Toni

Max bought me a journal. Perhaps he shouldn’t have. I know it was to inspire me to write again. I love him dearly but he does not understand. My emotions are too roped around  the four of them. Each of them reaches some part of me that has need. I have become so twisted and broken that not one of them satisfies me completely. I blame myself for my own misery. I was not content. I could deny myself nothing where they were concerned.   Mother of his child and yet I became mother of his child.

One necessary for the air I breathe and one necessary for the water that keeps me alive. One gives fire, energy to live and one gives me the earth on which to walk. He keeps me grounded where I might float away on air or water or burn…he is solid. I know he is there with each step I take and yet I do not see him.

This is the aftermath of magic. Once drunk you are hooked for life. There is no cure and nothing that intervention can take away. I don’t want it taken away; I wallow in it though it destroys me. The problem is we live in the world, in a world that expects certain behaviors and none of those behaviors include more than one mate. At least at the same time. I lived divided into quadrants for too long. That was it, too long I let it go on but how could I have stopped it?

I look now at the latest graduate of The House of Four Seasons. She did it correctly. She found her season, the love of her life and stuck to it. Perhaps she is not tormented as I am. I do not know because I haven’t asked her.  If I had left after one year…but I didn’t. Almost six years in a house of magic where all my desires were met, all my needs taken care of.

So there it is and I came into this a naive young woman writing stories of romance of which I knew nothing about. I couldn’t write such stories now. They aren’t real. The only thing real about them was the research that went into them. I didn’t know what love entailed. I didn’t have a clue what a man was.

Had I fallen in love away from the House, had I never set foot on the property, what would my life have been? I often wonder about that. What is normal? I don’t know anymore. I created a fantasy and it came true, it became real. I’ll have this and that and, lo and behold, I have them in the flesh. I never meant for it to go on like this. In fact it wasn’t supposed to. After that last traumatic year it was supposed to be over. I had Terry and a life with him.

It was his nature that brought the rest of them out. They came to support me, to stand by me when he would be injured. They never went away, never went back in the can. How could I have sent them away knowing them as I do? Time passes and we become stronger together. The love that binds us deepens. I can’t imagine life without them.

I hear his voice downstairs. He is talking to Duflot. They are taking the kids tonight, Rose and Maxi. The Duflot’s are second grandparents to our babies. It is Christmas and they have gifts and treats for them.  They include Jacky when he is here but he is not here yet. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and Jacky will arrive with his father in the afternoon. We will have Christmas Eve here and then on to the Duncan’s over at Chambord for Christmas dinner.

It is a full life we live. How then can I wallow in this misery? So many times I have heard the words, 'this is how it is.’ I know, yet some part of me rejects it and will not accept that this is how we must live. We tear our children apart. What will happen to them as they grow?

Oh, I must crawl out of this funk I’ve fallen into today. Max and I have a rare evening at home without kids. I don’t want to be like this. He deserves more. He really does. He’s so beautiful, so loving, so mine. How can I be with him and ever have desire for anyone else? That is my pain and he is aware of it. It makes me ashamed.

Max

She went upstairs to take a nap around 2:00. I hate to go up and wake her but the kids are about ready to go over to Duflot’s. Would she mind terribly if they didn’t say goodbye? They will be back tomorrow by mid-morning. It’s difficult to know sometimes what is best.

This is the last bit of pre-Christmas we will have. Terry arrives tomorrow and it’s full on then until Boxing Day.

For the first time that I can remember we were not in a heat to get home. I honestly think she would have been quite happy to remain in the flat in London. I liked it, too, of course. It was a special time we spent leading up to Christmas. I know we both felt we’d already had the holiday when we got home yesterday.

Duflot cut a tree and Ludivine has decorated the house. There are pine and holly and ivy branches stuck everywhere. For once I can say the familiar scent of the place, that being lavender and beeswax polish, was missing. It smelled like a forest in here. It’s all done rather sedately but it looks festive.

That’s it. I’ve sent them on their way dressed rather appropriately in their Christmas pajamas. Well, they were at hand and looked warm. Amazing how quiet the house gets when the door is closed behind them. I love this house. Somehow I’m melded with it in a way I could never be anywhere else. Not even the flat, which is familiar enough.

