AN ELDEREPI
By annsmac, Bert, Jo, Deb
Jo proceeded with her dastardly disconnection, leading to some speculation amongst the
others that perhaps she were some kin of the Boxkeeper's. There was something all too
similar
in the warpedly
twisted
tangles
of their brain tissue. Hmmmmm?)
"One for Russ, and Russ for all!" and dozens of swordtips clanked together. "
Oh, no," moaned Bert, "Jo's gonna buckle some swash again!"
Michele just giggled, "Oooooo....poofie/puffy
shirts!"
Jo, who had been a boot-person
ever since
Turkish train in rusty suede, was admiring the tall, floppy- topped boots everyone was
wearing. Ah, she was in boot
heaven!
Annsmac roughly shook her out of her reverie with her shouts of, "The Queen! They've
taken the Queen!" RichieSid, the evil hyacinth macaw (he refused to wear red, so, therefore could not be a cardinal, obviously) who dominated King Jeffrey the 15th, had stolen away
good Queen Wandrina, intending to send her to the far, far land of Mississippius and force
her to tend a large herd of mowing cattle. It
was a plot so unthinkably foul
that
the blood of all true Russketeers ran hotly
through their veins.
The Thos twins, Max and
Terr, sprang to their saddles, with
Cortamis and Zacktagnon
right behind. Cortamis was secretly the head of
the Redemptionites, but that did not stop
Michele from loving him.
Everyone had their secrets ( as we will soon
discover!). Zacktagnon, beloved of
Bertimus the Bold, was the love-child of Grizzly
Adams and Madame Godiva...but
Bertimus loved him in
spite of his hairy....er... condition. Terrthos had pledged in his youth never to eat another ripe olive until he had solved the mystery of the man in the camouflaged mask. And, neither day
nor night, was he separated from the equipment he would need to open that mask, once
found. And, neither day nor night was he separated from Annsmac, faithful equipment-
tender extraordinaire! Maxthos had the strangest secret of all. As a wee babe he had been
taken from his cradle and sold to Mongolian yurt weavers who had trained him in the mysterious arts of Summerian Saber Slashing and pearl diving. It had been on one of those
deep sea pearl dives that he had,
at last, managed to escape his captors by cleverly disguising himself as
seaweed. He had swum to
family and, now, only Terr remained of those who knew that Max was not really a Thos.
Who WAS he really? Did blood as blue as his tunic course through his veins...or was he
simply the stallmuckers son?
We shall find out....but not yet...not yet. Lord Bud de Ville's chateau lay
just ahead. If RichieSid's men had not gotten
there before the Russketeers, they would....
Part 2: Deb
However, the group had to halt as they heard an anguished cry amongst them. "I think Terrthos' has adjusted his...err equipment too well this time," Max said to Jo.
"That didn't come from
Terrthos," Deb said shaking her head " it sounds
more like..."
Cortamis stood amongst the group with a cherry red face to match his red Cardinal's
gear. "Aaaaaaah!" he cried as yet again with a sympathetic Michele tending to his side.
"Nice outfit," snickered Colin de
Gisbourne. Deb gave Colin a nudge.
"Well, it's still....still...hmmm...dusty at least," Terrthos said trying his best to cheer up
Cortamis. Above them sitting on a tree branch laughing away was the Boxkeeper.
Cortamis on the other hand was looking for a big enough bush to hide him and all of his
dust behind. "Maybe when we reach Bud de Ville's chateau, there will be something a
little more...you, dear," Michele said.
Upon reaching Bud de Ville's Chateau, Bert stepped up to the door and opened it with
ease. She gasped at the sight of the mess which meant that RichieSid's men had arrived
before they had. It appeared as if the place was turned upside down. "Shh...I think
someone's still here, " Bert advised in a low voice. The Russketeers clung to their men as
they slowly entered the chateau. Michele and Cortamis looked around and saw that
another door was slightly ajar, so carefully they opened
it to
find....
Part 3: annsmac
… Lord Lachingham, his white scarf twittering gaily behind him even as his face was cast
in melancholy. In his hands, he carried the note from Queen Wandrina. It asked him to rendezvous at Bud de Ville's villa. Er. Castle. Er. Estate. Er. Whatever. Oh, wait. His
chateau. That's right; we're in
"What's an English nobleman doing
in
"What's a Spaniard doing playing a Frenchie?" replied Lord Lachingham.
annsmac leaned into Terrthos, whispering to him, "What? Why on earth would anyone try
to make sense out of a spoof? I say we kill him and move along."
"My love, bloodthirsty women are a turn on, but I think the plot actually demands that we protect him lest evil Cardinal RichieSid destroys Queen Wandrina."
"Oh,
"I've always been plot-driven, you know that."
Jo and annsmac traded knowing glances. "Okay, sweetie. That's right. I just forgot for a
minute there," annsmac said, patting Terrthos' arm.
Zacktagnon stepped toward Lord Lachingham and raised a sword quickly to the royal
man's throat. "What do you know about Queen Wandrina being kidnapped by Cardinal RichieSid's men?"
At Zacktagnon's words, Lord Lachingham fainted dead away.
"Young Zacktagnon, you are still a novice Russketeer. Never ask a suspect a question that
will cause him to faint. It's boring," Maxthos told the hirsute one. "It pays to know your
target audience.
Our target audience is driven by estrogen. And every member of the estrogen
brigade loves nothing more than the sight of a swashbuckling hero involved
in a sword fight. Far better it would have been to have smacked the English
pup with the broadside of your weapon."
"He's right," Jo said. "Then we could have seen the muscles of your arm ripple and we could have seen your strong calves peeking over your boots and we…"
"My love. You prove my point but at the expense of my peace of mind," Maxthos told his Exalted Russketeer Jo. "Don't tell me I shall have to put blinders on you for the rest of this story?"
annsmac leaned into Terrthos. "Time for a swordfight," she whispered, smiling into his face
as he grinned playfully.
The Russketeers loved sword play. However, as the characters had learned aboard Captain Jack's tall ship, the CroweWomen were loath to parry their thrusts. Therefore, they only parried with each other. Soon the hall rang out with the clanks of swords meeting swords.
The women sat around the edges of the big room and drank in their fill. They were satisfied
with the boots scraping and dodging along the floor as the characters advanced and
retreated. They liked the sight of sweat glistening along the brow of characters practicing
their maneuvers. They enjoyed watching the play of well-muscled arms moving swords in powerful thrusts.
But they were each enraptured by certain… ahem… personal attributes. Cortimus' dust-
storm; Maxthos' black, stretchy bike shorts; Zacktagnon's bearded jaw; Handoth's swinging tattoos (what? You thought I'd cite some other swinging attribute of Handoth? Shame. )
Colin de Gisbourne's button-down pantaloons. But they saved a special place in their
hearts… and minds… for Terry's equipment.
Yee Haw! The 500th written reference to Terry's equipment! A moment of silence out of respect…
Okay. Back to the story.
Unfortunately, the CroweWomen were distracted by this magnificent display of sword skills
to notice that…
Part 4: Jo
RichieSid's troops had surrounded the chateau,
swords drawn, blocking all escape. Howsomever,
our intrepid Russketeers were not interested in
escape! They had just
finished their warm-up and were ready for the real thing! Unfortunately, there was no
Coke anywhere in Bud's chateau. Making do with several vats of ale, they turned to face
their massed foe. Fie on the foe who fought for fee and not truth, justice and the Gascon
way! Fee fie foe.... fum!! Did they smell the blood of the Englishman... Lord Lachingham?
