICE TIGEY.  WHY NOT TRY FANCY FEAST INSTEAD ?

 

If UNSUCESSFUL,  try:

HERE, KITTY, KITTY.

 

If that doesn’t work, (and you’re still upright) repeat Steps I and II in Lati.N:

 

IF THAT DOESN’T WORK, TRY (IT ALMOST ALWAYS WORKS):

VOLO  PACTUM  FACERE!

(I would like to cut a deal !)

 

OK, NO DEAL: WHATTAYA GOT TO LOSE, MATE ??

Before [S]HE IS AT YOUR THROAT, Growl back, AS FOLLOWS:

“Go ahead, make my day.”

 

Tombstones/graves, requiescat in pace (REST IN PEACE):

 

Carved on a gladiator’s armor, and later, on his tombstone: 

 FRENA PRO FERIS LEO (I BRAKE FOR LIONS)

 (and IT DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK)

Carved on Juba the Nubian’s Tombstone: 

NOT YET . . . NOT YET (THAT’S THE ONLY LINE THEY GAVE ME)

 

Three suggestions for Proximo’s Tombstone (final choice unknown): 

I DIDN’T SAY  I KNEW HIM!  I said--HE JUST TOUCHED ME

ON THE SHOULDER. 

 

Spoiled Hyenas, I salute you

 

you cannot fool me with queer giraffes

 

as for ME ?  I’M AN ENTERTAINER

 

Roughly carved on the Slave-Dealer’s Tombstone in Zucchabar: 

He tried to SELL yet another pair of qUEER GIRAFFES

TO PROXIMO

 

Three suggested epitaphs for Maximus’s Tombstone (final selection unknown):  :

 

in Elysium, and already dead

 

WHAT Do I say to MY WIFE ? THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

 

THE GODS must have A SENSE OF HUMOR

 

Carved on Quintus’ Tombstone: 

 

THE GODS LOVED HIM BETTER THAN ME --WAAHH

 

 

Two suggestions for Commodus’s Tombstone (final choice unknown):

I'm vexed. I’m terribly vexed.

 

Have I missed the battle ?

 

On Marcus’ tombstone (next to Commo’s):

YOU Have MISSED THE WAR

 

Final Carved Letters for Cicero’s Tombstone:

Doin’ Wot  I  wanta do

 

Lucilla’s Epitaph:

 

 

She was a fool for a uniform, especially generals

 with wolfskins THROWN CARELESSLY ACROSS

THEIR BROAD, POWERFUL SHOULDERS

 

 

EXIT STAGE LEFT, EVEN 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BACK TO LIBRISCROWE

 

BACK TO TARA'S GLADIATOR POEMS