By Layne and Jo

(Layne writing Hannah, Jo writing Ben)

Chapter Twenty-seven:

Jed Lawson woke with a start.  A door had closed loudly in another room down the hall.  It was completely dark outside.  Pulling out his pocket watch, he saw that it was a little past 10 pm. 

He supposed it was too late to get anything to eat around here tonight.  He'd make do with the jerky and hard tack that he had in his saddlebag.  He poured some water into the bowl on the dresser and washed his face and neck.  Felt a little more awake. 

He hadn't realized he was so exhausted.  It was too late now to go roaming around asking about Wade and Hannah.  He'd have to wait until morning.

He sat in a chair looking out the window as he ate, wondering where they were right now.  Did Wade still have Hannah with him, or had he ditched her somewhere?  Left her to look out for herself in a strange place?

Hopefully, he'd find her shortly, Lawson thought.  He'd convince her to go back to Green Valley with him.  Take up her normal life.  A woman like Hannah McLaren should be practicing her medicine.  Getting married and having babies.  He hoped he could persuade her to do all of that.

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Waking the next morning, Hannah smiled at Benjamin, still asleep in the bed next to her.  They'd arrived back at their room sometime after ten last night.  Before the door had even closed, he had swept her up in his arms to kiss her.  Had ended up leaning back against the

door to close it, and she remembered the loud bang it had made.

"Benjamin!" she'd gasped at him.  "You're going to wake everyone else in this place!"

He'd chuckled and told her everyone else was still downstairs drinking.  It had been a beautiful night.  She blushed slightly as she remembered it.  Rising from the bed, she found her clothes where he had dropped them last night as he removed them.

Sleepily, Ben opened his eyes a slit, then when he saw a nude Hannah bending to pick up her clothes, he opened them all the way, watching silently as she dressed.  "I got them clothes off

you a lot faster'n you're gettin' 'em back on," he said, lazily stretching his arms. "Liked 'em
better on the floor, too."

As she fastened the last few buttons on her dress, Hannah looked over to where he relaxed back against the pillows, his hands folded behind his head.  She smiled teasingly at him.

"Well-  if you think they look better on the floor, I can put them back down there for you."

"I like to put 'em there myself," he grinned, "an' I intend to do just that in a bit, but right now

I got me a hunger for some eggs 'n bacon. Gotta keep my strength up, you know."  He chuckled and got out of bed, absently rubbing the scar on his left side.

"What you need is more rest," Hanna told him laughingly.  "You should probably stay OUT of bed more often.  Do I need to order you to do that as your doctor?"

Her eyes caught him rubbing the scar.  She ran her fingers over it lightly, her face clouding. 

"Is it bothering you?" she asked.  "I'll never forgive myself for doing that to you."

"Bone aches a bit from time to time. Nothin' to get in a fuss over.  Nothin' needs forgivin', neither.  Was my doin', the whole thing. You got to get that through your head. You was just a passenger. Nothin' you done was wrong."  He lifted her fingers from his side, kissing them.

Hannah ran her fingers over his lips.  "It's wrong for a doctor to injure another person.  To

try to take a life, instead of saving it."

She looked at him curiously.  "How old were you Benjamin, the first time you killed someone?"  They hadn't spoken of that part of his life, but Hannah had thought about it.  It was still difficult for her to reconcile the man who treated her so tenderly and lovingly with the man who killed.

"Twelve."

"Oh, Benjamin-!"  That brought tears to her eyes and her hand stroked his cheek softly.  "How did you-?  Why?"

"Hannah, I ain't never told nobody none of this. Never thought I would, neither. But you keep askin' me things I ain't never been asked before an' I keep answerin' 'em.  I ain't even sure why. Maybe just 'cause it's you doin' the askin'.  Lemme get myself dressed first before I go an' lay my innards all naked."  He stood up, pulled on his clothes, buttoned his vest but left his coat hanging over the chair back.

"I don't know why you wanna hear any of this, Hannah. I ain't got nothin' purty in my past.

Not one thing. Maybe, though, you know some of it, might help you make up your mind what

you wanna do 'bout things."  He sighed heavily, sitting back down on the side of the bed.