After all, he HAD cut himself above his right eyebrow when he had fainted at Zacktagnon's threat.
What was that? It was RichieSid himself bellowing something toward the chateau. What did
he want? Lord Lachingham? Ah, he must know that Lachingham was Queen Wandrina's
secret lover! But had he blabbed to King Jeffrey? Lieutenant Andydre spoke up bravely in
spite of his youth. "Never!" he shouted out an open casement. "Lord Lachingham is under
the protection of the Russketeers!"
RichieSid half lowered his lids. He had a better plan than a frontal attack on Bud de Ville's
well-fortified chateau. Smiling a cruel and satisfied smile, he and
his men rode back to
totally ruthless. Her only weakness was a strange fear of fields and a tendency to break bones
on bicycle trips. She swept haughtily into RichieSid's chambers, looking strikingly like a
cross between Lana Turner, Faye Dunaway
and Rebecca De Mornay.
RichieSid carefully laid out his dastardly plan before her. He laid out other things before
her, too...strange and wonderful things that can only be spoken of in private. And then he
got dressed again. Lady D'Andrea smiled. The plan was evil. The plan was low. The plan
was disgusting. She loved it! And, best of all, she could have her revenge on Suestance, wife
of Monsieur Egancieux, lover of
Zacktagnon (Oh, no...Bertimus
was not supposed to KNOW that!!! Sorry!), and a June Allyson look-alike.
Lady D'Andrea had been forced for some years to listen to Suestance's musical choices and
was more than ready for substantial Suestancial revenge! The plot was thickening. Probably
too much cornstarch. Or was it flour? Anyway, Lady D'Andrea left RichieSid's chambers,
a spring in her step, a lilt of evil laughter in her heart. (Suestance was just so glad NOT to be
the villain of the piece. She was getting to be
pure, if not virginal, and not in the least vile.)
Meanwhile, back at Lord Bud de Ville's chateau, the Russketeers had gathered in the great
hall. They needed a plan to discover where RichieSid had secreted the Queen. Lord
Lachingham was beside himself with worry. Maxthos made him get back inside himself. Two Lord Lachingham's were too much in a room where all the males looked so strikingly alike already. Handoth volunteered to sneak inside RichieSid's palace to see if he might gather
some clues.
Captain Eastpardieu grinned and said he would see if the Queen were in the barn. As he disappeared out the kitchen door, that unknown CroweWoman who always shadowed him, followed close behind.
"Hay!" she called out.
"You got that right!" he
answered, expectantly.
Handoth rode through the night toward RichieSid's palace. "Damn Lord Lachingham,"
he thought to himself, "the Queen will be MINE!"
Ah, more cornstarch!
And, then......
Part 5: Deb
Meanwhile back at the chateau, Bertimus had found some elixir for curing Colinitis which
Deb happily refused. Deb wondered if there was a way of prolonging this illness which
couldn't have been an illness as she was in bliss. Cortimus and Michele explored the whole
of the chateau looking for something to replace the cardinal's outfit that caused so much distress. Annsmac thought they were taking an awfully long time in doing so and went to go
look for them when Terrthos distracted her with his....well, you know what. Lt. Andydre searched frantically for dishes that needed cleaning.
"Poor guy. He really needs a lady," Colin de Gisbourne said sympathetically then grinned
at Deb.
"Hey! No wandering off into empty rooms. We've got to push off VERY soon," Jo said.
The rest of the party let out a huge "aawwwwwww". And off they went when they came
across a sight so horrible that made Zacktagnon faint this time. "What on earth is THAT?"
Bert asked. As they closed in on to inspect the spectacle.......
Russketeers
6 by Penny
...there stood a cow. She had a sword in her hoof as if to run herself
thru, and a note in her mouth. Jo grabbed the
note. It read: "This cow is my emissary. Queen
Wandrina is being
held in
where she is kept.
We are plotting her rescue but could sure use some help, ya'll." It was
signed...Lord Biebe.
"Ya'll?" Handoth exclaimed. "What does THAT
mean?"
"Well,
Handoth,
The cow twitched.
Maxthos picked the unconscious Zacktagnon up, slung him over his broad strong shoulder,
and said in his rumbling General of the
Armies of the North voice, "To
Calais!!" shouted all the characters as they rushed out to find......
Part 7:annsmac
they rushed out to find...
...that the only way they could get to
damned British coast. "Oh. THAT
in
south
let Michele order the trip
tiks from AAA," annsmac
told Jo.
"Hey, it wasn't my idea to let her navigate on this trip," Jo said.
"No wonder Cortimus seems to get lost so often when they wander around this castle..er...
um... chateau," annsmac replied.
"Okay, so we're going to
Arc asked annsmac and Jo. "Do you think they've seen this year's line fro the spring shows
in
Maximus cleared his throat. His General of the Armies of the North throat-clearing was almost... almost...as magnificent as his General of the Armies of the North voice. "What
was done in the spring shows of
have not yet reached
Jo and Deb of Arc let out deep sighs of relief. annsmac went in search of Terrthos. She
found him out in the courtyard with Handoth. They were saddling 3 horses. "What's up?"
she asked as she approached.
Handoth looked down at himself, but before he could say anything, Terrthos said, "Handoth wants to be the one to rescue Queen Wandrina. He claims a special relationship with the Queen."
"What's with the 3 horses?" annsmac asked.
"Well, luv, I thought you might want to go along for the adventure. If we wait on the others.. well... we'll be waiting on the others. Lord Biebe's bovine emissary told Handoth where to
find the Queen's captive quarters, " Terrthos said. This sounded like a great adventure to annsmac. She got to ride with her Terrthos and his equipment. But she also got to have
Handoth by her side during the only adventure the CroweWomen had ever done in which neither Sue nor Andrea were ever going to be touching him since Grand Authoress Jo had
made them integral to plot elements not having a twittle to do with the great tattooed one.
For Lady D'Andrea was even then serving evil RichieSid as his dastardly agent of
destruction and Suestance had her hands full as the virtuous wife of Monsieur Egancieux
and lover of Zacktagnon. Why, when Bertimus found out, Suestance was as good as gone.
And...as soon as Maxthos got his hands on Lady D'Andrea and her bike....
"Terrthos? Is it of any consequence that Lady D'Andrea's favorite means of transportation
is a bike and Maxthos loves wearing bike shorts?"
Terrthos took in a startled breath and placed an arm on annsmac. "Luv, never....never...
ever... promise me? Promise that you'll never tell Jo? Because Maxthos, as you know from
the first chapter, has a deep, dark secret involving his heritage."
"Terrthos, my love, of course I can keep a confidence," annsmac said. "But what has
Maxthos' bike shorts got to do with his heritage?"
"Well, the affinity for things of bikes is a family trait," Terrthos said.
"Oh, my gosh! You don't mean? Maxthos and Lady D'Andrea? They're related?" annsmac
said, her heart beating fast as what this would mean to the already-cornstarch-thickened
plot.
"It's worse than that, I fear," Terrthos said, shaking his head sadly. And thus begins the
side plot of Maxthos and his mysterious heritage. It is a little tale I like to call "The Tale
of Maxthos and His Mysterious Heritage." And here to tell that tale is...
