(pic by Stacey)

THE BRIDE WORE BLACK

An absolutely ridiculous piece of writing trying to pass itself off as a story.

Complete with a large amount of Russell characters, all of whom were dragged

kicking and screaming into the so-called storyline. These unfortunates include:

Sid, Jeffrey, Aubrey, Sir Robert, Maximus, Cort, Bud, Ben, Richie, Terry, Hando,

and Lachlan. Very, very epi-like...and a lot of fun!

By Stacey and Jo

Stacey writing in purple, Jo writing in teal

PART ONE:

Stacey walked quietly down the darkened basement stairway, her eyes filled with tears and her heart filled with rage. Angrily, she flipped up the light switch, illuminating a large room filled with computers. Along the entire left side of the wall was a huge floor-to-ceiling computer screen, which gave off an ominous bright blue glow.

Just days earlier, she and her new husband had been having the time of their lives – wreaking havoc wherever they went and tormenting anyone and anything that got in their way. Neither a person nor a cute and cuddly creature had been safe in their wake. Why, just yesterday, Sid, after hearing about how annoying Spongebob was to Stacey, had turned the little yellow sponge into a beautiful pair of sneakers for her. Sid was always bringing her presents like that. For their wedding, he had brought Stacey the General, Maximus, which he allowed her to keep as a “pet” chained in the basement.

 (pic by Stacey)

“Oh, Maximus...now, where has he gone?” she thought to herself at once. She looked about the room for any sign of the general, but saw only his empty chains dangling from the ceiling.

“Nevermind, I’ll deal with him later.” She smoothed out her black leather dress and went back to her task at hand.

 It had taken a bit of “convincing” on Sid’s part to get Stacey to agree to marry him. She still didn’t know how or what he had done – not that it or anything else seemed to concern her anymore. What did concern her was what they had done to her husband, her Siddums.

“They will pay. They will all pay for what they have done to you, my love,” she said, as she walked up to the giant screen.

Suddenly, as if on cue, the screen was filled with Sid’s smiling face.

(pic by Stacey)

"Ah, there you are, my bride," he grinned. "Beautiful in black, as always."  He looked around the room, smile fading. "A cellar? My computer is located in a cellar?"  Kicking the orange hedgehog out of his path, he walked up a hillside covered in white field daisies, pausing at the top to look back at Stacey. "How," he asked, choosing one of the white flowers and slowly plucking its petals one by one, "am I to...enjoy...my bride, might I ask? I seem to be rather cooped up again." He cocked his head, raising a single eyebrow quite high. "I do not like being cooped up."  A clucking chicken flew by and, without looking, he reached up with one hand, gripping its legs, and with the other down into the daisies, producing a crock pot. He proceeded to stuff the still cackling chicken, feathers and all, into the pot.  "Like that. They have stuffed me back into my pot but I do not intend on becoming fodder for their crass appetites."  Smiling again, he dropped the pot, which turned into a butterfly and settled lightly on a flower. "And you, my dearest darling bride. What do you intend to do about it?"

An evil grin spread across Stacey's face.  She leaned into the large glowing screen and put her tiny hands up to it, as if caressing Sid's face. "Ah, but that is a good question, my dear, and one you will be pleased to know that I have an answer for." 

The glow of the screen danced at her fingertips, as she moved her hand up to Sid's. "A mistake was made....on their part, naturally, and it was let slip that there is still a cube in existence."

Stacey felt something scurry across the floor, brushing up against her leg as it went. Instinctively, she kicked at it, and sent the little furry creature flying. "Sorry, Siddums, the nasty little thing must have escaped when you took over the Hundred Acre Wood....as I was saying, I have a plan on how to acquire the cube and therefore free you from your temporary prison."

"A cube?" His smiled broadened. "I knew you were a worthy bride, my darling."  
He watched as Piglet went tumbling behind a garbage can. Ordinarily little pigs 

were not furry, but this was a Milne little pig and, so, formed of soft, fleecy material. 