"First man I killed was in Fallon, bit east of Carson City.  I already been four years on my own an' I'd got myself this ol' dog." An affectionate smile crossed his face at the memory. "Nothin' but a mutt. Had hisself no home an' he and I, well, we kinda hooked up, traveled together. Came into Fallon just as it was gettin' dark and Moose, that's what I called him 'cause he was big an' brown, he decided he didn't like the man ran the stable where we was tryin' to find us a place to sleep for the night.  Man grabbed me, threw me out into the alley and Moose went for him, got hisself killed for his trouble.  That there man, his was the first life I ever took. Pitchfork."

Hannah was gazing at him sympathetically.  It was very difficult for him to talk about all this, she could tell.  To relive it, as he was doing by telling her.  But she wanted to understand him, and the answers she was looking for had to lie in his past.

She was transfixed by his story, by the look on his face as he told it.  And she needed to know more.  "I'm sorry, Benjamin," she said quietly.  "But-  how had you been living up until that time?  On your own since you were eight years old?  What did you eat?  Where did you sleep?"

"I slept where I could, Hannah.  Walked a lot, got me some rides on a few wagons here n' there.  Sometimes somebody'd let me do some chores for 'em, let me sleep in the barn, give me some cornbread 'n beans.  Other times I just took what I needed.  Moose, he and me kept each other warm at night. I missed that ol' dog when he was gone. Missed him somethin' fierce."

She could picture that twelve-year-old boy.  Alone, hungry, cold, lonely.  And his dog, the only companion he had, being killed.  She thought she might have killed the man who'd killed that dog herself.

Hannah wrapped her arms around Benjamin and held him.  Wanting so much to hold that little boy, to comfort him.  To take away the bad things that had happened to him.  Her throat hurt and there were tears in her eyes.  She couldn't speak.

"It's all right, Hannah.  That's just the way things was.  Ain't  worth no tears.  Ever'body's gotta grow up somehow.  That was just my how.  Coulda been better. Coulda been worse.  Was the hand I was dealt and I played it.  Don't never need nobody's tears over it."

Somehow sensing that her tears embarrassed him, Hannah silently vowed to herself right then and there that, as long as she was with him, Benjamin would never be alone or lonely, cold or hungry again.  Wiping her eyes, she looked up at him.  She wanted to ask him other things,

but now was not the time.  Right now...

Giving him a smile, she took his hand.  "Let's go get those eggs and bacon you were talking about earlier." 

"Now that there is one great idea!"  Quickly, he slid on his coat, buckled on his rig, then opened the door.

As they ate, Hannah watched Benjamin's face with a contented look on her own.  He was opening up to her, telling her more about his life.  And it had been such a hard life. 

She found herself thinking that no wonder he had done the things he'd done.  He'd been alone since he was a mere child.  No parents to care for him.  No way for a child to make a living other than to take what he needed.  No one had ever given him anything.  He'd continued taking all

his adult life because that was what he knew.

She was a doctor.  She treated patients, gave them medicine for their pain.  But this pain of Benjamin's was not physical.  It was a hidden pain.  A pain that had been with him all his life.  One for which there was no pill, no medicine, no herbal tea that would make him feel better. 

I have wounded and I will heal.  Unlike the bullet injury to his side, she hadn't caused this pain, this deep wound that he carried.  But would he allow her to treat him for it?  The medicine was love, but would he take it?  Or, like the child he had been when his mama had left him, would he find the taste too bitter and spit it out?

Ben smiled, enjoying his breakfast.  Hannah had gone and got him remembering things and one of those was how many days growing up he hadn't had a thing for his morning meal.  He also remembered how he'd told himself that if he did have a good breakfast, he'd never take it for granted.  Sometimes now he did forget, did just eat bounty when he had it and not think of waking up in the hay somewhere with his ribs rubbing against each other and no help for it. 

The bacon Miguela cooked was crisp and thick, tasty as heaven on his tongue, and he was filled with a sudden appreciation for it, for the mere fact of it.  He made a low mmmmm of pleasure.

"Guess I don't need to ask if you're enjoying your food," Hannah teased.  She put a forkful of eggs in her mouth.  They were good.  She wondered, though, if it had more to do with the company than the food itself.

"You know, Benjamin," she said thoughtfully, "we may have more in common than you think."

