RIDLEY'S WAR

By Atonia Walpole

Part 1

Rain, it subdues the senses. At least I think it does or surely I wouldn’t have been witness to what I witnessed today? That is, if it really happened. I’m still not sure in my mind whether I was cold sober tripping or…or what. Let me tell you how it started.

I woke up to the sound of rain hitting against my window. Bleary-eyed, I approached the window and pulled back the blackout drapes I’d hung a week before. Everything I could see from my fifth floor apartment window was blurred and in various shades of gray. Even the red and white sign on the building across the street was grayed.

I pulled myself together and went out foraging for food. I don’t keep food in my apartment. It tends to draw the bugs from next door. Better to leave them where they are well set up.  I had on my old parka with the hood up and when I left the little café where I frequently breakfast I took a cup of coffee to go. I fancied a walk in the rain and headed for the park. I only saw two umbrellas making their way across the center walkway. The place was, for all accounts, deserted. Fallen leaves made sticky by the rain were attaching themselves to everything. I picked a russet red maple leaf from my sleeve and held it out for the wind to take it. That’s when I first saw him.

He was soaked to the skin. Leaves and other debris had accumulated on his legs and shoes. He was standing by the fountain, singing in the rain. And, no, he was not doing a Gene Kelly imitation. I moved closer to hear what he was singing. “Just give me one good year, get my feet back on the ground…”

I looked around in case I’d missed something but there were no cameras that I could see to capture his performance. He abruptly stopped and pulled a cell phone from his sodden pocket and began speaking to someone. He glanced in my direction and I sheepishly looked down at my rapidly cooling latte. I had been staring at him.

He folded his phone and walked toward me. “You, there. Just the one I’ve been looking for.”

“Sorry?” I answered.

“Come with me.” He put a hand on my arm and guided me further into the park.

To say I fell down a rabbit hole is putting it mildly.

I knew we were walking toward the lake where fog lay like a cotton wool blanket over the surface. I could hear voices in the fog and they got louder and more distinct as we neared.

“Who are you?” I managed to ask my escort for he was without a doubt escorting me somewhere.

“Max Skinner,” he replied absently as we stopped. “Now where the devil?” He looked around. A man in a green parka walked up. He looked vaguely familiar. He was a little taller than me, reddish graying hair.

“Ah, thank you, Max, well done. This way, Miss.” He grabbed my elbow and once again I’m being escorted deeper into the fog. “I’m, ah, Scott, by the way, Ridley Scott.”

I stumbled and then remembered to close my mouth. Of course I knew who he was, one of the greatest directors of our generation. And Max Skinner, one of his….but wait a minute.

“About here, I think.” Ridley smiled a little and then looked toward some far off point invisible to me. He positioned me next to a tree and then stepped into the fog.

A man stepped up beside me wearing a windbreaker and glasses. “Don’t you worry about a thing, little lady. You’re with the good guys and this time we’re gonna win. Oh, Ed Hoffman is my name.” He crossed his arms and said something into a speaker dangling from his ear. “Of course, ain’t nobody innocent here, nobody.” He raised a brow at me.

“Well, maybe I am, at least until proven guilty.”

“Whatcha got there?” He indicated my cup.

“It was a latte, probably cold now.”

“Do ya mind?” He reached for it and I let him have it.

“Um, could you tell me what’s going on here?” I asked.

“It’s war, honey, war. All hell has broken loose in Ridley’s shop. You haven’t heard? Haven’t read anything in the papers or online? We’re fighting for our very lives.”

THWAAAP! Something hit the tree beside me and Ed grabbed me. “Time to move on, little lady.”

I turned to see the tree not ten inches from where I’d been standing. There was an arrow sticking out of it. Needless to say I hurried alongside Mr. Hoffman. When he slowed I tried to get some idea of what he meant about a war. “What kind of a war, Ed? Who are we fighting?”

“All the bad guys. You want the laundry list? Okay, we got the French, we got Germanians, we got the cultish Arabs and we got home-grown gangsters. They’re all out there. I’m trying to keep up with where the battles are taking place but with this fog it’s hard for the satellite to pick ‘em up.”

“Oh, I see,” I said blindly. “All the enemies of Crowe’s characters are under assault?”