Part 8 (the
plot thickens to a rich roux): Bert
Bertimus the Bold
something is rotten in
the state of
Bertimus the Wise, being fickle at times and subject to succumb to the charms of any number
of characters, has been keeping her eyes and her wily ways carefully focused on the Thos brothers since the start of this tricky tale. She has now discovered a truth far more pertinent than the sordid affairs of state previously mentioned by other tail-tellers or taletellers, as
you like!
Bertimus the Wise and Bold and Beautiful has come to the profound conclusion of all conclusions, but before we reveal that profundity, we must tell you a few of the clues that
have led her to this revelation!
First of all, Terrthos' previously mentioned...equipment is somehow not quite the same as it
has previously been. Bertimus knows this as she pays close attention to these things -- being
a well-rounded woman of the world and....well, let's leave it at that for now.....
Second of all, Maxthos has not been playing with his nuts (his walnut half shells he uses for strategy planning) in days now -- something that he typically does often during the daily
course of events. In addition, dear Maxthos' booming General of the Armies of the North
has not sounded quite the same recently! Why he even had to cough and clear his throat
during the last episode!
Bertimus the Wise and Bold and Beautiful and All-knowing has also seen things that others
have failed to observe -- those things which have prevented her from paying close attention
to her Zacktagnon and allowing him to make hay with Suestance. Those things which have prevented her from reclaiming the Fair and Good Bud de Ville from the Lady Audrey.
Bertimus has seen The Man in the Camo Mask and knows that HE is the true Maxthos and
the Maxthos who is now with the Peeps and Characters is an impostor! The true Maxthos
was imprisoned by certain vile (no, not Sue the Formerly Vile) persons when it was discovered that he was Aegis Maxthos, the one true Commander of the Armies of the North and General
of the Felix Legion!
Only Bertimus the Wise and Bold and Beautiful and All-knowing and Lusty knows the
location of Aegis Maxthos and she has made it her business to unleash him (she might even unleash hell while she's at it!). But first, she must secret herself and work unceasingly to
devise a foolproof plan to recapture Maxthos in the likely event that she comes upon any
fools during her masterful maneuvering! And she must discover who Terrthos truly is and
what dastardly part he may play in this thickening pot of gumbo!
Before we return you to this twisted, tricky, tongue-tying tale, a warning to all good CroweWomen! Not a word of this to the Boxkeeper or the Grand Authoress Jo or any
other being or creature! If this information is prematurely discovered by the wrong persons,
it could be the guillotine for Aegis Maxthos and Bertimus the Wise and Bold and Beautiful
and All-knowing and Lusty and Sneaky and Scheming.....
So - back to
Part
9 : Jo
And thus begins the side plot of Maxthos and his mysterious heritage. It is a little tale I like
to call "The Tale of Maxthos
and His Mysterious Heritage." And here to tell that tale is…
**********
(Well, having just written this as #8 and feeling a sudden urge to check
posts before hitting send...I found Bertimus had
beaten me to #8...making this #9....and totally warping my
Maxie plot...thanks, keed...BUT I am gonna post it anyway and then tomorrow we can
worry about how it all fits or if it all fits or whatever...as I gotta go to bed now...sigh. This is
what happens when you take BertiBabe's Zacktagnon and make him Sue the formerly
Vile's secret lover....she goes and clones YOUR guy!)
And I had written......
Who...me? Heck, I had Handoth on his way to RichieSid's palace to spy when I was thrown
a loop or two or seven or more. Can I do THAT one first....huh...huh? I have promises to keep
to
Englishwomen. ANYWAY....(can this be a prequel to
the
Handoth, disguised as a pair of shredded curtains, made his way past the sleeping guards
and into RichieSid's palace. He ducked into a room on the upper floor just as Lady
D'Andrea was about to begin her evening bathing ritual. As he watched her disrobe, he felt rather....um...overheated, and noticing a wooden bucket filled with fresh milk, lifted it and
wiped it back and forth across his forehead before taking a long drink. It was then that Lady D'Andrea noticed she had a visitor.
In spite of his striking resemblance to a pair of shredded curtains, she found him irresistibly attractive. He stood there in the golden glow of the candlelight, milk slowly dribbling down
his chin...down his chest...toward his nether regions. She could not help herself. Half-running across the few steps that separated them, she sank her fingernails into his shoulders and
licked the milk dribbles from his chest. If there were anything Handoth loved, it was a good fingernail sinking milk licking. Without taking his tiger-like eyes from her, he slowly dumped the bucket of milk into her empty tub. Instantly a small broom with two arms marched in the door with another bucket of milk...and then another...and another...until the large marble tub was full. Lady D'Andrea scattered some rose petals atop the milk and the two of them settled into the tub for some good....conversation.
It was during this time of
witty repartee that Lady D'Andrea spilled the
beans about Maxthos ....and to
Handoth, of
well, except for the hair color and the accent and a couple of other minor details?
Lady D'Andrea asked, "Have you ever seen Terrthos in black bicycle shorts...and have you
ever seen
Maxthos without them?"
Handoth growled that he didn't notice such things about guys and what did that have to do
with anything anyway?
Milady just smiled a far away smile as she thought back...back...back to the days of Yore.
Yore had been her maiden name. Andrea Yore. She shuddered, remembering. The Yore's
had been poor and she had slept on the floor which made her sore as she listened to Papa
Yore snore till she could stand it no more and had run out the door and earned her living
as a wh___. Ah, HA! You jumped to conclusions, didn't you! Didn't you? She earned her
living as a whortleberry
husker. This had the unpleasant side effect of turning her fingertips bright
blue and always making her look as though she were cold.
One day, when she was not more than 17, as she stood there in five feet of snow husking whortleberry after whortleberry, a young chevalier had ridden by. Taken by her great
beauty, he stopped and stared at her for a long while. "Are you cold?" he asked her softly.
"C...c...cold? Just because I am standing here barefoot, wearing a gauze dress with deep
side slits and spaghetti straps in five feet of snow while I husk a blue bajillion frozen whortleberries....whyever would you ask THAT?"
"Your fingertips have a bluish cast to them," he replied.
She looked sadly down at her bright blue fingers and whispered hoarsely, "If only my
blood were as blue as my fingers...I'd....I'd...." She stopped when the young chevalier nearly
fell off his bicycle at the mention of blood that was blue. She could see the muscles working
in his fine jaw and his nostrils flared with some great emotion. Was this some strange Blue's Clue?
He closed his eyes tightly, shook his head as though to throw off some memory, then held out
a hand to her, saying, "Come," in such a magnificently deep voice that refusal was
unthinkable. She snuggled deeply into his arms as he wrapped his long rusty- colored
wolf-fur-trimmed cape about her lovely form. They rode like this together for day after
day...a veritable Tour de France it was. She vowed that she would never again...never ...ever...again...husk another whortleberry...no... nor any of her kin.
They were married that spring
atop the walls of
floated through the air and baby robins hatched on nearby limbs. Robins...limbs...why did
he feel that held some future portent for him? He would think of that later...but not yet...
not yet.
They had lived happily together
for a good three and a half hours before she had betrayed
him with the mayor's stepson, Arthuronne de
Baptiste. Andrea had never in her life been able
to resist hot cross buns and Arthuronne's buns were not only hot, but had large X's....gotten,
he said, on an excursion to
a Welsh beach.
Maxthos, after barehandedly tearing down the walls on the east and south sides of the city
and 7 or 8 towers and leaving Arthuronne alive but bearing quite a few more X's about his person, rode off across a wheat field on his bike, leaving Andrea with no one but the Count
of Monte
Alexto to comfort
her. And comfort her he did....making her Lady D'Andrea
and plying her with diamonds and peanut butter.