"You a train robber an' ain't got 'round to tellin' me yet?"

Hannah laughed so hard she nearly spit out her food.  Wiping her mouth with her napkin, she tried to be serious again.  "No.  But I am something of an 'outlaw' back in New York.  Society doesn't approve of me.  I did something very few women have done.  Something the people back there don't think I should be doing.  You keep calling me a lady, but back there, they consider me on the same level with a prostitute.  I'm an outsider in my own city, in my own home.  My mother and my sisters don't consider me a lady, either."

"You ain't in New York, Hannah, an' out here I consider you a lady an' that's what counts. For me, that's what counts."  He reached across the table and lay his hand atop hers.

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As Benjamin and Hannah talked and laughed over their breakfast, Jed Lawson was slowly waking from sleep.  After eating late the previous night, he had once again slept.  When he opened his eyes to the morning sun coming in the dirty window of his room, he at last felt as though he'd gotten some rest.

He rose from the bed, washed his face and combed his hair.  He'd go down and see about getting some breakfast, then start asking around about Wade and Hannah.  When he went downstairs, he was in for a shock.  At a table near the window, he saw the doctor.  Her back was to him, but Wade was facing him.  Lawson saw the man reach across the table and put his hand on top of Hannah's.  It was an intimate gesture.  Then, Wade's eyes found Jed on the stairs.

Ben's fingers gripped Hannah's more tightly and his face hardened as he carefully watched the sheriff from Green Valley approach. Pulling his hand back now, he let it slide off the table, resting on his right hip. "Mornin', Sheriff. You lost?"

Hannah had seen the look in Benjamin's eyes and turned quickly.  "Jed!"

"Doctor McLaren."  Lawson nodded at her.

"No, Wade.  I'm not lost."  Jed Lawson was careful to keep his hand away from his gun.  He didn't want any innocent bystanders getting hurt.  Or Hannah.  "It's you two who've been lost.  Seems I've finally found you."

"Shoot her in the back an' then come lookin' to see your handiwork?"

"Shoot her in the-!"  Jed looked quickly over to Hannah, panic in his eyes.  "Are you all right, Hannah?"

"I'm fine."  She met his gaze.  "Benjamin took good care of me."

"You or your man shot her up purty good, Sheriff, but I done got it out...right there in the desert, in the night." His eyes said very plainly, You bastard! You almost killed her.

Lawson saw the anger in Wade's eyes, but his concentration was on Hannah.  "It was one of my deputies that shot you, Hannah.  He saw the two of you riding out of town.  If I'd been there, I would have ordered him not to shoot."

"I believe you, Jed," she told him softly.  "But if it hadn't been for Benjamin, I would have died."

"If you hadn't busted Wade out of jail-"  He trailed off.

"So why you here, Sheriff," Ben asked, "here...in Mexico?"

Lawson spoke his words to Wade, but his eyes were on the doctor.  "I've been looking for you. 

I need to talk to Hannah.  Alone, if she'll let me."

"Afraid not, Sheriff.  If she wants to talk with you, you can sit at that table over there. You

ain't goin' nowhere with her outta my sight."  He turned his eyes toward Hannah. "You want

to talk with him, little one?"  Ben wasn't sure why he was agreeing to even that much. Maybe it was because he wasn't sure of a whole lot right now.

Lawson was both annoyed and surprised.  Annoyed because he really wanted to speak with Hannah alone, not right here with the eyes of Wade and half-a-dozen others on them. Surprised because Wade seemed very protective of the doctor.  The Ben Wade he'd heard so much about cared nothing for anyone but himself.  He'd even been known to shoot his own men if they got

in the way during a robbery.  And here he was, refusing to let Hannah out of his sight.  And Lawson hadn't missed the fact that he called her 'little one' either.

Hannah rose from her chair slowly.  "I'll talk to him, Benjamin." On her way to the other table, she looked back at him.  "You'll be right here?"

"I ain't goin' nowhere." His voice was a low growl.

Jed Lawson took Hannah's elbow and led her to the table that was only a short distance from the one where she'd been sitting with Wade.  Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Wade's scowl when he touched her.  He pulled out a chair for her and, when she was seated, took a

chair across from her.

Painfully aware of the other people in the room, he leaned over the table and spoke in a low voice.   "Are you all right, Dr. McLaren?  Uh-  Hannah?"