“Just the ones Ridley used. See, he wants to make a sequel to the last one, Robin Hood, and they’re out there trying to prevent that from happening. None of the rest of us got a sequel and they’re all pissed off. Not us, mind you, but the baddies.”

“Oh, for goodness sake!” I started to laugh and a flash of light and then an explosion too close for comfort had me running after Mr. Ed Hoffman again. He found a rock formation and pulled me into a crevice.

“There’s a tunnel down there. You know the one I’m talking about?”

“Yes.”

“I want you to make a break for it here in a minute. You’re safer in there than running around out here. I’m going to higher ground. Okay?  All right then, now…run!”

I ran down the hill, slipping and sliding in the wet leaves, to the mouth of the underpass. I might be safer but it was dark in the tunnel and I wasn’t quite sure how far back I wanted to go. I leaned against the wall just back far enough I couldn’t be seen unless someone stepped inside the tunnel. It was still raining. A little rivulet of water was running down into the tunnel. I could hear explosions in the distance and shook my head. This was all nuts, wasn’t really happening at all. I mean, it couldn’t unless Ridley was filming a movie. Ah, that was it. I nodded my head.

I began to hear other sounds deep in the tunnel and flattened myself against the wall. Horses, the snorting and jingling of mounted horses, but not their hoof beats. Muffled voices and then I saw the white horse leading the way. I know, this is…but there was Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Robin spotted me against the wall and dismounted.

“What are ye doin’ here?” he asked.

“Hoffman sent me down here.”

“Well, ye can’t stay. Cum with me.” He gave me a boost up on his horse. I noticed then why the horses made no sound. Little John was taking the leather off their hooves prior to exiting from the tunnel.

There followed the most hair-raising flight through a forest I could ever imagine. I hung onto Robin for dear life. First we came out of the tunnel and left the roadway, climbed a hill and sped off toward the trees. We pretty much followed a stream that fed into the lake but we rode for some time along that stream, twisting and turning through the forest so that I’d completely lost my bearings. We were in a grove of conifers with a few deciduous trees sprinkled about. The mist hung about the upper branches, obscuring the sky or skyscrapers that I thought must surely be near. But then I was lost with Robin Hood and his men at arms.

They milled around on horseback for a moment and then dismounted. Robin took me down. I would have liked to remain in that position for awhile longer. I saw the amusement in his eyes but there was a war on and strategy needed discussing.

From what I could gather, they had just escaped the French led by Godfrey. They were trying to meet up with the Barons and their armies. There was talk of the Legion and I wasn’t sure what that was about as I tried to remain invisible near where Robin had put me down. Really…even though it was Robin, he was in fighting mode and not, um. Well…

After a while he came over to me and offered me a drink from his flacon. I took a sip, not thinking, and it damn near burnt my throat out. Coughing and sputtering, I handed it back to him. He laughed and took a drink.

“It’s too strong for you?” He sat on his haunches.

“A bit.” I gave him a watery eyed smile.

“We wait for Hoffman to guide us.”

“Hoffman? You’re depending on him?”  I asked.

“He has the technology. It’s better than going tree to tree through the forest.”

I thought of Ed and his fog bank. “Well, I wouldn’t worry. I’m sure Ridley Scott will make it all come out good in the end.”

Robin looked at me for a moment. “You think he’s behind this? He isn’t. He’s trying to find a way to stop it. We’ve all been dragged into it and he’s worried with good cause.”

“You’re serious about this so-called war, aren’t you?”

“You’d better get serious, too.” He smiled a little. “Your life is expendable just like everyone else’s, except mine.”

“Except yours?” I repeated.

“Yes, you can’t do a sequel if Robin is dead, now can you?” That mischievous grin was back. “It’s me they want. My mates are trying to protect me. If we could only amass our forces then victory would soon follow.”

“Let me ask you this, Robin. Why was I brought into this, um, war?”

“He needed a chronicler. We can’t use Alan A Dayle. He might be accused of being biased. So it was you.”

I looked into those eyes that had seen so much and yet told nothing. I thought about the bath tub. Sorry, but it just came to mind. Robin in the bath. Chronicler, indeed.

“What are you thinking?” He tilted his head a little with a light in his eyes.

“Ask me nicely - bathtubs.” I raised a brow.