Sid wondered idly for a passing second if Piglet's stuffing matched that of the 

red-shirted bear he'd unstuffed so recently. But he had more important things to 

wonder about, really he did, than Piglet stuffing (though Piglet himself might have 

disagreed with that point!).  "Have you an idea where this cube might be?" he 

purred. "Or who might be in possession of it?"  

"As a matter of fact, I do." Stacey paused, her evil smile widened a bit, then continued, "That stuffy 'ole Captain is currently in possession of it. That is, until I steal it back from him!" She let out a loud, maniacal laugh. In the corner of her eye, she could see Piglet shaking nervously, as he cowered behind the garbage can. She turned, looked him in his little squinty piggie eyes, and he quickly disappeared from sight once more.  

Stacey turned her attention back towards Sid."I have already in fact devised a plan on how to get the cube away from Captain Jack, though I might require a bit of help in order to do so." She thought about her band of ninja warriors...the ones that had previously helped her in securing Sid into a giant pumpkin.

 (pic by Stacey)

Unfortunately, they no longer were on her side and were at this very moment probably plotting against their former commander and ally. No, this required someone special....someone devious...someone willing to do whatever it took to free Sid. Suddenly, she remembered the two men that Sid had kidnapped and brainwashed 2 weeks earlier. "I think it's time to call upon our old friends, Jeffrey and Sir Robert."

"You think they are mentally capable of being of assistance? When last I left them, 

their mental health was sort of rocky."  He couldn't help but smile at all the fun he'd 

had getting them to that place. Jeffrey's fingers already were stained brown with 

tobacco, especially since he'd started rolling his own cigarettes. Sid had carefully 

explained how much better cigarettes were with no filters at all. And then Jeffrey 

had taken up piracy and was proving to be quite adept at it, surprising everyone, 

especially his beloved Meggie. 

(pic by Jo) 

Sir Robert hadn't taken all that much effort to send over the edge of sanity. Even 

before he'd fallen into Sid's clutches he'd been in the throes of a severe identity 

crisis and would leave his bed at night, wandering in Sherwood Forest dressed all 

in green. Come morning he'd have only the vaguest recollection of where he'd been, 

what he'd done or how he'd recently gotten to be so expert in fighting with a staff.

Before his cube had been cubenapped, Sid had been entertaining the thought of 

sending Sir Robert into the Hundred Acre Wood, hoping perhaps he might confuse 

his identity further with that of Tigger. Now, though, that the portly, scarred Captain 

had possession of his cube, an aging pirate and a tail-bouncing Sheriff just might 

come in handy. 

“After all the fun you had with them last time, my darling, I’m sure it will be easy to convince them to help our cause.” It didn’t even occur to Stacey that Sid’s “fun” with Jeffrey and Sir Robert is what prompted her to go after Sid in the first place. She had found his “games” disturbing and vile and vowed to put an end to them. Sid, of course, seemed to find the manner in which she went after him intriguing, which is what prompted him to eventually do whatever it was he did to “turn” Stacey and make her his bride.

"Then there's not a moment to lose!" Sid said in his best Aubreyish voice, which, of course, being Sid, was absolutely perfect. "The last I heard the Captain was dining on roast flightless cormorant and soused marine iguana."  Sid made a gagging sound and, clutching his neck, did a double flip off the daisy hill into a canvas chair by a thatched cabana beside a beach. "I'd suggest looking for Smokestack Jeffie somewhere near here, my dear."  He pointed to a large X drawn in black on the golden sand. "Pirates are always after giant X's, are they not?"

X

“Off to the beach it is, then,” replied Stacey, eager to get her evil plans underway. She gave Sid a big wet kiss (luckily the monitor was water proof) then quickly turned to leave. “When I see you again, my dear Siddums, you shall be standing next to me once more.”

Stacey, having snuck aboard one of Terry’s helicopters while the big man was busy showing off his muscular biceps to Beej and a few of her swooning friends, quickly flew to the island with the big X on it that was on the map Sid showed her.

