The Saving of Robert Kinston

By Atonia Walpole

Chapter 1:

In these past six months he had gradually shut himself away from life as he had known it. There was nothing to take its place and so he drifted from one day to the next, still clinging to the house they shared for five years. Grief had been replaced with anger, and anger with nothing. He was already dead.

At first it was though she were still there and, fully expecting to hear her voice, found himself listening for her footsteps on the stairs. Her scent filled his bedroom and bathroom, the aroma of baking bread filled his kitchen. Over time these scents faded and now the air smelled of dust.  Robert J. Kinston was slowly leaving this world.

When he chanced to catch his reflection in a mirror he didn’t recognize himself. He no longer shaved in the mornings and hadn’t seen a barber in months; days would go by before he showered, and more often than not he slept in his clothes wherever he happened to doze off. If it hadn’t been for the cat, Milford, he most likely would already be gone. Milford had been Josie’s beloved cat, and now left in his care, it was his only companion. The cat ate whether he did or not.

The doorbell had been ringing for some time before he pulled himself from the sofa and padded barefoot to the door, only opening it wide enough to see who was there.

"Oh, I’m sorry! Did I wake you? I was beginning to think nobody was home. I did try to call. I…" Shocked into silence the young woman stopped, staring at her idol.

"What do you want?" he asked, blinking his eyes at the bright sunlight flowing into the crack in the door.

"I’m Melody Anderson. I’m your pupil for this semester." She thought he looked ill. "If you’re not feeling well I can come back."

"Pupil?" he ran his hand through his unkempt hair and focused his eyes on her.

"Tutor, you’re my tutor. I took the class you offered on creative writing in the spring, and signed up for tutoring with you for this semester."

His fogged brain began to function. Had he ever taught, had he ever written anything? Tutoring…. "I’m sorry, I’m not prepared for that right now." He started to close the door.

"Mr. Kinston, please…I’ve so looked forward to this. I can come back at another time when it’s convenient with you. I have these papers for you so you’ll know where I am and what I need to work on."  She pushed the papers into his hand.

"Look…Melody…I’m not…ready…I’m not well. You should find somebody else…I can’t…"

"There is no one else…no one like you…I need your help…please." She forced him to meet her eyes.

He stared at her for a minute. "Thursday, come back on Thursday same time."

"Thank you, Mr. Kinston, you have no idea what this means to me." She was gushing and couldn’t help it. She was going to work with Robert Kinston.

He backed up and closed the door, leaning against the back of it, letting the papers fall to the floor and float wherever they pleased. Righting himself, he walked to the kitchen and put the coffee pot on, glancing at the clock on the stove. It was eleven o’clock and the first time he’d looked at a clock in over a month.

"Milford, I’ve done a stupid thing letting that girl talk me into tutoring. Three days, we’ve got three days to get ourselves together. It ain’t gonna happen."

Milford tilted his golden tabby head and blinked his golden eyes.

The black trash bags on the curb were evidence he tried to clean up a bit, throwing out months' worth of newspapers and periodicals. His office was a shambles; curling papers littered his desk and dust covered everything. He made a cursory effort and quit.  Showered, his beard trimmed, and dressed in clean clothes, he opened the door promptly at eleven.

He couldn’t recall what she looked like and was surprised to find a tall, slender young woman with light brown hair curling around her shoulders from a side part. She had a pair of glasses perched on her nose, a striped jersey and jeans, with a backpack slung over her shoulder.

"Hello, guess you’d better come in," he said, holding the door open.

"Thank you, I hope I’m not late."

"Right on time. Ah, my office I guess," and he led the way down the hall. "Excuse the mess. I’m not in here much."

"You’re not writing?"

"No. I looked over the papers and read your short story. I’m not sure what you’re trying to say with it."

"Why aren’t you writing? You’re brilliant, Mr. Kinston."

He looked up from the papers he held. "I’ve run out of things to say, Miss Anderson. You want to tell me about this story?"

"An author such as yourself never runs out of things to say. Your fans are waiting for the next book."

She saw the flash of anger in his eyes. "We’re talking about your story here not about me."

"You don’t like it do you? I had hoped to make a novel out of it."

"The plot is good and the characters well-defined, but somewhere along the middle you lost it, lost me anyway."

"I wouldn’t want to do that…lose you." His head came up and he narrowed his eyes across his desk. "If I can’t hold your interest then I couldn’t possible hold anybody else’s. Where exactly do you drift away?"

He looked down at the paper that he’d gone over and redlined and handed it across the desk to her.

She smiled to herself...the part where he falls in love with the student. "You don’t think this could happen?"

"It’s predictable. It's been done too many times…"suddenly he turns and really sees her for the first time, "…it’s junk, Mel…Miss Anderson."

"Please call me Melody."

"Go back and read what you have written about the man. That’s not something he would do."

"What would he do?" she asked. "What do you think of him?"

"I think he’s all too familiar, Melody. You took my writing class…I don’t remember you," He wrinkled his brow, "and I don’t like being made a character in your story."

"If I remember correctly the assignment was to write a story about somebody you admire."

He looked toward the window, remembering the classroom. Some good work had come out of that group. Melody Anderson, she wrote poetry also and was pretty good at it, if he recalled correctly. The story she’d brought him to look over…she obviously had a thing for him. Too bad it came out in her writing.

"You write poetry, don’t you?"

"Yes, sometimes when I’m inspired." He did remember her.

"I suggest you rewrite this story and find another person to admire. It gets a bit sticky, don’t you think?"  He smiled slightly.

She blushed and kept her eyes on the paper. "I didn’t write it to embarrass you."