He grinned and looked away for a moment. “The water was cold. You would not have enjoyed it, if you know what I mean.” That look of merriment was back. I think I blushed. At least I felt heat above the collar of my parka.

“Robin!” Will Scarlett sounded the alarm and we all moved back into the trees and underbrush. I was left with the horses in the bushes. They took their longbows and arrows and moved up above the stream where they could look down.

I thought Robin might be a bit of a rascal. I was contemplating this when I heard the sounds of arrows being released. Like the coward that I was, I huddled between the horses. It was a little while later that they came back for their horses. There was another man with them. Again I was dragged up onto Robin’s horse and we set off across the stream. I gathered from their conversation that the man was a messenger and had been followed. Robin and his men had shot and killed the men who were harassing the messenger.

I tried to get a look at the messenger. He had a hood up over his head but something about him…ah, his saddle. It was certainly different from Robin’s. On we rode through the forest. Now I am familiar with this park as far as trails and lakes and fountains and grassy areas that I’ve spent years enjoying. But today I’ve seen things I would swear to you were not here in this park or even in this country. The messenger seemed to know where he was going. He led the rest of us across a valley, I kid you not, and up the other side.

We slowed when we reached the ridge and my breath caught in my throat. There arrayed before us all along the ridge was the Army of the North, the Roman legion to be exact, and coming toward us in all his glory was Maximus. He halted a few paces in front of us and Robin slid off his saddle and joined him. They shook hands. Can you get a visual on that? Robin looked like Maximus’ older brother.

Part 2

The Merry Men dismounted also and were treated to hot drinks. I had been noticed still atop the white horse but no one had offered to help me down. My feet weren’t in the stirrups so anything close to grace was beyond me. I could wiggle onto my stomach and slide down the side of the animal, holding onto the saddle, or rugs or something…

“Are you in need of assistance?”

“Yes, General, I am.” Wow factor increasing steadily.

Easily I slid into his arms and he held me there in front of him. “Are you well?”

“Yes, a little overwhelmed, but I’m okay.”

“You would perhaps like a drink?”

“I would, yes, thanks.” I moved at his side to a campfire and was handed a cup of wine. This was a little better than the mead and grain I’d been given by Robin. “What’s going to happen here?” I asked him before he turned away.

“There will be a battle, not here, but there.” He pointed across the valley toward the sea.

“Robin Hood’s battle?"

“It will be a battle for Robin Hood.”

“Will you win?”

“I believe so. We must.” He looked down and kicked at a stone. “We have a superior force used to victories. You cannot see them from there but the Northern Barons have amassed and wait for us to join them.”

“Robin will ride with you?”
 

"Yes, at my side.”

“What about Hoffman’s people?”

“His Arabs? Ah, they are beyond the valley and the sea. However, today they have sent envoys to join against us. We shall encounter them on the way to the sea.”

“Gangsters?” I asked.

“Yes, American Gangsters.”

“General, you say you are going to fight Hoffman’s enemies, too. How can you defeat an enemy who uses RPGs and suicide bombers and explosives?”

“With intelligence.” He smiled and touched my shoulder. He returned to the gathering by the fire. There was something comforting about the General, as if nothing could possibly happen to you when you were with him. Intelligence, I thought. He had it in spades.

Soon a rider came up the ridge and everyone went to their mounts. The fire was covered in dirt. We were about to move. I kind of stood about stupidly until Robin came over and escorted me to his mount.

“I’ve seen you ride and seen you fight. I’m not sure this is where I want to be,” I said apologetically.

“If you have seen these things then you must know I do not fall from my horse. The General, however, has fallen from his in battle.”

“I know but I’m not sure I can hold on to you.”

He smiled and took me over to the General. I was hoisted up and set in front of him and shown what to hold onto. It wasn’t that I thought the General was any less a fighter, oh no, he’d be in the thick of it. It was that Robin was the target. I love him and all that but to take an arrow for him? Ah…no. I am a practicing coward.

We came off the ridge and down into the valley toward the sea. It was still misty and raining but I could make out some forms of buildings far in the distance. I turned to Maximus and asked, “Those buildings up there, is that where we’ll find the gangsters?”

“Yes, they hide about in the caverns of the city like rodents, but we shall flush them out.”

“What about the cops? Can’t they handle it?”