Just as Sid had told her, Stacey found Jeffrey (dressed in complete pirate garb – poofy shirt and all) standing on the beach – a shovel clutched in his chubby, tobacco-stained hands. He was pacing back and fourth (not one, but three filter-free cigarettes dangling from his lips as he puffed), mumbling to himself, and kept stopping to check his map.

“I know it’s here somewhere….”Jeffrey mumbled, as he began to dig yet another hole in the sand. At this rate, there’d be no beach left to dig up! Stacey, having previously had ninja experience, stealthily snuck up behind Jeffrey and planted a treasure box in one of the holes that had already been dug up. Suddenly realizing that he wasn’t alone, Jeffrey stopped digging his hole and looked up at Stacey.

“Why, hello there, Jeffie dearest,” purred Stacey, batting her big green eyes at him and grinning an evil grin.

“Uh….hell..hello…”stammered Jeffrey, taking another long drag on the three cigarettes. “Can I help you with something?”

Stacey’s smile grew larger and even more devious. “Actually, that’s exactly why I am here, my dear, so you can help me with…something.”

“Sorry, I’m a bit busy now,” Jeffrey nervously replied. “I can’t possibly stop my search. I was told there was treasure here and that I had to find it or my fingers would fall off.” He quickly stuck his nose back into his map and began to feverishly search for his missing buried treasure.

Stacey stood over him on the edge of the hole, still grinning. “If I help you find this missing treasure, will you then agree to help me?”

Jeffrey thought about this for a moment, then hesitantly replied, “Umm, okay. It’s a deal. You help me, I’ll help you.”

Stacey quickly showed Jeffrey the treasure box she had secretly hidden in one of the holes. “There. Done. Now, here’s what I need for you to do….”

Meanwhile, Maximus, having been secretly set free from his chains by Piglet, had made his way back to his beloved, Joimus…

"What's that fuzzy pink thing on your shoulder, darling?" Joimus greeted the General. She was quite used to seeing fuzzy greyish stuff all over his shoulders when he wore his glorious rust-colored cape, but she'd never seen anything like the small object perched so tenuously on his left shoulder.

"It's a Piglet," he replied in his best Commander of the Armies of the North voice.

"A baby pig?  You have been attacked in the  woods by the teensy offspring of a sow?"

Maximus turned his head to the side, smiling fondly down at the rather oddly-shaped-for-a-pig creature. "He saved me."

"You...you were saved by pinkish fuzz?"

"I was, most assuredly," the General nodded. "There I was in nothing but my sorely-ripped off-white tunic, battered, bruised, awaiting certain death, when suddenly this Piglet tumbled down the stairs from behind the garbage cans and landed on my left boot."

"You have a left boot?" Joimus murmured. "I...I...thought...."

Maximus' eyes narrowed slightly. "I know what you thought, my lady, but nevertheless upon my left foot resides a brown leather boot."

"Didn't you only wear black leather in Rome, darling?"

"I was not in Rome when I was Sidknapped, my love. I was with you."

"How soon we forget," she muttered, staring at his booted foot. Somehow between the cowhide and the pig fuzz this reunion was not going exactly as she had hoped. Also, nothing much was being done to further the storyline. Not at all. That being the case, Joimus made a command decision to further the storyline even less, a whole LOT less, and plucked the pig-thing off the General's shoulder, popping it into a large toy castle she just happened to have in front of her window.

(actual photo of Jo's living room window)

"Play with the drawbridge, Pig," she whispered firmly to it, then taking Maximus by one of his strong, virile brown hands, led him into the bedroom where she proceeded to reunite with him in a much more satisfactory manner.

Distracted by the process of the reunion, Maximus quickly forgot any remaining pig-thoughts. Afterwards, Joimus peeled two large barrels of grapes for him, grape by grape, and when his intestines had mostly recovered, they settled on a low lounge to speak together, though not as men, because, well, Joimus was a woman and not even close to being Emperor of Rome.

