seasonssnowmelt

Snow Melt

The House of Four Seasons

By Atonia Walpole

I think the year has started, never mind what the calendar says. This will be my last year in this house. My year began in Fall. Knowledge comes with a price. I wanted to know and now that I know I have to take some action because I can’t go on waiting for the other shoe to drop. This could go on for years but I don’t want it to. I fear I would always be looking for some flaw or something that says, yes, this is the one or, no, I couldn’t live with that. Terry knows and in a way he set the groundwork for me. I appreciate his honesty and more than that his concern for me and his love. He has delved deeper into me than anyone, searching and finding what is inside.

I’ve spent most of the day in his room soaking up his subtle scent that still remains here, subtle but, oh, so powerful, as is he.

John will be here before daylight tomorrow. John, my first love. John, the reason I am here. He is a good man, sweet, loving and strong but I have some concerns about him, issues we must face and I don’t know what the outcome is going to be. So I will take my bath and remove my ring before I go to bed tonight. John’s ring will be on my finger when he gets here.

He knew as soon as he walked into the house at a little past one in the morning. Something was different, something that had never been there before. He couldn’t put a name to it, but it was there. He hesitated going up the stairs. Had it already happened?

Quietly he opened his bedroom door. She was there in his bed asleep. That, at least, was a good sign. He sat down in a chair and removed his boots and sweater. Still she slept, so he stripped down and pulled the covers back, lying down beside her. Hell with it! He gathered her in his arms, pulling her to hi. She woke then.

“John, I must have been sound asleep. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“You must have been. I’ve never gotten this close to you asleep before. Are you okay?”

“Umm, yes.” She buried her face in his neck. He pulled her back and kissed her and she went willingly to him, relishing the so familiar feel of his body against hers. His scent enveloping her, she closed her mind’s door and loved him.

It was at breakfast that he hit her with it. “So who is it, Jack, Max or Terry?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Maybe you haven’t made up your mind yet. Is that it? Is that why you could still take me to bed?” He picked up his coffee cup.

John…I…no, I haven’t made up my mind, but I think it will be this year. I can’t live here and go on knowing what is to come. I can’t keep doing this.”

“I can understand that, Toni, I can. It must be hard for you.”

“It is.” This is not how she wanted to start this season.

“I figure it’s not going to be me.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I got nothing going, small town Sheriff, hockey mad, not much for you here, except that I love you, Toni.”

“You’ve got a lot going, John. Don’t say things like that about yourself.”

“I felt it, you know, when I came in the door. S,omething was different so I thought you must have made a decision.”

“I really didn’t want to start out like this, John. We’ve got three months.”

“Well, I do. I think we know each other well enough. You should know I like to get things out and get them settled.”

Toni ran her hand over her hair. He’d never been this way. “Okay, what would you do if I took you out of here? Where would we go, how would we live? I have the house in Virginia and a bit of money. It would be a start.”

“Virginia…? I’d take you to Alaska, Toni, not to Mystery but some other town, get on with their law enforcement force. It’s what I know. I’m not sure I could live in Virginia.”

“What if I didn’t want to live in Alaska? What about somewhere else in the lower 48?”

“What’s wrong with Alaska? It’s where I’m from…it wasn’t a problem before.”

“I didn’t have to go live there before, John.”

“Well, okay, if that’s a problem, some other state or Canada.”

Toni picked up her cup and looked down in it. “You know I don’t like the cold.”

“Is that the biggest problem we got...where to live?”

“No, I think there are other things to think about. When I take somebody out they lose what they had. You’ll lose your children. You can’t ever go back to where you go when you leave here each season.”

He tossed his hair back. “I’m aware of that.”

“That doesn’t bother you?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“So it does. I can well understand that. You told me one time they were two separate worlds. When you go back it’s the same day you left. You lost nothing in your other world. This is something different John. You’d lose it all except me. You would have me. I’m not sure I‘m enough for you.”

He got up and walked to the back door, looking out on the cold snow covered back yard. “You know what I think? I think you have made up your mind and I was right. It ain’t me. So what am I doing here?”

“I have not made up my mind. I wanted to see you, John, and talk to you. You understand these are real issues here between us. Either we can settle them or we can’t.” She felt a hard knot forming in her chest.

He was quiet for a moment. “We might have worked out where to live but you’re right about one thing. I love my children, Toni. Where would they be, caught up suspended somewhere in a magical void? It was different when I started coming here. It was all still there when I got back. But you need to know, Toni, that I have loved you. Nothing takes away from that, nothing. I’ll go back to where I came from. I won’t ever know that I knew you. I think that’s how it has to be.” He turned to see her face awash with tears.

“Oh, John!” She was crying out loud now.

“Aw, Toni.” He pulled her up out of the chair and into his arms. “Honey, don’t, don’t,, please don’t.” He began crying himself, feeling tears run down his cheeks. “It’s all my damn fault anyway. This whole thing is my fault. I should never have…never have.”

“It’s not all your fault. I did it myself. I caused it because I wanted you.”

“It could have gone on for awhile longer if Max hadn’t married you.”

“Everybody is at fault. This is what happens. I understand, John. It…it just hurts both of us.”

“Yeah, it does. You’ll be okay here. You’ll be taken care of. I, ah…there’s nothing else I can do, Toni. I can’t stay, knowing. I can’t stay…” He looked into her eyes.

“What…you can’t leave!”