"I’m not the one embarrassed. It’s too obvious, Melody. If you can’t think of a person, make one up. I can’t be that person."

Melody felt tears pricking her eyes and blinked them back. "I’m sorry to have wasted your time." She began stuffing the papers back in her backpack.

"Tuesday, come back on Tuesday with another story and we’ll work through it. You’re a good writer needing a little direction."

"Thank you," she stood up. "This your cat? What’s its name?" she asked, reaching down to pet the cat winding around her legs.

"That’s Milford, bossy fella." He stood up and came around the desk.

"Well, I’ll see you on Tuesday. Thanks for giving me another chance."

He walked past her and to the front door,."See ya Tuesday," he said and closed the door behind her.  He found his hands shaking and went to the kitchen, pulling a beer from the fridge. It was probably a mistake asking her to come back. He washed the distaste from his mouth with the beer.

Melody clutched the steering wheel, moving out into the traffic. She’d made a fool of herself and regretted taking the story to him. There were others she’d written, better ones she knew. Whatever made her think he would care about her feelings for him? Quietly she’d sat in his class and quietly she’d fallen in love with him.  She knew about the recent tragedy in his life, his wife getting killed in the accident, the mental anguish he’d been through. There was talk on campus about him and she’d seen it herself on Monday. He looked better today. Maybe that was a good sign, maybe he was coming out of it now?

Robert Kinston finished the beer and tossed the bottle in the trashcan. His doorbell rang. She was back. Reluctantly he went to open the door.

"Robbie, I saw the trash bags and thought it was time I came to see you."

"Tessie, come in."

"I was on my way to the bistro for lunch. Thought you might want to go with me."

He hesitated.

"You have to eat sometime. It's only lunch, Robbie." She tilted her head and smiled.

"Yeah, give me a minute…shoes." He half smiled and ran up the stairs.

He looks like hell, she thought. I should have come sooner. Tessie looked around the living room. She hadn’t been in it since right after the funeral. Poor Josie would have a fit knowing he’d let himself get into such a funk. Josie had been a good friend to Tessie when her own husband died of a heart attack three years ago. She’d been there with her homemade loaves of bread and later over coffee and tears helped her through a bad time. Why hadn’t she done the same for Robbie? Absently running a finger across a dusty table, she thought it was because he was who he was.

She smiled as he came back down the stairs, a little disheveled but still handsome. "I like the beard, Robbie. Makes you look a little mysterious."

"I notice you didn’t say distinguished." He ran his hand through his hair. "Ready?" He covered his eyes with a pair of sunglasses and followed her out of the door.

She quietly walked beside him up the sidewalk. It was only a couple of blocks down to the main street and the bistro on the corner.

"I had a pupil this morning. Looks like I’m tutoring," he said, cramming his hands in the pocket of his jeans.

"I’m glad to hear that. When did you decide to tutor?"

"I don’t remember…must have been after I taught that class."

It would have been before the accident. "I heard you were a success in the classroom. Benny’s son was in there. You remember him, Lee Robins?"

"I guess I do…sorry my mind’s not functioning properly."

"It probably only needs some of Ralph’s good, hot soup and a roast beef sandwich."

Robbie smiled, giving her a side-glance. "That sounds good. I’m glad you came by, Tessie."

"I’ve been meaning to for some time, then time gets away from you and it almost becomes embarrassing to do the thing you know you should have done. Here we are, and look what’s on the board today! Hot roast beef sandwiches and potato soup! See, the timing was right after all."

Robbie didn’t know about timing but the smells coming from the small bistro had his stomach rumbling. Placing their order at the counter, they found a booth by the street window and sat down.

"Is that your stomach I hear, Robbie?" she asked, settling herself on the seat.

"Yes, I’m afraid it is. I don’t think I ate this morning…maybe not last night, either." He brushed his hair out of his eyes.

"Now that makes me feel bad for waiting. I’ll make sure you eat…if you let me." Tessie looked at him over the table. The poor man was starving. She noticed the gray in his beard and shook her head.

"I’m not going to argue with you about that today." He licked his lips as the bowl of soup was placed before him.

Chapter 2:

Finishing her lunch, Tessie looked out the window. "It’s clouded up. We may get some rain tonight."

"Yeah," Robbie said absently. His stomach full for the first time in days, he pushed the plate away.

"When was the last time you went for a walk?" she asked.

"Walk? I dunno. I really don’t know, Tessie."

Should she? She did. "Well, come with me. I feel like a walk and I’d enjoy your company."

"I’m not good company," he said, meeting her eyes.

"Why don’t you let me be the judge of that? Come on, now, unless you have something important to do?"

"No…I have nothing important or unimportant to do." He followed her out of the bistro and down the street. Tessie was easy for him to be with. She didn’t prattle on with idle talk or try to pry into his inner self where he’d taken refuge. Tessie was his age, maybe a little older, somewhere in the early to mid forties. She had been Josie’s friend and therefore was his friend.

He looked up, realizing she had stopped. "I didn’t know we’d walked all the way down here," he said, looking out over the river.

"I wanted to see what they had done to the tour houses for autumn and thought it might be nice to walk over the grounds of the palace. You were somewhere else and I didn’t want to disturb you."

"Maybe you should have. I might have walked on into the water."

"I would have stopped you, Robbie. Want to sit down for awhile?" She found a bench facing the river. "I love it here. It's so quiet and peaceful."

He stared at the water. "It is quiet."

"I used to come here a lot but not so much anymore. I don’t seem to need it."

"You found your peace."