Back at the beach…

Stacey, having convinced the portly pirate Jeffrey to help her with her plans to steal back Sid’s cube from Captain Jack, quickly whisked him away on her stolen helicopter and headed towards the last known location of Sir Robert. It took some time, but they finally found Sir Robert (dressed in green tights again, poor confused man!) in the midst of a nearby forest, playing with his bow and arrows.

“Dear Sir,” Stacey told him, in her most heroine-in-need voice, and once again, batting her big green eyes, “we have traveled far and wide to find you. We are in

need of your services.”

Upon hearing this news, Sir Robert put down his bow and grinned broadly. “Of course, my Lady. How might I be of service to you and your strangely-dressed companion here?”

“My dear sweet husband has been trapped in a box by an evil villain, and in order to free him we must first steal…er…take back… the key – which he has entrusted to a vile Captain of the Sea.”

Sir Robert, being both brave and noble, agreed to help Stacey and Jeffrey with their plan and immediately left with them on their mission to steal the cube from Captain Aubrey.

Unfortunately, back at Joimus’ place, Piglet (having spied on Stacey and Sid for quite some time), was trying desperately to fill Maximus in on what he overheard there. But alas, up until this point, all of his attempts went unnoticed (Maximus being quite preoccupied. Besides, being the little fuzzy piggie that he is, all of his attempts to “speak” just sounded like annoying, high-pitched squeals).

Finally Piglet resorted to banging the drawbridge of the little castle violently up and down. *poom* *poom* *poom*

"Darling," Maximus said, cocking his ear. "Do I hear little pooms coming from the living room?"

"I'll check. You just wait here by your barfy bowl. It's probably just someone at the door selling cookies."

She walked into the living room, pausing by the castle. The pigthing was messing with the drawbridge. "Listen, fuzzsnout," she said, picking it up by the scruff of
its little pink neck. "I'm busy with the General. Don't poom the drawbridge!"  With that she dropped him into an apothecary jar onto a layer of dried rose petals and
replaced lid, ignoring him as he pressed his little face against the glass.

Just then a soft *tappy-tap-tap* sounded at her door and, sighing, she opened it. What would keep her from her continuing reunion with the General NOW?
"Ben?" she said, narrowing her eyes at the figure standing on her stoop.

"Help me!" he gasped, falling over her threshold, clutching the arrow protruding from his shoulder.

She squatted quickly beside him. "Who did this to you, Ben? Who would hurt you like this?"

Gasping, he looked up at her with eyes dark with pain, eyes that silently said You should know!

But, of course, being innocent and having her reunion with Maximus as an air-tight alibi, she had no idea. None whatever. "Have you been in Sherwood again, Ben?"

she asked.

He would have answered were he able to maintain some sort of consciousness. Just then Maximus strode into the room, barfy bowl firmly in hand. "Ben?" He looked at Joimus. "How did Ben get wounded?"

"I have no idea," she replied. "None. I was with you all the time."

"Of course, my love. No one would ever think you might have anything to do with such a thing."

She smiled. "Do you think you could get him off my carpet, dearest, before the blood spreads out too much further?"

Hurrying, Joimus got a large, black garbage bag and spread it on the dining room table, pushing all the fresh cabbages off onto the floor. "Here," she said, "put him on the bag."

Maximus lay Ben on the table then gripped the end of the arrow in his strong hands. "Stand back," he directed, "so all the spurting blood doesn't get on your gown."  Maximus was always considerate like that, protecting her from shooting fountains of blood. It was amazing how often he needed to do that.

How fond his thoughtfulness made her feel toward him. "We could peel more grapes," she purred.

"After, darling. After we see if Ben will live or if he will die right here on our dining room table from which the cabbages have been removed."

Shortly after nightfall, Stacey – accompanied by Jeffrey and Sir Robert, stealthily snuck aboard the Surprise. Jack, having finished off his dinner, dessert, and several large pints of rum, lay slumped in his bed – completely unaware of the 3 visitors aboard his ship. Strangely, the rest of his crew was no where to be found (a happy coincidence for Stacey and her band of buffoons).

