What happens when a character you have created won’t leave you alone?

I knew he wanted to talk to me.  I’m not sure why but I invited him into my computer room and he took a seat in the one comfortable chair next to the window seat. Now that he was here I could see he was nervous. His hands gave him away, constantly in motion…in his hair, touching his watch. Finally he asked if he could smoke. I told him he could and cracked the window beside him.

“What is it you wanted to see me about?” I asked.

He smiled a little, adjusting his sleeve. “I am not sure now. I did want to see you.”

“Something to do with the last story I wrote?”

“Yes and…no.”

“Now that’s not an answer, David.”

“You call me David?”

“Would you prefer Blaine?”

“It does not matter.”

“Something matters or you wouldn’t be here. Something matters very much because you have awakened me two nights in a row. Did I not get it right?”

“You slept last night?”

“Well, yes, out of pure exhaustion. Talk to me.”

“It is not easy because you are my creator. You are my mother, my father and sometimes my lover.”

“Not a good combo, love.”

“Nevertheless, it is true. I think,” he paused as if he were searching for words, “you have tied me up too many times. Some terrible things have happened to me and yet at the end everyone is happy and goes about their lives. It is not that way. It is not that easy.”

“What have I not said?”

“My body is scarred. Here, you can see my hand but inside are many scars that are not visible.”

“I’m aware of that and I think I have said so in probably too many words. I am aware of what’s inside you. What do you mean I’ve tied you up too many times?”

“You have always given me a mate.”

“You wanted one. You wanted Renee and now you’ve got him.”

“I know.”

“What is it you’re trying to say to me…you don’t want him now?”

“No, no, I do want  him. It has cost me much to get where I am.”

“Are you referring to Billy?”

“Maybe…”

“Mandy?”

“She is a disappointment to me. She deserted her baby. I cannot forgive her for that. Why did you do that?”

“It was the only way she could go on. She had him out of love for you and when that love was denied there seemed no purpose in keeping the baby. She was single again and young enough to make a new life for herself and that life couldn’t include an infant. She’s just not made that way. That was a mistake you made with her.”

“Yes…I know.”

“You have Willy and you wanted him. You wanted Billy’s baby.”

“He will grow up in a family of men…without a mother.”

“Is that a problem? Do I need to bring in another woman?”

“Not for me. I am through with them.”

“You say that now but you do have desires, Blaine. Talk to me about Charlie.”

He’s quiet for a moment.” She was my wife in every sense of the word. I respected her and loved her and did not honor her as I should have. I know what mistakes I made. Ali was too much for me. I gave myself to him instead of Charlie. Her death came as a shock and one I have never really gotten over. I did love her.”

“I believe you did. Was it the same with Mandy?”  When Ali told Charlie that Blaine was straight as an arrow in answer to her question if he was bisexual, it wasn’t true. Blaine is essentially a gay man. He may have feelings for women and even love but that is not where his heart lies and that’s something he’s come to realize. It’s what’s caused the break-up with Mandy. It’s painful for him.

“No, it was not the same. Which is not to say I did not love her, for I did, but she was not the same to me as Charlie.”

“Charlie was the first woman you’d ever loved.”

“Yes, and when I was with Mandy I said she was the only woman I could love and it was so.”

“And now you have sworn off women?”

“I have made a commitment to Renee. It is as much as a marriage vow.”

“Yes, and I know how you kept those.”

He looked at me darkly for a moment and took a draw from the cigarette.

“It doesn’t matter whether it’s a woman or a man…a vow is a vow. Are you incapable of fidelity? Are you already thinking of cheating on Renee?”

A spark of anger lit his eyes. “Do not ask me such things. It is not true what you think.”

“Oh…then I’ve hit on it, haven’t I? I was going to leave you alone for awhile and let you settle after the break-up. I think you were wise to not jump from one household to another. You need the time, Blaine. I know this hasn’t been easy on you. The meeting with Billy took its toll, didn’t it?”

“Yes, it did. I did not just walk away as you wrote it. You did not say what happened to me or to him.”

“I think the readers could well imagine. I don’t have to put everything in black and white print. I know you were upset but you handled yourself well in his presence. What happened later can be described in another story. I’m just not ready to write it yet.”

“Not everything has a happy ending but you try to make it so.”

“There was nothing happy about your meeting with Billy. I did it for his sake because he needed to see you and talk to you. He was in a bad way, Blaine. You needed it, too.”

He looks away out of the window. It’s cloudy today and February trees are still leafless. “I miss him.”

“I’m sorry, Blaine, but he would not be compatible with Renee. You know that.  I see you now spending some much needed time with your children. Despite all your resolve not to neglect Lyssa, you are away too much of the time. This past year you spent little time with her.”

“This past year has been a nightmare.”

“But it’s over now…it’s all over. It is possible for you to be happy. You have an opportunity ahead of you to finally give yourself to someone, and I mean all of you, as you did to Ali. Are you afraid?”

“People who love me do not fare well under your pen so, yes, I am afraid.”

“You are capable of many things, Blaine, and one of them is pure unadulterated love and joy. It’s time you experienced some of that again.”

He has a haunted look in his eyes. There is still much pain there. Some of it he will never get over though I’ve tried to distract him. He looks down so that I cannot see what’s behind that sea green window.

“It is time…time for me to take charge of my life…to stand alone unattended. I want to walk without so much pain. I want to regain use of my left hand. I will no longer have Billy to ease the pain in my back. I have found my feet but I have yet to find my strength.”

“It’s there inside you. That inner strength that pulls you through some of the most difficult and trying times…it’s there.  As for your pain, I am sorry you suffer so. I will try and do something about that. Therapy will help your hand, as you already know. You’re on the right track. Don’t be afraid. I care too much for you to harm your loved ones and you and Renee have yet to discover each other.”

“When you do take up the pen or keyboard again, let me write it as I see it. I think you gloss over my emotions and thoughts sometimes. I am not complaining.”

“Much,” I grinned.

He smiled, “Not so much. I will leave you alone. I am sorry to have disrupted your sleep.”

“I didn’t mind it…really. Come and see me again…anytime.”

He gathered his canes and stood up. A soft brush of his lips across mine. “I will. Good-bye.”

He is a very strong character. If it were not so he wouldn’t have paid me this visit. I created him flawed and he knows it. He wants to try and overcome some of his flaws. I don’t know that will be possible but as he wants to write…I may let him.

He always says he’s not like other people but I think he is more so than he knows. It is he who sets himself apart out of his fear of rejection. You can see, can’t you, that he still is not a happy man? I wonder will he always be searching for something else? Does he need that much love and assurance?

A strange visitor this morning but not an unwelcomed one.

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