"I'm fine, Jed."  Hannah spoke low as well.  "I told you.  Benjamin took good care of me."

Lawson's face had an incredulous look.  "Hannah, the man's an outlaw, for God's sake!  A thief and a murderer!  You don't know what you're doing!"

"Yes, I do," she told him steadily. 

Meeting his eyes, she went on.  "I know that's what you see when you look at him, but-  There's more to him than that, Jed.  Much more.  I see an entirely different man when there's no one

but the two of us."  She looked over at Benjamin and smiled.

Ben smiled back then, catching Lawson's eyes, dipped his head, smiling all the while.

Lawson just looked at her.  Hannah McLaren was a smart woman.  He couldn't believe he was hearing this from her.  "You've been to his bed, haven't you, Hannah?"

Blushing, she dropped her eyes.  "Jed, a lot of people may not consider me a lady, but I'm enough of a lady not to talk about something like that!"

Lawson sat back.  She didn't need to tell him.  Her blush and the look in her eyes told him enough. 

Leaning forward in his chair again, he told her, "Hannah, I've come to take you back to Green Valley."

At her quick look, he went on, "Not to jail.  I've come to tell you-  Jim, the deputy who was there with me when you and Wade--left.  Jim's dead.  Shot by a man in a bar.  He and I were the only two witnesses, the only ones who knew what happened."

He could see her puzzled look.  "It's simple, Hannah.  You come back.  Be our doctor again.  I won't say a word to anyone about what happened.  We can tell everyone Wade took you hostage, so he could escape.  You can go back to your old life, Hannah.  Not be wanted by the law.  Not

be on the run.  Not be living like this.  With a man like that."  He looked toward Wade again.

Hannah had no idea what to say.  She could go back to Green Valley?  Be a doctor again?  But without-?  She glanced over at Benjamin.  His eyes hadn't moved from her and Lawson.  He

was smiling at her.  Her heart skipped a beat.

"Jed, I couldn't possibly-"

"Let me finish, Hannah," Lawson went on.

"I've always liked you.  You know that."  His blue eyes were fixed firmly on hers.  "I'm-  I'm hoping to court you one of these days."  His voice was still low.  "But, whether you'll allow me

to do that or not, the offer still stands.  You can come back to town with me.  Take up where you left off.  No conditions."

Hannah sat back, her eyes disbelieving.  Jed Lawson wanted to-?  But Benjamin-?  She pictured herself back in her office.  It had been a comfortable life there.  But to be without Benjamin? 

To never see him again?  She was sure she couldn't possibly do that.  He had come to mean everything to her.

She had no idea what kind of life they could lead together.  Or where they could go.  Where they could live.  And did he want her?  And for how long?  She realized that he'd never even spoken about their making a life together.  Had never even said that he loved her, though she'd told him several times how she felt.

During the past days, Hannah had just begun to come to terms with the fact that she could be put in jail if she went back across the border.  That she could no longer live in her own country without fear of being arrested.  She had wondered how Benjamin had lived that kind of life for so many years.  Always looking over his shoulder.  Always on the run.  She'd wondered how she would live with that.

And now, here was Jed Lawson telling her she didn't have to live that way.  That she could be free to return to what she loved most--practicing medicine.  But-  Hannah looked over at Benjamin again.  Was medicine still what she loved most?  Her mind whirling, she returned her gaze to Lawson.  "Jed, I-"

He held up his hand.  "You don't have to answer me now, Hannah."  His eyes on her were doubtful, hopeful, and affectionate.  "I'm staying until tomorrow morning.  After that, I got to

be gettin' back to Green Valley."  His look was steady.  "I hope you'll be comin' with me.  You take until then to make up your mind."

Lawson rose from the table, walked side by side with Hannah back to the table where Ben Wade watched them impatiently.  Stopping a few feet from it, he said to Ben, "I've offered Hannah the chance to come back with me.  I wouldn't charge her with nothin'.  She could come back and

live a decent life again."

Hat in hand, he met Wade's eyes.  "She's a doctor.  And a lady.  She shouldn't have to be living like this.  She's got until tomorrow to decide.  You really care anythin' about her, Wade, you'll tell her she should go."