Still, she regretted that she had never gotten Maxthos
to tell her the full story of his heritage. That will come another day.
Meanwhile, back in the present
which is really the past for us but the present for them, the
Russketeers were headed toward
having gotten more information than expected, had rejoined them, determined to be the first
to reach the Queen's side. He grinned wickedly at Maxthos as they raced through the night toward the coast.
Maxthos was still married to Lady
D'Andrea.
"Just give me a moment alone with Jo," he thought," and the Big Guy wouldn't be doing
that General of the Armies of the North stuff in such a superior way
any longer."
Jo, blissfully unaware of Handoth's evil plotting, watched the moonlight shine on the brow
and cheekbones of her beloved as he rode at her side. She knew he would save the Queen.
Suddenly, just as the moon disappeared behind a cloud, a shot rang out.....
Part 10: Jo
and Maxthos crashed
heavily to the ground. Instantly Jo was beside him, cradling his head
in her lap. Terrthos leapt from his horse and crouched beside the two of them, taking
Maxthos' hand in his own. Maxthos was trying to say something but Terrthos whispered hoarsely, "No...don't talk!" In spite of her great anguish of heart, Jo looked at Terrthos curiously. There had been...something...in the way he had said that... something that
indicated a deeper meaning.
Maxthos' breathing was becoming shallower and shallower. "I...must...tell...her..." he
gasped out, gripping Terrthos' hand with all his remaining strength. Terrthos' eyes had a
wild, haunted look in the moonlight. His lips were pressed tightly together, his equipment
limp on the dew-laden grass, unattended in this moment of great crisis. "Do....it, Terrthos
....do it....for ...me....for... her," Maxthos begged.
Terrthos heaved a great sigh and with one smooth motion, pulled the latex mask up and off
the face
of the man lying beside the road to
visage under the perfect mask. This was NOT Maxthos....this was Jay Leno!!! Jay's eyes closed...he was, at last, at peace.
Tears stinging his eyes, Terrthos recounted a sad tale as all the Russketeers gathered about
in silent clusters. "He was my brother," he said simply, "but all his life he secretly wanted
to be Maxthos the Magnificent and, so, he had a young Scottish armorer fashion him this
mask out of new, light-weight material she had discovered on the tourney circuit. He has
worn it the last 15 years...fooling everyone but me into believing he was the true Maxthos.
Even Lady
D'Andrea believed him to be
Maxthos when they married atop the walls of
Jo was stunned. "Maxthos... married to Lady D'Andrea....?" she mumbled.
"No," Terrthos rejoined... "Lady D'Andrea is the widow of Jay Leno...not the true General
of the Armies of the North."
"But....but...HOW did this happen? WHY did this happen?" Jo entreated desperately, trying
to understand.
"It is all the doings of Bertimus the Wise. It is entirely HER fault that you, poor, sweet Jo
are having to deal with this twisted situation."
"But..." Jo continued, "WHY would she cause so much havoc?"
Terrthos looked up at Zacktagnon. "Him...he is the reason why Bertimus perpetrated this
crime which has caused you to bump off poor Leno, all the while believing him to have been
your true
love."
Jo looked over at Zacktagnon, standing furrily there in the night. "What could he have
done that would generate such horrible ire in the heart of one who is called The Wise?"
Terrthos' eyes hardened into steel. "He became the secret lover of Suestance, wife of
Monsieur Egancieux. He corrupted her morals and left her virtue shredded across half the
flax fields of
long
hours making mad passionate love with her in every rose garden in Paris."
"Why, then," Jo asked logically, "does this Bertimus person even want him?"
Terrthos grinned, "She no longer does. He was the fancy of her earlier chapters, but now
that she has become Bertimus the Wise, she has rekindled her passion for Lord Bud the Wiser...wishing, no doubt, to merge their wisdom."
"But, "Jo asked, "is not Lord Bud the Wiser engaged to Lady Audrey Librarianna?"
"He is,
indeed," Terrthos replied, "but such as
Bertimus do not let minor details like that
distract them from their avowed purposes."
Jo turned to look at the prostrate form on the damp grass. My, he had certainly looked
like Maxthos. She gasped. Where was the true
Maxthos? What had happened to him? She grabbed
Terrthos
by his ruffly collar, "Where is my
Maxthos? Where?" she
shouted.
Sadness spread itself over Terrthos' face. "Alas, my dear, no one knows for sure. He was
taken captive and his face sealed into a camo mask so that no one might recognize him."
Jo was torn. Should she continue with the rescue of good Queen Wandrina or go in search
of the Man in the Camo
Mask? They were but a few leagues from
not take long to free the Queen from her imprisonment and then she would be free to go on
the quest her heart was pulling her toward. She stood and declared to the assembled Russketeers. "Our duty is to our country and our Queen! Mount up and let us be quickly
off to
As they
continued their ride over the darkened hills of northern
them, RichieSid and his troops maintained a parallel course. It was RichieSid's own bullet
that had taken down Leno. He, too, had thought he was ridding himself of the fearsome
General of the Armies of the North. But, no, it had been a stand-up comic who had taken
he fall. Blast! He knew Sir David of
Lettermanor would be chortling at this foul development.
Ah...just up ahead loomed the giant cliff with the ancient convent at its highest point.
Mother Amandaifornia had no idea of the true identity of the lady who was locked in the
tower room. And so...
Part 11: Bert
all the CroweWomen and Characters rode on toward the convent....
All except Bertimus the Wise and Bold and Beautiful and All-Knowing and Lusty and
Sneaky and Scheming an...oh to heck with it - you catch my drift!
Bertimus in all her Brilliance (note to self - add Brilliant to list) knows that now that Jay's
true identity has been revealed, it will only be a matter of time before Joimus comes to her senses and rides back to ??? to save the One True Maxthos! As soon as the others are busily rushing to save Queen Wandrina who has been captured and tortured with incessant mowing cows and...er, riding Sir John Deere at least weekly, Bertimus takes off in the opposite
direction with the speed of light!
Bertimus the Everything Above and More rides like the wind through the snow and the
desert and the mountains and the plains making great haste despite the severe wound on
her left shoulder from one of RichieSid's stray bullets! (It's like deja vu all over again!)
Bertimus knows she must free The Man in the Camo Mask before anyone else has a chance
to reach him! In that way, Maxthos will be forever indebted to Bertimus and Bertimus
alone!
Little do Grand Authoress Joimus and the other CroweWomen and Characters or even
the Boxkeeper him/herself know that the Fair and Good Bertimus the Everything Above
Plus is not concerned that Zacktagnon is mucking around with the Lady Suestance or that
Bud d' Wiser is enamored of Lady Audrey of Librarianna.
Bertimus' one true goal is to snag MaxieBaby for herself and escape with him back to Rome where they can make mad passionate.....er, do as the Romans do and be together forever or,
at the very least, for 60 Million Odd Hours in Italy! Bertimus the Etc. lives for the day when
she will watch Maxthos in his beautiful long coat with his beautiful hair and face and bod striding along with more purpose than any lesser mortal can fathom! Ah, but I digress....
Bertimus the Whatever rides and rides on and on while the other Peeps and Characters are
off winging their way to the nunnery to rescue the Queen. As they make their way through
the forest close by the convent, little do they know that RichieSid and his band of purple
gooey guys are hot on their trail! Just as they think they are home - or convent - free.....