“The fear, my dear, is that the gangsters have been joined by the Germanians and the French. That is what the messenger has reported. Landing boats were spotted along the Jersey coast.”

“Ahh, hmmm?” I pondered.

There is something to be said about riding on a General’s mount at the head of the Roman Legion. Such magnificence, such power, such gloriously-helmeted and armored up men. Robin and his men veered off to the right and now I see why. Wow, they either outnumber or match the force behind me. Hah! Gangsters haven’t got a prayer.

And on we rode, through the valley of the shadow of…no wait a minute here. Confidence, that was what I needed. I saw it on the General’s face when I turned to look at him. Just another day on the job, tea break coming soon?

We made a thunderous approach to the city. But still I kept thinking about arrows versus bullets. This was like cowboys and Indians and we know who won that war. Fearlessly we rode out in front with Robin coming over to confer.

A Maximus decision. Some hapless fella was given a message and sent down the road into the city. I am picturing him coming back and grimace behind my eyelids. But, alas, the barbarians were not at the gates as yet. He came back with a piece of paper and a confused look on his face. It was handed to Robin and then to Maximus, who unfolded it for me to see and asked if I could interpret it.

The message said:  FK U MUFUKR. I moistened my lips and took a breath. “Ah, yes, I can. It’s, ah, a rather modern way of telling you to, um, well, to go, uh, yourself…?” I looked at him hopefully.

Robin moved his mount within earshot and listened to my attempt. He got it right away and looked at Maximus. “They want you to bugger yourself,” he said with his Yorkshire accent and danced his horse in a circle.

Maximus’ chest filled his armor and his mouth set in a line. He stood in his stirrups nearly upsetting me from his horse. “At my signal!” he bellowed.

I crouched down, holding onto the saddle and the horse’s mane. We were off. Above the horse’s ears I could see a wall of arrows falling into the city. Robin had set his archers to work. To the left Maximus’ own archers were sending another wall of arrows into the city. I imagined it looking pretty much like a cactus plant. Surely in this Ridley War there wouldn’t be any real people hanging about the city on a rainy day like this, nobody running to the corner for a paper or a pint. As we neared I saw there were several fires already burning in a tall apartment building. This from the flaming arrows shot by the Romans.

They fanned out with different divisions entering through different streets. Maximus and Robin stood back, watching the infiltration from a little rise over the city, trying to figure out where to concentrate their efforts. A car came careening over the hill top and stopped. A very sweaty Richie Roberts emerged.

“Thanks, guys, you made it just in time. The French have landed and the Barbarians are coming through the tunnels.”

“Excellent, will you lead the way?” Maximus asked.

Roberts’s eyes locked on me and I knew as sure as I was sitting side saddled that I would be riding into battle with him in that rattletrap of a car.

“You’d better take her. She’s in danger now,” Robin told him.

I slid down the horse’s flank into the arms of Richie Roberts.

“Can you drive?” he asked, tossing me the keys.

“What!” Wide-eyed I slipped into the driver’s seat and he into the passenger seat where his Big Gun rested. He navigated and I drove like a bat outta hell. I scared myself. Richie was busy loading his gun and was at the ready when we hit the pavement. I once saw two horsemen behind me in the rear view but after that I daren’t look away from the streets. We were being shot at and chased. Richie leaned out of the window and returned fire.

“Damn fine shooting,” he said and slipped back into the seat.

“Did you get him?” I asked, screeching around a corner.

“Robin got his tire, sent him over. Head for the waterfront,” he said and put his hand over the back of the seat. “You’re a good driver,” he smiled.

“I briefly glanced at him. Overturned cars were everywhere with arrows sticking out of the tires and the driver's seats. I didn’t want to see what was at the other end of the arrows.

The closer to the waterfront we got, the worse it was. The gangsters had been pushed back to this area and now the French were fighting alongside of them, sending arrows in our directions. The windshield got smashed by something and Richie said for me to pull into a parking garage. He hopped out with his gun.

“You can stay here or stay with me.”

I opted to stay with him. He handed me a box of ammunition to carry.

“You have to keep up, now,” he said.

“I will.” No way was I going to be left behind to face barbarians or worse. Was there anything worse?