"Yes." She wanted that for him. Turning, she looked at his profile. The long lashes that surrounded the blue-green eyes stared unseeing ahead of him. Truly the light had gone out of his eyes and she ached for him. He had been her neighbor for five years. A newly-wed couple, he and Josie, when they bought the house next door. At least she had Bill for fifteen years before he died.

The first drops of rain began to fall and Tessie looked up, feeling the splash on her cheek. She turned to Robbie. He hadn’t noticed the rain so she sat by him as the drops became larger and more frequent. Soon it was raining quite hard and Robbie, finally coming to himself, turned to her.

"You’re all wet, Tessie. I’m sorry."

"Why be sorry? I’ve been wet before. I could have pushed you off the bench and run for cover."

He stood up. "We can make it to the wings. There’s some shelter there."

They ran across the grounds of the Tryon Palace, soaked by the time they reached shelter. They sat on a slat-bottomed bench and watched the rain pour down over the grounds.

"Why did you do it, sit in the rain?"

"You were there. I felt responsible because I brought you down here. I didn’t know it was going to rain so soon."

"You must know by now I’ve totally lost it, Tessie. Not enough sense left to come in out of the rain."

"Rain is something real and tangible. You can feel it on your face, taste the wetness on your tongue. Maybe you needed it? What do I know?"

He turned to her. "I think you know a lot."

"No, not nearly enough. I’m a perpetual student of life. It looks like the worst is over. Shall we chance it? We’re already wet."

"Sure, let’s go back." They walked mostly in silence until they reached their street.

"Would you like to come in for coffee?" he asked.

"Some other time, and I mean that, Robbie. I need to go home and get out of these wet clothes. Promise me you are going to do the same."

He smiled. "I promise. Thanks, Tessie, for today."

She touched his arm. "Yes, thank you for coming with me." Turning, she ran to her gate and up onto her porch.

Robbie went through his gate and kicked off his wet shoes before going inside. He went upstairs and stripped off his clothes, slipping on a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt, throwing his wet things in the tub. Back down stairs he made himself a pot of coffee and fed Milford.

"Different day today, Milford, and I think almost too much." He had found a comfortable place inside himself and didn’t want to come out to play. Tessie was okay. She was just there without asking anything of him. Friends are like that.

Tessie took her wet clothes down and dumped them in the washer. Tying the fleece robe around her waist she made a pot of tea.  She thought it had gone well with Robbie today for a first encounter.  Too bad about the rain, though.  Taking her tea into the little den off her kitchen, she sat down to think. It had been way too long. She’d left it too long. Running her hand through her still damp short curly hair, she considered there was something about a widow showing up at the door with a casserole. She couldn’t go there. He needed help. She just had to find a way to give it without him knowing.

Robbie settled back into his funk, surfacing on Tuesday when Melody was coming back for her tutoring.

"Good morning," she said brightly as she came through the door. "I brought you something." She handed him a tin. "Chocolate chip cookies. I made them last night."

"Oh, well, thank you." He turned, looking for a place to set them down and ended up carrying them back to his office, placing them on his desk.

"Aren’t you going to try one?" she asked, pulling out notebooks from her backpack.

"Not right now. I’ll save them for later. What have you got there?"

"These are my notebooks that I write in. I thought you might want to see what I’ve done. My handwriting is not that bad. I, uh, trashed the other story, the one you didn’t like."

"You didn’t have to trash it, just rewrite it," he said, not looking up from the notebook in front of him.

She watched him skim over her work. He had the loveliest eyes and she remembered the way a smile could light up his face. He’d been very funny in class, but there didn’t seem to be any humor left in him now.

"These are very good, Melody. You’ve not finished them?" he said after a while.

"No, they’re more like a synopsis of stories I want to write."

"Pick one at random and write it, flesh it out, make a story out of it." He handed her back one of the notebooks. "Do you mind if I keep these two until you come back?"

"No, not at all," she said, beaming.

"I’d like to spend more time reading them. I managed to put together some work for you. See what you can make out of this."  He handed her several papers.

Melody quickly looked them over. They were much the same sort of thing she’d done in his class. She bent her head, using the other side of his desk to work.

Robbie saw how her hair fell over her face, and sat back in his chair watching her for a minute. The scent she wore made its way to him and he closed his eyes for a moment…a female scent in his office.

"Mr. Kinston? I’ve finished, are you okay?" she wrinkled her brow. He’d fallen asleep.

Shaking his head and blinking, he sat up. "Sorry…I don’t sleep well at night."

"Have you seen a doctor?"

"There’s nothing physically wrong with me." He picked up her paper.

"Maybe I should go and let you get some rest?"

"I’m fine." He read what she had written and penciled in a few suggestions.

"Mr. Kinston, sometimes a chocolate chip cookie helps." She raised her eyebrows.

He looked at her over the paper. "You think so?"

"Works for me every time."

He opened the tin and took one out, turning it in his hand. "We’ll see. It’s very good…excellent in cookie baking."

"I made them for you. I remembered you like cookies."

He bit slowly into the cookie and met her eyes. "You have a good memory."  What was happening to him, getting turned on by a cookie? He felt a stirring in his pants. "I think your time is up. Sorry I fell asleep."

"I don’t suppose I can think I slept with Mr. Kinston, can I?" she asked with a half smile.

"No, I don’t suppose you can. You didn’t sleep. See you on Thursday, Melody."

Melody let herself out and bounded down the steps to her car. The cookies had hit their mark. She'd seen it in his eyes. Patience, Mel, she told herself. Must be patient, but he would be so worth it. She so wanted him.

Wednesday lunchtime brought a knock on Robbie’s back door.