Part 12: Deb
Something white and fluffy catches Zacktagnon's
eye. He dismounts from his horse to inspect
it closer when Cortimus and Terrthos quickly get off their horses, rush over and grab him by
the shoulders dragging him back. "What has gotten into both of you??" Zacktagnon asked angrily while shaking off Cortimus' dust and handing it back to him.
"If that's what I think it is, Zack, you'll want to keep a VERY safe distance," Colin de
Gisbourne said with caution heavy in his tone.
Giving him a strange look, Zacktagnon looks over at the white, fluffy rabbit nibbling
innocently on the grass in front of the convent. "I've seen this movie before. The first man
to approach that thing gets in the neck!" Deb of Arc tells all the other peeps in the company.
"Oh sure," Zacktagnon says with a great deal of carelessness in his voice and approaches
the rabbit with a smile. "Aren't you just the cutest thing?" he coos. Suddenly, without a
second thought, the rabbit happily brandishes two massive fangs and lunges at Zack giggling
in its wake.
"I told you so!!! And here we are minus a Holy Hand Grenade," Deb says. As Zacktagnon wrestles on the ground with his tiny, yet well advantaged foe, Colin and Cortimus grab onto
the rabbit firmly and with a few exhaustive yanks Zacktagnon free from his situation.
The Russketeers and their men huddle together realizing they have a genuine problem on
their hands. "Now what do we do? We can't get into the blasted convent with Mr. Nibbles
in the way," annsmac grumbles.
Terrthos' head pokes up from the circle as he hears voices in the distance. "That's not our
only problem," he says. "Are you sure that a Holy Hand Grenade is what we need?" Zack
asks Deb. Nodding, she tells the party that the only place where such a
thing would be found would be in
"Can't we take that thing on? It's so small," Cortimus says.
"With massive fangs? We'll not risk another frontal attack," Colin de Gisbourne informs Cortimus. While the discussion continues with more concern to the rabbit than to Richie-
Sid's fastly
approaching men they decide to.....
Part13 A Diversionary Tale:
annsmac
…do something. Whatever.
Anyhoo. I know,
in my heart, that you don't want to hear about
any silly rescue of Queen Wandrina at this particular moment. So, that will not be the tale
I tell you. Instead, I will divert the story and finish a side plot. Draw round and listen to a
little tale about Maxthos and his mysterious heritage. It is a little tale I like to call "The
Tale of Maxthos and His Mysterious Heritage."
It is a tale I had verily hoped wouldst have been told before anon. In fact, I believed I had
indeed set up Exalted Authoress Jo to tell this intriguing tale. But, alas and alack, she was
too busy servicing the fake Maxthos. (Tee hee. Got the word `servicing' in there, Lady D'Andrea, didn't I? Making up for lost opportunity, am I.)
Never the mind.
Twas a tale that begged to be told.
"Please, Terrthos."
"I want to. Honest. I really do. But… just take one look at my… equipment."
"Terrthos, I'm begging you. Please. These things happen. Just try again."
"Not to me, annsmac. Not to me. Never. It's never happened before. I swear."
annsmac looked down at Terrthos'… equipment. Obviously, he was never going to tell her
the tale of Maxthos until she could reassure him about his… equipment.
"It just needs attending to," she whispered to him in that husky voice he loved. She knew
just the polish to use to make that equipment glisten. "Terrthos? You know how I like being
of service to you. Am I not your faithful equipment-tender extraordinaire? Why don't you
leave your equipment in my hands and then you can just concentrate on the tale?"
At first, his voice belayed his concern for his equipment but soon, Terrthos was well into the
tale.
"Someday, I know I will be reunited with my brother Maxthos. I have the right equipment
to remove the camo mask and restore him to his rightful place on the throne. You see,
Maxthos may not be a blood kin to me, but our hearts share a destiny and we have faced
many things and have many enemies in common and…"
"Terrthos." annsmac sighed. "I know all about your equipment. Just tell me the tale. Please? I'm begging you."
"Right.
Well, then, as you know I was raised in
Thoth was the `Lord of the Secret Words' and, as such, our family has always revered those
who speak the secret words."
He paused. Cleared his throat, looked just a bit embarrassed but when annsmac showed
him how much better his equipment was looking under her attention, he continued. "It came
to pass that one day Max… well, the man you know as Maxthos washed up in a fishing net.
He was speaking words that the people of
brought him to my parents. My father could not understand the words Maxthos spoke and
so he concluded that Maxthos must be speaking the secret words. So he adopted him and
raised him as a son."
Terry laughed and his face reddened. "That's… ah… actually an embarrassing family
secret, annsmac, so please don't tell anyone. But it turns out that they weren't secret words.
No, Maxthos was simply speaking in the Mongolian tongue of the yurt traders who raised
him. We did not find out until many years later that he was the true heir to the throne of Ziemarche, which you know would have placed him in line before King Jeffrey the 15th."
"No!"
annsmac gasped. "Then, Maxthos is truly…
he's the long-lost Ziemarchian heir
Maximussell the 38th? But how did he come to end
up in the sea off
"Twas the Lady D'Andrea's mother. She stole Maxthos from his crib and sent him to
her cousin who sold Max to captivity among the Sect of the Yurt Weaver. It took Max
many years to finally escape from their clutches by disguising himself as seaweed and s
wimming away from their pearl diving boat."
"But why, Terrthos? Why would any woman do such a thing to a small baby?"
"Because…" Terrthos paused for dramatic effect. "Because, she was his mother, Queen Patilicious! She sent him away to save him from assassins sworn to kill the rightful heir."
"No! Wife of King Maximussell the 37th? You know, I always found that story about how
the dingo took her baby to be just a little hard to believe," annsmac said. "Wait. Then that means… Oh, my. That means Max is the brother of Lady D'Andrea, doesn't it?"
"I told you the affinity for bike things runs in the family, didn't I?"
"Terrthos? There's still something that I don't understand. Why is Max hiding behind a
camo mask?"
"Well, annsmac, I would think that would be obvious. My father, who by the way founded
the first Chamber of Commerce, knew that if anyone saw the famous birthmark that marks
the true Maximussell, then he would be killed."
"Your father founded the first Chamber of Commerce? C'mon, Terrthos. Really. How
gullible do you think I am?"
"He did." Terrthos pouted until annsmac stroked his equipment and told him she believed
him if he said it was so.
"Now, why does he have to wear a camo mask? I thought the birthmark was upon his right shoulder blades? That it was in the shape of a stalk of wheat?"
"Well, what most people don't know is that it is a very special mask. It extends from his head
to his waist. My father was very smart. He wanted to take no chances."
annsmac considered this carefully. "But wouldn't a mask like that just attract attention?
And wouldn't that be just what your father wouldn't want – to attract attention to Max?"
"Silly. That's why he founded the Chamber of Commerce. Inside the Chamber is where he
kept
Maxthos safe from those who would kill him as
the rightful heir to the throne of
And, thereby lies the tale of Maxthos and his heritage. Alas, someone had stolen him several years earlier from the first Chamber of Commerce. And Terrthos had sworn to search as
long as it took to find his brother and rescue him.
"We must find Jo and tell her, Terrthos. We must find that Queen Wandrina quickly so we
may begin the rescue of Max," annsmac told him.