Giving Hannah a last look, Lawson put on his hat and walked out the door.  Looking dazed, Hannah sat back down at the table.

Ben sat silently, rubbing his thumb pad around and around the rim of his glass, his eyes utterly intent on Hannah's face. What Lawson had said was not something he'd ever expected.  He stared at her so intently he didn't even blink, his lips pressed tightly together. Damn the sheriff, but he was talking sense and Hannah's expression clearly said she was shocked by the proposition, was trying to process it for herself. Ben was, too.

Yes, he cared about her. It was true. He'd let himself care more about her than he'd even

known he could. He'd grudged that caring, tried to keep it in some corner so it didn't become too important, but there it was. He cared. He'd been trying not to think too much about just

how much he did, how he liked having her with him. She loved him. He knew that. Even if she hadn't said it, he'd know that.  But she had, and he'd let her love him. But now she was being offered nothing less than a restoration of her life, of everything she'd worked for, of a chance

to live decent and not be hampered by where she could go, what she could do.

His lips parted and he sucked in a deep breath. "Hannah...."

Hannah saw the look in his eyes and the way his lips were closed so tightly together they were almost white.  It frightened her.  Would he tell her to leave now?  That he no longer wanted

her?  Unable to speak, she merely looked at him, waiting.

"You should take it, little one. Take the Sheriff's offer an' don't look back.  Man's offered you somethin' I never could. You know that. He's offered you your life back." He felt some sort of sharp twinge inside himself and did the barest grimace before he continued, "I done took your life from you.  He's tryin' to hand it back.  He...."  Ben looked down at the table briefly, then back at her.  "He's a good man. I ain't."

All he talked about was what Jed Lawson had offered her.  But was Benjamin himself offering her anything at all?  He'd said nothing about that.  So, she took a deep breath.

"And what about you, Benjamin?  You haven't said anything about what you want?  Do you-?  Do you want a life with me?  Any life at all?  She was being too forward.  She knew she was. 

But she had to ask.  Because-if he didn't want her....

Ben knew all he had to say was yes he did and she'd stay with him.  But she wanted some sort

of commitment from him. He'd never committed himself to any woman, ever. Did he want to start now?  If he said no, she'd leave, she'd go with the sheriff back to Green Valley. He knew that, too.  He felt like he was in a strange kind of face-off, but with no guns, and he wasn't too happy about it.  The decision could be made for her here and now.  For her to go was
probably the best thing for her, the safest, most comfortable, reasonable thing.  Still playing absently with his glass, he pondered saying that, saying what would be the right thing to say.

But then he thought about going to bed tonight and her not there, of walking down the street and her not on his arm.

So he answered her question, "Hannah, I like bein' with you, like talkin' to you, eatin' with

you, sleepin' with you. There ain't no gettin' 'round the fact of that. But you gotta know I ain't no kind of marryin' man. I ain't never once thought about that. So if that's what you're lookin' for, you ain't gonna find it with me.  I'm tryin' to be honest with you here so I can't just tell

you what you wanna hear. It ain't like that with me.  Do I want you? I do. That's the plain truth of it.  I been happy havin' you 'round but you know and I know that bein' 'round me ain't the best thing for you.  I should just up an' tell you again to go with the man. If I was decent I'd do that.  But I ain't decent. I am what I am an' you've had yourself time to come to know that. You know life with me would be hard, not even knowin' where you was goin' to lay your head some nights.  Should I tell you to go find yourself some soft bed in Green Valley?  We both know I should. But I ain't.  I ain't tellin' you to go and I ain't tellin' you to stay.  You gotta decide this for yourself, Hannah. I'd be glad if you stayed, but I'll live if you go."  He moved his hand from the glass to his chin, rubbing it a couple of times. "I'm sorry, little one, but now you got it all

laid right out here on the table just how decent I ain't."

His eyes left her, going to the door.  "Lawson's waitin' for you outside on the boardwalk.  He can give  you back your regular life an' I can tell he's fond of you.  If that's what you want, you go on out that door."  Ben pushed back his chair and stood.  "Me? I'm goin' back up to our room.  It won't be locked."  He walked around behind her, bending and kissing the top of her head lightly, his hand just barely touching her shoulder, then without looking back, he went
up the stairs.