Here I can move from room to room and touch my past. It doesn’t matter whether I can remember it or not there is solid evidence around me that I lived it. Uncle kept all photos he ever had made of me and had them on display. I still keep them out. In fact I’ve changed very little here. We’ve had to recover some chairs but still they are the chairs my Uncle Henry owned and perhaps I sat in at one time or another.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that here I am real. I’m as real as Aubrey Duncan or Duflot. I have a past, present and am working for the future. Toni tries to dismiss my fears and concerns about my past, about my memories. I do know it doesn’t matter and doesn’t affect my life here. It’s only a reminder of who and what I am. There are times I have a problem with that. Silly, isn’t it?

There is mulled wine on the stove still keeping warm. I know, I’ll fill two glasses full and take them up stairs. She won’t mind being awakened with this. I love her and worry about her but I can’t fix it for her.

He is absolutely the most thoughtful person I have ever known. Mulled wine, warm and spicy, what more could one want on this starry night? The stars are out. We’ve been out on the upstairs balcony. Not for too long because it’s cold and Max says the balcony is not safe. Oh, this house needs work. He got the kids off all by himself. How I love this man.

He says there’s some kind of Christmas musical special on TV, a concert or something, and did I want to watch it. Yes, I do. Snuggled with him and this warm wine I am content for now. Ludivine left us some spicy meat pies on the stove. Not sure what’s in them but they do smell good. Where is the woman who was eating herself in misery only an hour ago? I’ve shut her away. I don’t like her and she has no place here tonight.

Terry

Jacky and I have just come in from our ‘snow crunch’ walk. He takes big steps in unblemished snow to hear the crunch. We’ve been down for dinner and then took a walk around the park. Passing by cozy windows lit from within. Christmas trees blocking the life behind the window panes. It’s cold out and I’m making hot cocoa. Jacky’s found a Christmas program to watch on TV. We might make some popcorn later.

Tomorrow we pack up and fly to Marseilles. Max will meet us at the airport. I told him I didn’t want to rent a vehicle just to drive back and forth to the airport. It’s been a different sort of holiday. Jacky and I have spent a lot of it alone together and that’s been good. He had Maxi for a couple of nights  and they made the most of their time together in the snow. Funny…Max and Toni here for weeks and we saw them once by accident and once by design. Does this mean Max is trying to have a private life? Good luck to him.

It’s almost impossible to have a private life. I can vouch for that. I had thoughts of some female company but Jacky put a stop to that. It’s not fair to him to say, no, we can’t do that because I’m going out. He comes first. We had the SI Christmas party early before the snow hit. I haven’t been in the office since then. There is no need for me to go. It’s a quiet time right now but in our business that could change overnight. It’s just been me and Jacky. Anna’s been off for nearly two months now. I know Jacky misses her. He’s formed an attachment to her. Maybe it’s normal under the circumstances but he needs to know she is not a member of the family. She is not a surrogate mother.

It’s been tough knowing Toni was here, but with Max and their kids, not with ours and me. I know how it is and how complicated our lives have become. Doesn’t stop me from wanting what I can’t have.  If I could just have her for a week, a month…hell, a lifetime.

I know I had all that and threw it away.

Me and Jacky do the best we can.

John

It is so damn cold. There is an icicle hanging from the roof that’s long enough to pin me to the ground if it broke off. I see it up there with the moon lighting it up. Clear and cold tonight and a foot or more snow on the ground. I shoveled the walk but it’s already iced up for the night. The kids are off to a Christmas party. Donna took them. I didn’t want to go and stand around the room while the kids played games and drank juice and ate cookies. See, I know what goes on…I’ve been there.

We’re on our own this Christmas. It seems strange but then we’ve just had a good visit with everybody. Glad the Tess thing got settled out. I hate it for Jack and Terry but what they did worked. We don’t have anything to fear from that quarter.

You know, if I close my eyes my memory takes me back to the House of Four Seasons and Christmas with Toni. Oh, man, those were the days. We had such fun. I don’t think she knows how much I miss her or how much I still love her. It’s strongest this time of year because this was our season together. Yeah, I know I’m all married up with kids and all but for a time there none of that mattered. The world stopped while I was with her.