Part
14: Jo
Jo felt this urgency tighten in her throat. She had no time to sail for
Holy Handgrenades! She looked at the white bunny, barring their path to the ancient
convent. What to do? Ah! She got on the cell phone she always kept attached to her
scabbard and called Monsieur Fuddeau. Within 30 seconds he had dropped out of the
sky, complete with deerstalker hat and shotgun and,
singing, "Kill the wabbit...kill the
wabbit...." chased the pesky varmint all the way
to
Opening her large saddlebag, she withdrew several dozen monk robes which the Russketeers donned in the darkness. There was a stabbing sensation in the back of her brain that kept going....Bertimus... Bertimus... and, so, she was in no mood for dilly dallying about with this rescue.
Terrthos used his annsmackly restored equipment to hurl a grappling hook over the
battlement. His aim was perfect. Annsmac smiled in the moonlight. She had done her work
well. Jo climbed swiftly up the rope, followed by several dozen Russketeers. They all pulled
their brown hoods forward, shadowing their faces completely.
"It is an old trick I learned from my good friend Robin," Jo explained quietly.
The sound of RichieSid and his troops nearing the convent gave wings to their boots as
they slipped soundlessly into the vaulted corridor. Jo put a finger to her lips, "Shhh!"
she cautioned, then
she gave the finger back to Captain Eastpardieu.
"Wait here!" and she disappeared for a moment behind a heavy oaken door. Kneeling in
prayer beside a small altar was Mother Amandaifornia. "Mother!" Jo called softly, but urgently. Mother Amandaifornia turned and smiled as Jo pushed back her rough brown
hood.
"Jo!" she replied with pleasure. Mother Amandaifornia, you see, was Jo's half-sister,
though it was a closely-guarded secret...kept for the safety of them both. Amandaifornia,
as a young maiden, had loved Monsieur Egancieux, but when he had married Suestance,
she had been so heart-broken she had taken the veil. Suestance, at her wedding, had not
been pleased to find that her veil was missing, let me tell you! But Amandaifornia had used
it to lower herself from the 3rd floor window of her small bedroom and run away to become
a nun at this very convent. Now, through years of service and devotion, she had become the Mother Superior.
The half- sisters greeted one another with a fond hug, then Jo quickly explained her mission
and the urgency with which it must be completed. Amandaifornia was shocked to learn that
the lady imprisoned in the tower chamber was the Queen. She had been told that the lady
had betrayed RichieSid and was being sent in the spring to Mississippius to protect him from her further plotting.
"Yes," Jo explained ,"he does, indeed, plan to ship her off to Mississippius...there to torture
her by
making her tend mowing cows for the remainder of her life."
Amandaifornia gasped, "Not mowing cows! How dreadful!" and with that, she reached to
the large ring of keys she wore attached to her waist rope and handed a large, rusty one to
Jo. "Follow me!" she said, "I know a secret way to the tower chamber."
Soon all the Russketeers and the Mother Superior had arrived at the heavily studded door
to the tower chamber. By then, RichieSid and his troops had broken down the main doorway
to the convent and were racing up the curving staircase. Jo turned the rusty key in the
ancient lock. Nothing happened.
"Stand back!" shouted Terrthos and with one mighty heave of his equipment, battered the
door
completely off its giant hinges. Annsmac's eyes
glowed with pride.
Queen Wandrina was standing by the small window, playing her lute and weeping softly
onto the buttered biscuits that lay uneaten on a small dish beside her. Her red hair hung
in long tendrils down the back of her yellow satin gown.
Lord Lachingham pushed through the crowd of Russketeers, calling, "My love...my dear,
dear love... weep no more! You are this eve quite set free!" And, with that, he took her in
his arms, kissed her soundly, and ate 3 of her biscuits.
There was a clank of swords smacking against the stone walls of the narrow spiral staircase
that led up the tower. RichieSid's men were almost upon them! Was there no way out? Jo
looked out the tower window. It was only 400 feet to the surface of the sea and the rocks
didn't seem all THAT jagged as they jutted above the roiling black water.
"This way!" she shouted, jumping out the window without a moment's hesitation. Maxthos needed her! What cared she for such a leap!
The others, not driven by quite so urgent desires, decided to fight their way down the
stairs. Annsmac called down to Jo as she bobbed far below, "We'll meet you in
Marseiiiiiiilllleeesssss!"
Jo waved in
acknowledgement and set off to swim around France, Spain, and
With each stroke her heart beat out, "I'm coming,
Maxthos! I'm coming!"
Meanwhile,
Bertimus the BadBadBad, had arrived in
arm filled with creepy, crawly white maggots nothing compared to the evil plotting of her
mind. She had once been so lovely and good-hearted. How had she fallen to such levels of unthinkable debauched degradation of soul that she would plot to poach and pilfer the
beloved of Jo's heart? Had Zacktagnon's betrayal wounded her so deeply that she had
lost her mind? Surely no sane CroweWoman would venture into realms so dangerous!
And what of Lord Bud the Wiser? She professed no lingering lust for his person. How
could she so easily let him slip into the paste-covered palms of Lady Audrey Librarianna? Obviously she had flipped her lid and sproinged her sprocket. Was she more to be pitied
than censured? Was Jo feeling in a pitying mood as
she clambered ashore in
after spending a hard night swimming around the
that!
Jo made her sodden way to the home of Patricius, Contessa of Monte Alexto...also known
as Patricius the Vengeful.
Patricius had left
had had her brief dalliance with the Count and taken up residence in a villa overlooking
the
sea in
peanut butter, and Lady
D'Andrea had left him, he came to
He had behaved miserably, but swore it had only been because of the heady fumes wafting
up from the open jars of peanut butter. Patricius had scorned him for many months, taking
into her chambers most of the fine young chevaliers of the city. None, however, could satisfy
her like the Count, and, at last, she had permitted him to come and sit on the floor next to
her chair. She found him greatly changed and totally regretful over his
poor judgment in
the past. Being great of heart, she finally forgave him and he had swooped
her up in his
strong arms, laughed that silly giggle of his she loved so well, smiled that winning smile of
his, rubbed his stubble on her cheek... and all was right again with her world. They spent
the next two weeks in her
chambers playing Who Has the Fedora.
Patricius greeted the sodden Jo with open arms and a change of clothing. Jo told her the
terrible tale of Bertimus the BadBadBad's evil plot to snatch the Man in the Camo Mask
and swoosh him off to Rome, there to
wallow in her lust and watch him stride about in his beautiful long coat
with his beautiful hair and face and bod.
Patricius' face glowered as she listened. She had no generous feelings toward persons who poached in other CroweWomen's dreamworlds. Indeed, someday, sometime, somehow,
Lady D'Andrea would
get what was coming to her!
"I must find the Man in the Camo Mask before Bertimus the BadBadBad does!" Jo
exclaimed. "Where in all
of metroMarseilles do you suggest I should look
first?"
Patricius thought back over all she knew of the twisted tale of Maxthos' birth and cradle snatching. "I would think the bicycle repair shop might offer us some clues," she offered.
And, with that, the two women, accompanied by the Count set off toward that very shop.....where, unbeknownst to them, Bertimus the BadBadBad was even then breaking
in the back window. She knew that, once inside, she would then be able to.....
Part
15: annsmac
…find a bicycle built for two, which she hoped to use to transport Maxthos away with her
to
But, unbeknownst to Bertimus the BadBud, she was walking into a trap.
But we get ahead of ourselves…
"God, but these new boots are great!"
"It's the wings. Someone should have thought of these years ago."
"Isn't it odd that these weren't
at this spring's shows in
imagine that Lord Biebe
and BugPugMom were able to find these beauties
in
they say they're all the rage in the provinces."