"I told myself I wasn’t going to do this but there it is. I have. I’ve made lunch for two. Will you come over and join me? Don’t feel you have to, Robbie. I can always throw the cutlet over the fence for Alfie next door."

Robbie stared at her for a minute. "You’d give my lunch to a dog?"

"I will if you don’t come and eat it with me."

"You are relentless, aren’t you, Tessie?"

"I am!" she laughed and he followed her through the gate in the hedge to her back door.

"It’s been a long time since I was in your kitchen," he remarked, settling into a chair at the table.

"About three years. You were here right after Bill died."

"Has it been that long?"

"It has. Josie came, of course. I miss her, too, Robbie." Now why did she have to go and say that? Piling up the plates with food, she set them on the table. He’d gone quiet.

"Eat, Robbie. Alfie likes cutlets, you know. Hey, I’m sorry if I said anything to upset you."

"It was just hearing her name spoken like she was…"

"But she isn’t, and neither is Bill. Now eat."

Robbie blinked his eyes and ate his lunch. "That was wonderful, Tessie. You’re a good cook."

"Spoken like a hungry man. Can I get you anything else?"

"No thanks, I’m full…ready for a nap. I get sleepy after I eat."

"That’s because you don’t eat right and probably don’t sleep, either. There’s a daybed in there in my den if you’d like to lie down. It’s where I take my naps."

"I don’t want to take your napping spot."

"Shift work, Robbie. I don’t nap until around three o’clock. If you’re still out I’ll wake you. How’s that?"

Robbie grinned, "I think I’ll take you up on that." He wandered out to her den and lay down on the daybed. Before long he was asleep, resting peacefully.

Tessie finished up in the kitchen and tip toed into the den. Pulling an afghan from the back of her recliner, she covered him. She wanted to touch his face and place a soft kiss on his slightly parted lips but she didn’t. Instead she picked up her book and sat back in her recliner.

It was getting harder to read and she looked out the window. More rain. Robbie was still asleep and she glanced at the clock on the mantel. He’d been out for three hours. She didn’t mind at all losing her napping spot today. Let him sleep. Poor baby, he needed it so. She went out to her kitchen and made a pot of coffee, quietly carrying it back to her den. It was getting chilly in the room with no sun to warm through the windows so she lit a fire in the fireplace. Still he slept.

Later she heard a soft sound and looked over to the daybed. He was awake and looking at her, "Hey, sleepyhead," she said softly.

"It’s dark out. What time is it?"

"After five thirty. Like some coffee?"

"Um, yeah, I would. Sorry I took your afternoon." He sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have it. You had a good sleep, didn’t you?"

"I did, no dreams or anything."

She brought him his coffee mug and he pulled her down beside him. "You’re good to me, Tessie, and I can’t think why. I’m a worthless sod."

"No, you aren’t, not to me. I care about you, Robbie."

All of a sudden he wanted to kiss her so he set his cup down on the table beside the daybed and pulled her to him, kissing her softly on the lips. He pulled back, astonished. "I…I didn’t mean to do that…I just wanted…"

"I’m glad you did whether you meant to or not. You surprised yourself, didn’t you?" she grinned.

"Uh, yes, I did…" He turned, looking into her eyes. "You surprised me, Tessie." And she had, she had responded to him. "Think we could try that again?"

They did and the coffee went cold in the mug on the table.

Chapter 3:

"I didn’t mean for this to happen, Tessie. I don’t want to kill a friendship between us. I felt like I needed to..."

"Be loved? Someone to hold you, someone to kiss you and make you feel human again?  Don’t start apologizing to me for that. I needed it, too. I needed you, Robbie, and you came through for me."

He held her close, running his hand up her bare back. His emotions were running the gamut today. "You’re a generous woman."

"I’m greedy," she said against the hollow of his neck, "and I plied you with cutlets. How could you resist my charms?"

"I couldn’t, obviously, and you had this bed…"

"Ha! And you thought I only wanted you to sleep in it. Be very wary of women with cutlets and a bed."

"You’re good for me, Tess," he said, nuzzling her ear.

Tessie smiled against his neck. She was going to have to keep this light-hearted or they would both be in tears.

"Would you like a sandwich or something, maybe more coffee since you forgot the cup on the table?"

"No, just you." He took her mouth again and the rest followed.

Tessie lay breathless and limp when he finally sat up and began pulling his clothes on.

"Tess, I’m going home now. I might like to come back sometime."

"My door is always open to you, Robbie. I want you to come back." She pulled the rumpled afghan over her body.

He bent and kissed her on the lips. "Good night, Tess." And he was gone.

Tessie clutched the afghan in her hands and rolled over on her side squeezing her eyes shut so the tears would at least have a problem escaping. He was beautiful! Oh, God, he was beautiful!How did things get so out of hand? She was lost.

Robbie let himself in his back door and was met by Milford. "Yeah, I know it’s late. I’ll get your dinner right now."

Milford meowed loudly.

"Hey now, using words like that is not gonna open this can any faster, buddy." Robbie cocked a brow. "You best watch your language."

Robbie wandered into his living room and picked up the notebook he’d been reading that morning, placing it on the coffee table. Melody was a deep thinker he liked the way she wrote. Remembering the cookies, he went to his office and opened the tin, taking one out and munching it as he went back through the house turning out lights. He left the light on over the stove for Milford who was still in his cat bowl and ignoring him now. Locking his doors, he went upstairs to his bedroom and turned on the bedside lamp.