“I think it’s the best thing I can do. Why keep feeding pain and hurt and regret? The more you feed it, the bigger it gets. It’s better to cut it off now. I’ll just, ah, get my stuff and, ah…go.”

Toni was shocked. “John, you can’t leave me like this! No!”

“Yeah, I can. It’s not what I ever wanted, Toni. You’ll get over me. The quicker the better.” He kissed her hard and went upstairs and got his boots, coat and hat.

Toni leaned against the wall by the kitchen door, still not believing that he would leave her. But he did. She heard the front door shut behind him and ran down the hall opening it. He was backing out of the drive and turned toward the gates. They closed behind him with a thud she heard on the front porch. He was gone from her life…that fast… gone.

She came back in and closed the door, leaning against the back of it, and cried. Sliding down to the floor she cried and keened for John, for what they had and for what she’d lost.

Later she got up, went into the kitchen and splashed cold water on her face. She sat down at the table and remembered the first day he’d appeared, shoveling the walk, how excited she’d been. All the love and tears they’d shared, it was all over now…gone. She walked over to the window. The sun was out reflecting off the snow on the terrace. It was melting the snow along the edges where a walk had been cleared, snow melt. It ran down her face and dripped off her chin.

We are aware the process has begun. It is a sad time for her but she will grow more confident and will see that John’s action, however abrupt it seemed, was the best thing for her. We are sorry for her pain and will comfort her as best we can. It will be a long season for her alone.

HO4S

Toni walked upstairs and found John’s door locked. She beat on the door. How could he have done this to her? She went down the hall, trying all the doors. They were all locked so she went back to her own room and fell on her bed. Three months in this house alone, winter outside. No, winter inside.

The days that followed found her angry with him one minute and hurt the next but she was able to get through the days. Her tears for John had dried. With no council but her own she began to doubt herself. Maybe she shouldn’t have taken this step, let it all ride for a few more years. This was crazy, wasn’t what she’d planned. She never reckoned on John leaving.

One day she found her cell phone plugged into the charger in the library. She wondered why she needed it. There was no one to call. Picking it up, she called John’s number. It was not in service. He was back in Mystery and now had no memory of her. She called her Auntie and was invited for Christmas. She accepted the invitation. Christmas, she hadn’t even thought about that. Tactfully the house had only displayed a seasonal hint at the holiday. There would be no tree or gifts this year.

Toni was numb. She ate what the house provided, slept way too much and rarely went outside. At the desk in the library she picked up the cell phone again and tried to call Jack…no service. She tried to call Max and the phone rang but he didn’t answer. Finally she called Terry, having no idea where he went when he left her.

“Toni?”

She nearly fell out of the chair, “Terry? Terry! Oh, my God!”

“What’s wrong?”

“John’s gone. He was here one day and left after we talked. I’m going crazy here, Terry.”

“I can’t come, Toni. Keep it together, luv. You have to. Go read, honey, all those books we bought. Read, listen to your IPod, do the normal things. Go see your Auntie, go shopping.”

“I’m going to Auntie’s for Christmas.”

“Good! Tell her I said hello. I have to go, Toni. Remember what I said…keep my love warm.”

“I am. I am keeping it warm.” But he was gone. She held the phone to her breast for a moment and got up, taking the phone with her. Maybe he would call. Maybe somebody would.

Early the next morning the phone woke her and she grabbed it. “Terry?”

“No, this is Max. Why are you calling, darling? Sorry I didn’t get the call.”

“I was desperate. John left. He only stayed one day.”

“Left? Why? What happened?”

“I’m going to take somebody out this year, Max. I think you should know. It’s not John. That was his decision.”

“You’re alone? Oh, I am sorry, love, but, ah, I can’t come to you, not until summer.”

“I realize that. It’s just that it gets really hard here by myself.” She began to cry.

“Toni, I can’t talk to you now, love. Find something to do. Go visit your Auntie.”

“Yeah, thanks, Max. Bye.” She remembered Fannie and guessed he was…busy. Had he even heard what she said?

Now that she was awake she had her coffee bedside. She at least knew she could call them except for Jack, but he could be on the far side of the world as far as she knew. She picked up her phone again and sent him a text. Maybe he would get it. What did it matter anyway? She dropped her phone. She was alone. She’d been alone here before. She would have to deal with it. She smiled, remembering something her Maman used to say to her. “Put your big girl britches on and deal with it.” She would do just that.

She spent Christmas with her Auntie and New Year's alone in her room in tears, waiting for the ball to drop. Too many memories here. It was well after midnight. Drinking alone is never a good idea, but not sure what she was celebrating, she took the bottle of champagne into her workroom and turned on her computer. Jack sent her a message wishing her a Happy New Year and told her to hold fast until he could get there. Hold fast. “I am, Jack, I am holding fast…I’m holding on…holding it together,” she wailed.

She woke up on the sofa early in the morning and made her way to the bed. It was too early to think, too late to cry. She fell asleep again.

It snowed for three days. She was snowbound and spent the days eating soup and reading. Millie was her constant companion, offering what company she could. It was toward the end of January that Toni noticed Millie spent a lot of time at the glass doors in the kitchen. After explaining for the umpteenth time how cold it was, she finally let her out, watching her from the warmth of the kitchen. Millie picked her way though the snow to the bench and sat down, looking out to sea.

Toni shook her head smiling at her little furry companion and then she looked out to sea, too, and dropped her cup. Through the fog clearly there were sails, lots of white sails in the distance.