"What are you doing?" Terrthos looked at annsmac in her winged boots.
"Um. Nothing. Why?"
"No. You're definitely doing something." He studied her. "Oh, for pity's sake, annsmac.
Why are you painting your winged boots?"
"Well, they clashed with my green dress. You don't want me to wear shoes that don't go
with my dress, do you?"
He rolled his eyes. Twice. She was a pistol, that annsmac, Terrthos knew. Only she would
try to improve on winged boots that had not only helped the Russketeers slip soundlessly
and quickly into the vaulted corridor of the monastery to rescue Queen Wandrina but had
also flown them at the speed of light from Calais to his ancestral home of Marseilles.
"So, Terrthos. What's the plan?" Deb de Arc asked.
"My father's spies have tracked the evil RichieSid's vile operatives to the bicycle repair
shop. My poor brother, the Man in the Camo Mask, is being held under the bicycle repair
shop in a secret underground chamber known as the Vault of InnerTubes," Terrthos told
the Russketeers. "First, we will trap Bertimus the Badimost and then we will rescue my brother."
Terrthos leaned into annsmac and said, "I just hope Jo doesn't take too long getting here.
I'm about to open a Can of Whoopass on Bertimus the BadBud and I really wanted Jo here
to mop her carcass up after I'm done."
Inside the bicycle repair shop, the Russketeers set their trap for Bertimus the BadBud and prepared to mount the rescue of the Man in the Camo Mask from RichieSid's operatives in
the Vault of the InnerTubes.
"Bad to de bone. I'm b-b-b-bad to de bone," sang annsmac under her breath as she placed
the baited trap around the bicycle built for two. Terrthos knew it would be the first bike Bertimus would go for and he was determined to use it as bait to snare her. But knowing
how truly devious and vengeful annsmac could be, he let her design the trap. She had started
out by laying a camo net upon the floor. She had finished by placing a carefully laid out row
of dominoes leading from the bike's kickstand to a jar of peanut butter. All it would take
would be for Bertimus to touch the kickstand. The dominoes would begin falling. They
would bump against the jar of peanut butter that would dislodge the silver spoon carefully placed atop the open jar. As the spoon fell, it would tug down the fishing line that was tied
to the spoon. The taut fishing line would trip the mouse that would be running to get a lick
of the peanut butter. The tripping mouse would squeal in surprise, setting off the sound-activated spotlight that would blind Bertimus the BadBud whose eyes would be adjusted for
the darkest of the dark nights. A blinded Bertimus would stumble backwards and land butt
first in a vat of molasses. The vat, carefully balanced on a single pinhead, would tip over as Bertimus struggled to get out. And as it tipped over, the vat would send Bertimus tumbling
down a long flume covered in green slime. At the end of the flume, Bertimus would fly into another vat. This one would be filled with feathers. Balanced on yet another pinhead, the
vat would topple over. But this time, it would not be an easy ride for Bertimus. For she would
be bumped out onto a conveyor belt and sent through machines that would frizz her hair and paint her toenails the most appalling shade of red, a shade that would match no clothes
Bertimus owned. And looking thus… frizzy headed, feather covered, molasses stinking,
red toed, slimy… Bertimus would finally be delivered for her real punishment.
Which was…
Part 16: Jo
The Wrath of JoKhan!!! And who KNEW what form
THAT might take! General shudder!!
OoooooooooooooooOOooooo! Ever since she had arrived at the seaside
villa of Patricius, Jo
had been murmuring about something best served cold and one did not really think she
meant canned tuna. She had taken to wearing her hair silverish and cut bluntly to the
shoulder. After
having
done the breast stroke completely around the
pecs were in great shape, too. She moved,
panther-like, through the shadowed streets of
would have her vengeance.
Meanwhile, back at the bicycle repair shop, Bertimus had fallen into Annsmac's clever trap...just as expected. She had gone right for the bicycle built for two, intending to use
it to smuggle the Man in the Camo Mask across the French border. BUT...her foul intent
had turned her into a fowl-like creature herself. She sploped off the end of the conveyor
belt sticky, gooed, frizzed, completely feathered, and with those toenails painted that awful
shade of red. She was in, oh NO, the Vault of the InnerTubes and the true Maxthos was
staring at her with an expression of extreme horror plastered on his masked face. Bertimus could not stand that look! She knew it must be that terrible shade of red toenail polish that
had generated it. With a wild shriek, she ran up the stone steps, crashed through the door,
and ran out into the night, waving her arms and leaving a trail of feathers in her wake.
She ran, shrieking, for several blocks....straight into the arms of JoKhan as she rounded
the corner. JoKhan needed to get to the Vault of the InnerTubes, but first she had to deal
with this out-of-control CroweWoman. This moment had been her single thought during
the entire night it had taken her
to swim from
She held Bertimus the BadBadBad by her forearms, feathers sticking out between her
fingers, molasses dripping down her thumbs and onto the cobblestones. Bertimus the BadBadBad trembled in terrible fear of the retribution she knew was about to befall her.
Would she be beheaded on the spot? Would she be locked in some loathsome dungeon for
the rest of her life with only scruffy rats for companionship? She let her head hang limply
in total
dejection. "Do your worst," she sighed in barely a whisper.
Jo stood there, looking at the miserable form of Bertimus. She recalled past adventures
when they had fought common enemies side by side, gleefully rejoicing in the camaraderie
only CroweWomen can know. Bertimus' only sin had been to love the most marvelous man
in the universe. How could Jo fault her for feeling the same feelings that lay within her own heart?
Gently, she led the still- shaking Bertimus back to Patricius' villa where the servants bathed
her in rose-scented water, curled and braided and twirled her hair, and dressed her in soft
white silks. Then Jo opened the white door with the golden filigree trim and sent Bertimus across its threshold. Within was an alternate universe where Bertimus could stay and play
to her heart's content. It was a Tuscan hillside, with poplars and wheat fields and billowing white clouds. Red poppies nodded everywhere. Maximus, in full General of the Armies of
the North regalia, rode up to Bertimus, his seagreen eyes sparkling as he dismounted and
swept her up into his strong arms. He smiled down into her wondering face and used his
own cheek to brush away the lone tear that was trickling down hers. As he carried her
toward the garden, Jo whispered softly after them, "Enjoy!"
Then she turned and went back through the door, running swiftly through the cobbled
streets back to the bicycle shop, through the broken door, and down the stone stairs to
the Vault of the InnerTubes where stood the Man in the Camo Mask. "At LAST!" she
breathed, "at long, long last!" And then...
Part 16:
annsmac
… she realized
she really was last. As in the last one to make it
there. She'd missed all the
action. She'd not been there to witness the assault on the Vault of InnerTubes. She'd not
seen how brave the Russketeers were as they engaged in so many sword fights against the
agents of
RichieSid that there is simply not enough bytes
to describe them all.
And, truly, even
this lowly scribe understands that CroweWomen may love swordfights featuring
the magnificent bodies of the Russketeers, but
what they love even more is Smus…
um, er… no, what they love even more is great romance featuring one or more of the
characters.
So we'll just
skip lightly over the battle because it will be enough for them to know that
the Russketeers kicked the a**
of every
RichieSid
operative. Instead, we'll skip ahead, comforted
in the knowledge that the
battle has been won by the Russketeers.
"No,
Terrthos. Not like that."