He walked over to the closet and opened the door. A sob from nowhere caught in his throat and he fell down on his knees, clutching at Josie’s clothes still hanging by his.  He cried aloud for some time before he was able to get up and go blow his nose and splash water on his face.  He sat down on the end of the bed, staring at the closet. He knew it was wrong to keep her things there; she wasn’t going to be coming back for them.

He got up quickly and ran downstairs, bringing the box of black trash bags with him, and began filling them with Josie’s clothes and shoes. He checked her purses to make sure nothing personal was left in them and crammed them in a bag.  Her under things and shorts and tee shirts from the drawers followed. In the bathroom he threw out the dried-up polishes and makeup. Her scent bottles he dumped down the drain and the bathroom filled with the scent so heavy it made him dizzy.

He carried the bags out onto the front porch and looked up the number for a charity he knew she used to donate to. He would call them in the morning and then it would be done. Sitting down on the sofa, he buried his face in his hands. He should have done this a long time ago.

He was sitting at his kitchen table with another cup of coffee when the sun came up. He might have caught a couple of hours on the sofa but sleep pretty much eluded him. His eyes glazed over, he watched as the first beams of light reached through the window and tentatively touched the table. He felt so tired, so physically tired.  He thought of Tessie and her daybed where he’d slept longer at one time than he had in six months. Tessie was a giver and he felt he was a taker, had taken from her and left nothing behind for her. Oh, God, Tess! He wanted her arms around him; he wanted her comfort.

Checking the time again, it was still too early to call the charity so he went upstairs and showered, pulling on a pair of flannel pajama pants and a tee shirt. He ran his hands through his hair not wanting to look in a mirror this morning, afraid of what he might see there. He felt hollowed out and empty. Milford wouldn’t come upstairs with him because of the bathroom. It still reeked with the scent. Robbie didn’t know how to get rid of it. He had to get out of here.

Tessie heard the banging on her back door and ran down the stairs, tying her robe as she went. It was Robbie. "Robbie, I didn’t think you’d be back so soon. Oh dear, what’s wrong? Come in."

"I’m sorry to get you up, Tess. I didn’t know what else to do. I had to get out of there."

"What’s happened, Robbie? Tell me!" She led him into the den and sat beside him on the daybed.

"Last night, I…I finally bagged up all of Josie’s things." Oh, shit, he was going to cry. "I don’t know why I waited so long. I dumped her scent bottles down the drain and now the whole upstairs smells of her."

Tessie put her arms around him, pulling him to her. "Oh, Robbie." She rocked him back and forth, rubbing her hand through his hair. She held him until he became quiet. "Do you want me to go and get rid of the smell? I’ve got some ideas of how to clean the drains. Did you sleep last night?"

"No, not much. I hate to ask you to clean the drains, Tess."

"Hey, that’s what I’m here for…cleaner of drains, that’s me. Why don’t you lie down here while I go take care of it? I promise not to take advantage of you this time."

"There’s a number by my phone of a charity. Could you call them to come get the bags off my porch?"

"I’ll take care of it, Robbie. Just rest now." Tessie got him settled and went back upstairs to dress. She was worried about Robbie. He was in a state. She checked on him and watched his even breathing before she let herself out the back door with a bucket of hopefully clean drain things.

It took several tries to come up with the right combination but she had killed the scent in the drains. Now to air the place out. She opened his upstairs windows, moving from room to room. He was right. The whole upstairs smelled of Josie. How had he made it though the night? She turned his furnace off until the place was aired out and went back downstairs where the scent was not as strong, but it was still there. Opening all the windows downstairs, she came upon Milford.

"Hey, Milford, I’ll bet you don’t have any kibbles in your bowl. No, not a one. What are we going to do with him?" She fed Milford, remembered the charity, and gave them a call. Looking around his house, she noted it needed a good dusting and vacuuming, but she wasn’t up for that before breakfast.

He was still sleeping when she came home so she pulled the door to her den closed and made her breakfast and coffee. Sitting with her coffee at the table, she again chastised herself for waiting so long to go see him. She'd had no idea he still had all of Josie’s things in the closet. That must have been awful for him, like keeping a corpse there. She had been lucky because some of the women from the historical society she belonged to had come and cleaned out Bill’s things the day after the funeral.  Maybe he would get better now? She would offer to clean his house for him.

It was a little after ten when he woke in the day bed. Opening the door, he went down the hall to the half bath.

"Tess," he said as he came into the kitchen.

"I heard you get up. Better now?"

"What’s better, Tess? Better than what? I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. I don’t ever get off, just move to a different seat."

"Sit down, Robbie, and I’ll fix you something to eat. I turned the heat off in your house and opened all the windows. The drains are clean now."

"I’m sorry you had to go and do that."

"I’m not. I’d like to think you’d do something similar for me, would you?"

"You know I would." He took the coffee cup from her.

"Toast and an egg?"

"Anything, it doesn’t matter."

"Yes, it does. Everything matters, Robbie, what you eat, what you drink, where you go, who you see. That roller coaster is going to come to a stop one of these days and you’d better be prepared for life after the ride."

"Okay, toast and an egg will be fine." He grinned up at her.

"That’s better." She fried his egg and placed it on top of the slice of toast. Sitting down across the table from him, she remarked, "Your house is going to be cold today. Oh, and I fed Milford."

"Thanks for thinking of him. Did you call the charity?"

"Yes, and they’ve already been. I saw the truck earlier. Lucky you, Thursday is their pick up day."

"Today is Thursday? Oh, shit! What time is it?"

"Ten-fifty, why?"

"I’m tutoring at eleven."

"In your cold house? Why not cancel it today?"

"Too late. She’ll already be here. Besides I like it. Gives my mind something to do."

"Well, you better put some clothes on, lots of them."