As we made our way through the streets from doorway to doorway I saw many shields lying about, mostly French but some English, too, and my heart went out to the soldiers fighting somewhere ahead. There were arrows everywhere, some sticking in bodies. I averted my eyes. This was as close to war as I ever wanted to be. I heard a screeching sound and looked up. Richie pulled me into a doorway and onto the pavement. The missile hit somewhere ahead of us. That was Hoffman’s work, I thought. One thing for sure, these guys knew how to fight. We started around a corner and Richie unloaded on somebody and then jumped back. I handed him the box and he handed me a handgun.

“Just in case,” he said.

I looked at it like a foreign object, which it was in my hand. I stuck it in the belt of my jeans. He reloaded and we went around the corner. I could hear the battle now, a loud clashing of swords and war cries. It got louder the closer we got. I was getting cold feet, really cold feet. I just couldn’t go around the next building. I didn’t want to see it.

Just then from across the alley I saw Ed and Ridley Scott running together.

“They’ve struck their colors!” he called out. “The French have surrendered.”

That was good news, of course, but there were still the barbarians and gangsters. There followed a tremendous explosion. I heard Ed give a war whoop. His hellfire missile hit the tunnel and caved it in on the barbarians.

Richie grabbed my arm. “Come on! We can’t stay here.” He led me in the same direction Ed and Ridley had gone.

As we cleared the buildings I could see there was still some fighting along the waterfront. A gunman was somewhere above us, shooting down at the swordsmen on the ground. Richie went up and I followed him. Another sprat of fire went off and he stopped me with his hand. He went off alone to take care of the gunman.

He came back and said, “Let’s get outta here,” then led me down the stairs into the fresh air again. The rain was coming down even harder now but that was okay. It was washing the blood from the streets and the sidewalks and putting out the fires.  Richie walked with his gun ready but there didn’t appear to be anybody left to shoot. Weary archers and swordsmen were beginning to fill the streets, making their way back to the hillside. Here and there were laughter and groans. Around a corner and we came up on Ridley and Ed with Maximus.

My heart skipped a beat. Where was Robin?

“There she is. What a brave little lady you are,” Ed smiled as I approached.

“Where is he, where is Robin?” I asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

Ridley sighed and pointed down the boardwalk. “You’ll find them down there at the only pub left standing.”

I heard them before I actually found them. The Merry Men were singing the day’s accomplishments and Robin was leaning on the bar with a pint. I ran up to him. “You made it though! You’re okay, aren’t you?”

“Of course I am,” he smiled and turned up his glass. “All right, lads, drink up and it’s the forest for us tonight.”

“So…there will be a sequel?” I asked.

“Don’t know. It’s up to Ridley and the rest of the gang. But for sure, we’re ready.” He winked.

“Victory dance!” Max was back, doing his little jig in the doorway.

I had to laugh at him. “Where have you been all day while people have been fighting and dying for Robin Hood?”

“Playing tennis. Ah, but before you start in on me for not shooting arrows or guns or missile launchers, you must understand that was my way of fighting. The only fight I got was on a tennis court and I did beat a Frenchman today.”

“I suppose that counts for something.” We walked as a group up the boardwalk. Ridley was waiting with a hummer for his cast to ride back to his shop. I felt a little sad seeing them wandering around the vehicle. They were all getting ready to leave and leaving me behind.

Ridley walked over to me. “Did you get it today? I hope you did because there won’t be a repeat. I shoot and run.”

“Yes, Sir Ridley, I got it. I know how hard it was, what a hard-fought battle it was to get this epic made and a sequel must be made now or all this will have been for nothing.”

Richie came over and gave me a hug and a kiss for helping him out and the rest followed. Jokes made about the bath tub by Robin, Ed still going on about bravery and thanking me for the latte. Maximus apologized for having me decipher the note but then laughed and kissed me good bye. Max took my arm. "Are you ready to go?” he asked.

“Go where? I’m almost afraid to ask,” I laughed.

“Back to where I found you,” he replied. “You won’t forget us, will you?”

“Are you kidding? I’m going straight to the store and buy up all the DVD’s they’ve got of you. “You’re really special, you know?”

They dropped me off at the park entrance across the street from the café where I had breakfast. I hurried home, got on my computer and wrote this report before I forgot anything. Oh, and I have ordered all the DVD’s. It’s good to keep up with these guys. You just never know…

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