“The cube must be around here somewhere,” Stacey told the others, as she began to quietly rifle through the Captain’s belongings. Jeffrey, a complete nervous wreck by this point, had stuffed an entire pack of cigarettes into his mouth and was just about to light them when Stacey stopped him (not because she worried for his health and well-being, mind you, but because she knew that a lit cigarette might in fact wake the sleeping Captain and therefore foil her evil plan to steal back the cube and set her beloved Sid free.) As Jeffrey went about putting his cigarettes out, he happened upon a small decorative box.

“Treasure! I’ve found it at last!” he cried, rather loudly at that, causing the sleeping Captain to stir.

“Shhh!!!! Quiet, you bumbling fool!” whispered Stacey. “Here, let me see that box.”

She snatched the small, wooden box from Jeffrey’s chubby grip and quickly opened the lid. Excitedly, Stacey reached into the box and pulled out a small, glowing object.

“That doesn’t look like a key to me,” Sir Robert told her, examining the small cube in her hand.

“It’s not!” exclaimed Jeffrey. “It’s treasure! And I found it first! It’s mine! Give it to me – quickly, before my fingers fall off!”

“I think I’d better take it, to give it to the poor,” replied Sir Robert, attempting to grab the cube for himself.

Stacey quickly pocketed the cube, and flashed an evil grin at the pair of befuddled men. “Oh, it’s a key alright. And I want to thank the two of you buffoons for helping me get it back.” That being said, she shoved the two of them off the side of the ship and made her escape into the darkened night.

Aubrey awoke, both from the sound of the *splash* *splash* made just off the side of the Surprise and from the absence of the scent of cigarette smoke. Buckling on his cutlass,

he shrugged into his vest and held out his arms for Killick to slide his coat sleeves into proper position. After half an hour of holding his arms slightly behind himself, it dawned on him that Killick was not going to be coating him because Killick was not there. "Doctor!" he called loudly, running onto the poop deck, looking for his best friend. Stephen had the same excuse for not replying as Killick did for not coating. He, too, was not there.

Jack looked from fore to aft and then forely again. No one was anywhere. Well, except for him, of course. He was definitely somewhere. Or so it seemed. His attention caught by a bit of wild screaming off the non-port bow, he peered over the railing just in time to see a middle-aged pirate in glasses and a grey coat sucked into the tentacles of a giant blue squid. As the cold seawater burbled over his head, the pirate moaned something about his cigarettes getting wet. "Ah," thought Jack with great perspicaciousness, "no wonder I was awakened by the absence of smoke." 

Beside the burbling pirate, another man, mostly in green, floundered under the weight of several tons of English arrows. "Too bad," Jack said, shrugging, and dashing off to climb the mainmast. Since no one else was aboard, he wouldn't have to take turns today. That always made him a happy captain.

In the cover of darkness, Stacey moved swiftly and silently, completely hidden from the jolly captain (who was still happily perched up on the mainmast). Upon reaching the place she and the others had abandoned Terry’s stolen helicopter, she was upset to find that it unfortunately been recovered by its owner, who was now sitting inside of the cockpit. Urgently, Stacey scanned her surroundings, hopeful to find another mode of transportation.

“Aha!” she thought to herself, as she untied a black horse from a nearby tree. Nervously, she peered all around; searching for whoever had left the horse. “Strange,” she thought to herself, noticing several arrows scattered about the ground. She picked one up…a drop of blood tinged its sharp point. She tossed it aside and peered all around again. With the owner no where in sight, Stacey climbed up into the horse’s saddle and rode off toward home, Sid’s cube tucked neatly into her left pocket.

Once back home, Stacey ran as fast as she could down the basement stairs (which was pretty darn fast, since she was wearing the new Spongebob sneakers her beloved, Sid, had given her), flipped on the light switch, and bounced happily up to Sid’s computer.

“My darling…I have it!” exclaimed Stacey, reaching into her pocket and pulling out the small cube. A broad grin stretched across her face, as she held the object up to show Sid.

ON TO PART TWO...

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