"Thank you again, Tess!" He kissed her quickly and ran out the back door to his house.

Chapter 4:

Running up the stairs to the bedroom, he could tell the scent was leaving the house already, but it was cold. He found a pair of sweats and some heavy socks and a pullover and went back downstairs to see about a fire in the fireplace.

His doorbell went and he opened the door. "It’s cold in here so don’t take off your coat."

"What happened? Did your furnace go out?"

"Um, no, spilt something down the sink and I’m trying to air it out. As soon as I get this fire going we can sit in here."

Melody sat on the sofa and watched him teasing the fire into a blaze. She liked him in casual clothes, with his hair longer and finger-combed he looked younger. She was imagining the two of them cuddled on the sofa in front of the fire, maybe a bottle of wine and some music playing. It would be so romantic. He had to be a good kisser.

"Melody?" he was standing in front of her with his hands on his hips.

"Oh, sorry," she grinned. "Lost in thought. Fireplaces do that to me."

"Do they? Maybe you should write down your thoughts?"

"I don’t think so. They’re not for public consumption. Did you read my notebooks?"

"I did," he said, sitting down on the sofa and tucking a leg beneath him. "I didn’t realize you were such a deep thinker."

"That surprised you?" she asked and removed her glasses.

He shrugged, "I guess I hadn’t thought about it one way or the other."

She shucked off her coat. He hadn’t noticed she had breasts, either, and he averted his eyes, only to come back for another look. They were standing at attention.

"You aren’t cold?"

"No," she smiled, "I have my homework here for you to look at and I started on the story."

Good, he had something else to look at and something in his hands. "Hmm, okay. Mind if I read over it?"

"Do you need a pencil to make comments?"

"If you don’t mind, they’re on the desk."

"I have one in my bag." She handed him a pencil, making sure her hand lingered in his for a moment. His hands were warm.

He read, making notes here and there, and she looked around the living room. It was nice, probably decorated by his wife. Nice oils on the walls, bright colors. She shoved her notebooks back in her bag, pleased he had taken the time to read them. Milford joined them on the sofa, looking for warmth, and she petted him, talking softly.

"Just throw him off if he bothers you." Robbie looked up over the book.

"He’s no bother. His fur is cold. He just wants to get warm in here with the fire."

"What’s this word here?" he asked, and she moved over close to him to see what he was referring to.

"Oh, that…"

"You need a thesaurus."

"I have one. I guess I should have used it." She stayed where she was, letting her arm fall across the knee he had bent beneath him. Her eyes strayed to his chest where she really wanted to be leaning in.

He sat up abruptly, knocking her a little off balance so that she was leaning against his right shoulder when his feet hit the floor.

"Look at the notes I’ve made here and how I think you should rephrase this whole paragraph,"

She didn’t take the paper from him but leaned in a little closer. She could feel his hair touching hers. It was hard to concentrate on the notebook he held.  She blinked her eyes. He smelled of soap and shampoo. She couldn’t possibly concentrate…

Robbie was not totally unaware of what she was doing. She turned to look at him and his eyes went to her mouth. He was going to kiss her.

Melody melted into him and the notebook fell to the floor when his arms went around her. He lay back on the sofa and pulled her on top of him, kissing her and letting his hands run over her back and her bottom.

"What are you doing?" he whispered into her hair.

"I’m trying to get this out of my bag in case you didn’t have one handy."

The little silver packet brought him to his senses. What the hell was he doing anyway? "I’m sorry…Melody…I don’t know what…put that away!" He lifted her off him and sat up, running his hands though his hair. "I think you’d better go."

"Oh, please…I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help myself. This is what you do to me."

"I don’t want to do this to you." He handed her the notebook from the floor. "I enjoyed our work, Melody. I need to work at something to keep my mind busy."

"What are you saying...that I can’t come back?"

"Let me think about it, okay. I’m an emotional mess right now. I’ll turn the ringer back on my phone. Call me sometime Monday. I’ll let you know then. I’m really sorry this happened."

"I’m not. You might as well know…well, you probably already do from the first story I brought you, how I feel about you. That’s not going to change, you know."

"Let’s put this in the can, okay?" He stood up and moved around the coffee table, trying to put something between them.

"I think you’re wonderful and I’ll see you again, here…or somewhere." She picked up her backpack and let herself out the door.

Robbie grabbed the poker and poked the fire until sparks were flying all over the hearth. He felt totally helpless and out of control.

Tessie had been down to a meeting with the historical society and stopped for a drink with a couple of the women and men. It was nearly dark when she made it back to her street and she looked up at Robbie’s house. The windows were still open and no lights were on. The house should have been aired out by now, she thought, and went through his gate and rang his doorbell. She waited and knocked…still no Robbie, so she tried his door and it opened.

"Robbie?" It was freezing in the house. His fire had gone out. Milford came running down the hall, meowing loudly.  "All right, where his he?" She walked into the kitchen and looked in the back yard then climbed the stairs calling him.

She found him in the bathtub half full of cold water. He was nearly blue and he’d tried to slit his wrist.

"ROBBIE!" she tried to wake him and felt for his pulse. It was there. "Oh, my God, Robbie!"  She let the water out of the tub, found a towel and dried him off. "I’ve got to get you out of here."  She brought the down comforter from his bed, wrapped him up in it and started closing windows, turning on the furnace as she passed the switch. Downstairs in the bathroom she found a first aid kit, took that back upstairs and dressed the cut on his left wrist. He hadn’t bled much, probably because of the cold. She knew she had to warm him up so she tucked the comforter around him tightly and lay down on top of him, wrapping him in her arms. Tessie was afraid she wasn’t doing the right thing. Should she call 911? It would be all over that Robert Kinston had tried to commit suicide. There would be reporters, pictures taken of him leaving the hospital. He would hate her for that.  She could call her doctor. He might come out to the house once she told him who it was. "I’m going to be right back, Robbie. Hold on for me, okay?"