"Hey, who has
the equipment here? Trust me when I tell you I know how to use my
equipment."
annsmac
giggled in spite of the seriousness of the situation. "Yeah,
Terrthos,
I definitely can vouch for how well you use your equipment."
"Well, then,
just step back and let me try this again."
She sighed and
touched his arm. Just like a man, she thought, passing up the easy way
because he refused to read the instructions. "Terrthos?
Look, it says right here in the instruction booklet that all we have to do…"
"I don't need
no shtanking
instruction booklet," he growled out, making yet another futile attempt at
the task they were trying to get accomplished.
After he failed
again, he blushed and turned sheepish eyes to
annsmac.
"Ready to hear the instructions?" she asked. He nodded. "Okay then. See the
little zipper by his left ear? Pull
it down. Good. Now, see the snaps over there? No, not those. The ones just under his left shoulder. Yeah, that's right, just undo them. Okay. Great. Now, the next thing is those
teensy little
pearl buttons running down his left side."
"These buttons
are too small. No human hands can work them. This is frustrating,"
Terrthos said, his big fingers unable to gain
purchase on the buttons.
Just then, a
soft voice spoke up and tiny, dainty fingers touched the top pearl button.
"Here.
Let me," Exalted Russketeer Jo said,
easily slipping each tiny button from its binding loop.
"Jo! You made
it," annsmac cried. "What did you do to
Bertimus?"
A saintly smile
played on Jo's lips. "Let's just say that I'm the best and we'll leave it at
that, okay?"
The buttons
undone, annsmac read the next instructions. "Now
slip his left arm out of the
sleeve. Great. Now untie the lashing around his waist. Okay, now this is the trickiest step of
all and if we mess it up, we could
maim him for life."
All the
Russketeers held their breath.
"There's a
hidden zipper that runs from the top of his handsome face, over his sweet
mouth, down his manly neck, along his broad chest and ending at his … well,
it ends … down there," annsmac said, pointing.
"Whoever does this step must be brave of heart and sure of hand.
And I think
either Jo or Terrthos qualifies, so it's up to
you two. Who wants to do it?"
Jo and
Terrthos looked at each other.
Terrthos smiled at Jo and whispered to her, "Go
on,
luv. I think it's only right."
She took a big
breath in, stood on her tippy-toes and deftly
found the zipper's pull hidden
under the secret flap. With dainty but strong fingers, she smoothly dragged the zipper down, inch by inch, until it began to release its prize. She didn't stop until she had undone the
zipper all the way to … down there. And when she finished, the Russketeers let their breath
out.
And the
Camo Mask was open, at last, to reveal The Man
In The Camo Mask.
No surprise at
all that it was Maxthos who stepped from behind
the mask.
No surprise at
all that the first thing he did was sweep his Jo
into an embrace and kiss her
long and deep.
What is a
surprise is the second thing he did. He pushed Jo away from his arms, walked
right
up to Cortimus and punched him.
The
Russketeers looked on in shock as
Cortimus crumpled to the ground.
"Why?
Maxthos?
Why did you do that?" annsmac cried.
Why indeed. Why
would Maxthos punch his fellow
Russketeer? And why was
Cortimus
standing alone? Where was Michele? Was it true she'd taken Mother Amandaifornia's veil
and used it to run away to the Monastery of Real Life? Who would become Cortimus' new
dust
bunny?
These and more
questions will be answered. Soon. We hope. Anon.
Oh, my!
Part 18: Jo
No one had
realized Suestance was even there until she
pushed her way through the crowd
of Russketeers and knelt beside Cortimus, gently replacing the dust on his cheek where Maxthos' fist had removed it.
"There is your
answer," Maxthos said coldly, his hand resting on
the hilt of his short sword. "Cortimus, sworn
dust-exchanger with Michele Le Scriptoria is the secret lover of
Suestance!"
"Hey!" shouted
Zacktagnon, "I thought I was her secret lover!!"
"EEEEEEEK!" came a loud shriek from the back of the room. Every head turned toward
where Queen Wandrina was standing. "EEEEEEEEK!"she repeated, this time just for emphasis. Beside her on the wall of the InnerTube were tacked up sheets of notepaper with strings running in wild web patterns, connecting and reconnecting and zigging and zagging
and going this way and that....and more. Her right hand clutched a large ball of string and
in her left was a packet of tacks.
"I can't do it," she moaned, "I simply cannot DO it!!!"
"Do what, Your Highness?" annsmac asked in some concern.
"Keep up with this darn PLOT!!" the Queen shrieked. "I mean...who is bathing with whom
and who is secretly in love with whom....my mind is completely boggled!!"
Jo nodded her head in a very serious manner. "You are right, good Queen Wandrina. Shall
we simplify?" All in the room nodded their heads in agreement. "OK!" Jo continued brightly. "Well, then, Maxthos is the long-lost true heir to the throne so that makes HIM king," and
she grabbed the crown off Jeffrey and popped it atop Maxthos' shiny black hair.
"Lady D'Andrea is his half sister, and I can prove it...." and, so saying, she flipped up
D'Andrea's skirt to reveal the telltale black bicycle shorts.
"But...but..." stammered Wandrina..."does that make Maxthos a Yore?"
"Nope," Jo smiled.
"He
was not
even in
Yore was not always so faithful to Papa Yore. Indeed, when she was not in the Yore hovel churning butter and mucking out the bedrooms, she lived a whole other secret life as the
wife of King Maximussell the 37th."
Wandrina attempted to put more tacks in her notes and wind more connective strings
between them, but large tears just began to trickle down her cheeks. "I thought...I
thought..."she moaned
softly,
"you...you...said you were...going
to make this simple."
Jo sighed. "I'm trying, my dear QueenPerson, I really am. But when you take into account
all the things that have been written...well, one just has to
deal with it as best one can.....you know?"
Then Jo continued, "After Maxthos was stolen as a baby and then finally escaped from the
Yurt Weavers and came to Marseilles and was adopted by the Thos family, Terrthos'
father made the long mask to hide the secret birthmark of the stalk of wheat to protect
Maxthos'
identity....but
that must mean I will soon be Queen...and you, dear Wandrina, are freed from all your
duties of state and can either become Lady Lachlingham or Madame Handoth. Michele has
left for the far side of the real world, Suestance has claimed Cortimus, annsmac is still
caring for Terrthos' equipment, Lady D'Andrea is the half-sister of the King...so I guess
that makes her a princess...BugPug and Biebe are bonded...Bertimus will shortly be out of
that alternate universe and may have some quarrel with Lady Audrey Librarianna or a
score to settle with Zacktagnon...one never knows...Deb of Arc and Colin de Gisbourne
are happy...Patricius is reunited with the Count of Alexto..."
Wandrina sank completely to the floor and started fluffing puffs of dirt up over her red
hair.
"Er...Jo..."came
a familiar voice. "I really think it is time."
Jo knew the Boxkeeper was right. "But can we just do something simple for a bit," she
asked. "Maybe just a nice, quiet forest scene...you know, with a beautiful stream, and maybe
a deer or
two...a few bunnies
here and there...no castles or convents or
Vaults of the
Inner-Tube? Could we do that?"
The Boxkeeper chuckled, "My good pleasure!" and everyone flopped to the left and then
flopped to the right...and, sure enough, there they all were...smack dab in a nice forest with really big trees and a beautiful stream and a deer or two and bunnies here and there. They
all smiled. How nice! How quiet!
How peaceful!
But what WAS that odd sound?.....
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