After some words with her doctor who had agreed to come out, she went back to the bathroom. The house was warming up now and she found the electric blanket she had given them for Christmas two years ago and plugged it in on his bed.  "I hope I’m doing the right thing, Robbie, you’ve got to help me." Tessie felt the tears on her face and wiped them with the back of her hand. She dropped the steak knife in the clothes hamper.

The doctor came and between them they got him out of the tub and into the nice warm bed. The doctor told her she had done the right thing for him.

"I don’t want him to have to go to the hospital if I can care for him here. Just tell me what I can do for him."

"Keep him warm. His color is already coming back."

"He was nearly blue when I found him."

"The cut on his wrist is not deep. Looks like he might have had second thoughts about it. I hope that’s the case."

"You won’t report this, will you? He cut it in the kitchen. It was an accident."

"Now, Tessie, you know that’s not the truth."

"I’ll swear it is. I saw it happen."

"Where’s the weapon?"

"There is no weapon. He doesn’t have weapons in his house." Tessie was getting her back up. "I called you out here to make sure he was going to be all right. You act like he’s committed a crime."

The doctor finally left though Tessie didn’t know what he was going to report. She lay down beside Robbie and snuggled up close to him. He was worse than she thought. She was going to have to take him in hand and get him through this nightmare.

"If you only knew how important you are to me you wouldn’t do such stupid things." She caressed his face.

Milford jumped on the bed and marched up, standing on Robbie’s chest and meowed loudly a couple of times. "What do you want, Milford? Can’t you see he’s not well right now?"

"Food, he wants food, Tess."

"How long have you been awake?" she asked, sitting up.

"Since you dragged me from the tub and into this warm bed."

"You bastard!"

"I am, indeed."

"I’m going to feed Milford and get you a warm drink." She turned at the doorway. "You might think how important being a bastard is to you, Robbie, and what you’ve put me through tonight. I’m angry with you."

Tessie fed the cat and made a hot cup of tea with a good shot of whiskey in it for Robbie. "This might warm you from the inside. Go ahead and drink it."

"You should go home, Tess. It’s got to be late."

"I’m not leaving you, Robbie."

"I’ll be all right."

"That’s not for you to decide anymore. You haven’t done a very good job with yourself on your own. What happened to you today?"

He looked up. "I’ve lost control of myself." He didn’t really want to tell her about Melody.

Tessie walked around the bed. "What have you done?" He wasn’t going to answer.  What had happened to him from eleven to five o’clock? Eleven…the student…female student. She ran her hand over her face and through her hair. "Does this have something to do with your student?"

He dropped his head. "Robbie, you didn’t rape her, did you?" she asked, holding her breath.

"No, it wasn’t rape. I didn’t…I stopped myself before…"

A balloon had risen in Tessie’s chest and threatened to choke her. "You have feelings for this girl?"

"No, I really don’t, not that kind."

"That’s not entirely true is it, Robbie? I should have left you in the god-damn bath tub!" She walked out of the room and down the steps. It hurt…a physical pain in her chest.  She walked from room to room, finally picking up the broom from the fireplace set, she swept the hearth, knocking the black cinders back into the ashes.  She sat down on the sofa trying to calm her emotions. She had no claim on him other that what she herself had placed. She loved him and wanted him for her own, but he wasn’t hers.  He was ill, he wasn’t himself, the girl may have taken advantage of him in his present state.  Maybe he’d always been this way. Josie wouldn’t have talked about that if she knew…if she had known.

Tessie hadn’t realized she was crying until the tears dropped on the back of her hand. She didn’t hear him come down the stairs in his sock-covered feet. He’d gotten up and dressed after she left the bedroom. Feeling like a complete fool he went to find her.

"Tess?"

"Go away! I don’t want to see you right now."

"I’m not going anywhere…I live here."

"Oh, well, maybe I should leave since I don’t. I’ve taken too much upon myself, thinking I could care for you and help you out of your abyss, bring you back to the man I used to know."

"I don’t think I’ll ever be that man again. I’ve hurt you…I’m sorry, Tess."

"You’ve scared me, Robbie…when I saw you in that tub…I thought," she took a deep breath. "But you’re not, of course, so I think I’ll go home." She stood up and moved to the end of the sofa and he caught her arm, turning her around.

"Don’t…don’t leave, Tess."

"I don’t like to be used. I feel like I’ve been used here. You come running to me with your hurts and then go off to…I have feelings, too, Robbie. I know I shouldn’t have…I should never…"

"Oh, Tess!" He pulled her to his chest, wrapping his arms around her. "I need you. I can’t do this without you. I don’t want to be like this the rest of my life.  I want to be whole again, to be able to work again.  I have feelings for you, too. I can’t define them right now. I’m being honest with you. Please just give me some time. It’s only been a week since I’ve even talked to anybody. I’ve been in this house for months and months with only Milford. I swear the only place I ever went was to the grocery store until I found out they would deliver, and then I stopped going out at all."

Tessie listened to him with her face against his chest. Had it only been a week since she knocked on his door? "Robbie, I’m sorry. I think you need more help than I can give. You need a professional to talk to."

He pulled back from her. "I don’t want to talk to a stranger, somebody who doesn’t give a shit about me, doesn’t know me, somebody I have to pay to listen to me. I want you…you can help me, Tess."

"If I do and you come out of it whole again, able to function and work…what about me? What about what would be left of me? There’s a danger here that you don’t see, Robbie. I already love you. I want to help you…you deserve another chance at life. I don’t want to be left in the hole you crawl out of. I don’t want your grief transferred to me. Do you understand?"

"You shouldn’t love me. I don’t have anything to give right now. I’m empty. I’m asking you to take me on faith that I won’t hurt you."

"It’s a little late. I’m already loving you."

"Then fill me up with it, Tess, teach me how, show me how it's done. I need a guide. It's dark in here." His eyes were wet with unshed tears.

"Oh, Robbie, how can I not say yes?" Her arms went around his waist and she held him tightly against her.

They spent the next few days alternating from house to house. He seemed to sleep best on her day bed and she let him spend the nights there. He was affectionate but had not taken her to bed with him. Tess let him find his way.

"I’m volunteering for the next few weeks at the palace as a docent. That’s where I was the night you tried to off yourself. So you’re going to be on your own from ten until four. Do you think that’s going to be a problem for you?" she asked over dinner Sunday evening.

"I’m sure I will be fine. I’ve got the library books we picked up."

"I’m serious, Robbie. You can come with me."

"No, I’d just be in the way. I can come over here during the day if I want."

"It's short notice, but I may be able to get someone else to swap with me. I can do that."

"Tessie, I’ll be fine. I know where you’ll be. I can come to you if I think I need to."

Robbie had gone home to feed Milford when his door bell rang. He looked at his clock. It was eleven thirty.  He’d completely forgotten about Melody and hadn’t turned the ringer on.

"Hi, sorry, I forgot about you today."

"No problem. I started not to come after I couldn’t reach you by phone, but here I am and I had an idea. How would you like to go to lunch with me?"

"Oh, I don’t think…"

"I do! Get your coat! I promise to behave," she smiled.

He hesitated and backed away from the door, picking his coat up from the banister. Not a good idea, no not a good idea. He did, however, get in her car.

"I hope you like Italian. I mean real Italian cooking, not this restaurant stuff."

"Where are you taking me?" he asked

"I’m taking you to my grandmother’s house. She lives a little way out of New Bern in an old farm house by herself. I try to get out there at least once a week to see her, and eat, of course.  She loves to cook and now there’s only herself to cook for. Are you surprised?"

"Yes, this is probably not a good idea, Melody."

"Yes, it is. Trust me, okay? Do you mind if I call you Robert?"

"Yes, I do. I’m called, Robbie."

"Robbie. I like that. What happened to your wrist?" She noticed it was taped.

"I cut it…accident."

"I’m reading your last book again, did I tell you?"

"No. I don’t know. Why would you read it?"

"I wanted to see where you were two years ago. That’s when you wrote it, right?"

"Yeah, mostly. I finished the rewrites last year."

"You have such talent, Robbie. You seduce with words."

"I don’t think I’ve ever heard it put quite like that before."

"You do, but then you are a seducer, are you not?"

"Look, I’m sorry about last week…"

"I’m not talking about last week. Oh no, just it's what and who you are. I saw that in the classroom. You seduce with words, with looks, with body language, with your eyes and your smiles."

"Ha, I must have seduced you?"

"Yes, you did. I was well and truly seduced. Still am. You’ve only to push the launch button and I’m yours. I know as much about you as I could find by research."

He looked out of the window. "Well, then you don’t know me at all."

"You might be surprised. Here we are, grandma’s kitchen."

She led him in the back door of her grandmother’s house. A short, grayed, round woman came running from the pantry. "Ah, Melody, how good to see you! Oh, and you brought company?"

"Yes, Grandma, this is Robbie and he’s hungry."

"Welcome, Robbie. I’m glad you come with Melody. Sit down, please. Everything is ready."

"Thank you," he said and pulled out a chair. A bowl of thick, rich vegetable bean soup was placed before him with a loaf of bread and butter.

"Now you finish all your soup and next is even better." She sat back and clapped her hands

"Aren’t you eating?" he asked.

Melody smiled. "She will eat after we’re finished. It’s her way, Robbie. I say it’s to see if we fall over from food poisoning first."

"Hah! You never be poisoned in this kitchen, no, no. You want more wine, Robbie? It’s good for you."

After the large and long meal Melody and Robbie left for New Bern.

"I feel like a fat dog. I just want to go to sleep," he said, leaning back against the seat, "Thank you, Melody, for taking me with you. Your grandmother is a fine lady and a great cook."

"I knew you would enjoy it. She makes you feel good, you know?"

"Yes, she does," he thought. Melody made him feel good, too.

"You have a choice to make, Robbie."

"I’m not good at choices right now, Melody. Don’t make me."

She smiled at him. "I won’t make you but I’ll throw it out there. Will you come home with me for a little while?"

"No."

"Okay…see, no problem. I had to ask because I want you, but you know that."

"Yes, I do know that."

She pulled up in front of his house. "I’ll see you on Thursday."

"Em, about the tutoring. I’m not going to continue with that, not right now," he said.

"Who said anything about tutoring? You can tutor me lunch or whatever else might come up," she grinned. "I’ll pick you up and we’ll figure it out, okay?"

Robbie got out of the car and waved her off. He felt good and smiled as her car went around the corner.  For three hours he hadn’t thought about anything except food, Melody, and her grandmother. He’d almost thought he was normal until he walked back into his house. He felt it like a heavy, thick, sticky smothering thing and it enveloped him.  He couldn’t stay there and left for Tessie’s den.

ON TO PART 5

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