If we could stop it again…oh, I wish we could stop time. I love Donna; I do love my wife. She’s my life and the mother of my children but in another life there was Toni. We had something going on for a long time. Something special. I married her…I’m still married to her inside. I always will be.  I don’t know if she even thinks about me anymore. We don’t see each other. I guess depending on how you look at it, that’s a good thing. If we lived close I have no doubt but that Donna would end up leaving me. Even though she knows all about everything…she’d leave.

Jack

It was only a moment, an eye blink, not nearly enough time but it was all I had. I was kept so busy at the Admiralty not a moment to myself. I think she liked the pendant and there I had to present it in front of Max and Terry. Oh, well, it couldn’t be helped. It’s hard to think now that she was here, here at Ashgrove of all places, and to meet Sophie. Oh, dear, am I charmed or had a fool’s luck found me?

It would be so…so very wonderful to spend this holiday with her at the cottage in Leigh on the Sea. I don’t want to leave it too long. We need to get back there. It is a wonder how she adapts. She could live there. That I know to be true but it will never happen. She will never know how much I do love her. It’s…it’s not fair but then I cannot complain. I am, in truth, married, very much married and there is  no way I could ever…Sophie being the darling that she is…No.

The stars are very bright tonight. It would be a good night to navigate by them if I were at sea. I should be at sea if not for delays.

“Ah, Stephen, I thought I heard someone.”

“I’ve been standing here for some time wondering where you were.”

“I’ve been on the other side of the stars, beyond the heavens.” I step back from my telescope but he is not fooled.

“You’ve been thinking about your other family.”

“Yes, I have been."  I think Stephen understands though I am never quite sure. His loyalty is to Sophie and quite rightly so. He accepts what neither of us can explain, as does Killick. Had Killick been here at Ashgrove when Toni popped in…well, I hate to think what might have happened. I walk a thin line at times. I am with her when I should by all rights be here. Alas, I cannot help myself.

Toni

He’s gone to sleep, whether the music or the warm wine…I don’t know, but he’s out. I thought he might be. We’re on the sofa, he’s behind me and we’ve got the old quilt over us. It gets cold in the evening unless you have a fire and we didn’t build one tonight. The TV concert is over and I’ve turned the TV off. His arm lies heavy across my waist. The concert was broadcast from Paris. He said we’d be there in person next year. I smiled at that. Paris is not that important although it sounds nice.

I don’t know if I should wake him. He’ll be mad at himself for falling asleep when we’ve got the house to ourselves. I’ll let him sleep a little longer. I turn slightly against him he makes a sound in his throat but still he doesn’t wake. On the coffee table are the empty plates with cutlery piled on a tray. The meat pies were good and satisfying. We’ve drained the pot with the wine and I feel like a cat stretching slowly and lazily. I’m warm inside. What am I thinking? I can’t let him sleep. He looks too good. A soft kiss and then another and he responds. He’s coming alive now. Mmm, blow out the candle before I forget.

I can’t believe I went to sleep. Am I getting old? Oh, God, the feel of her against me, warm and mmm. The wine has my head but Toni has my body. She has me in the palm of her hand. Oh, not literally but, oh, well, she might, heh. When did the music stop or has it stopped? I still hear violins. Is it school boyish to take her here on this sofa…do I care…no. There is no one here but us.

I’ve become all thumbs. Bless her nimble fingers with buttons and zippers. Oh, oh…I’m home…oh, yes. This is what it’s all about, this is why I live. I love her as much as a man can love a woman…"Toni.”

I have no idea what time I stumbled through the downstairs turning off lights and blowing out candles. Toni went on upstairs to warm the bed…she said. I’m not sure how much warmer it could get. We did christen the sofa. That was something we haven’t done in a while, just let things take their natural course wherever we happen to be. You can’t with children around.

The stone stairs are cold on my bare feet but I get up the stairs as quickly as I can. She’s still in the bathroom but she has turned down the bed. We have a warm down quilt on the bed. I always have a look out of the window to see if the moon’s still there, I guess. I’ll crack the window a bit…oops, I need some sort of prop. Ah…a book. Need to fix that.

Hmm, here she comes. “Love you,” a quick kiss, she tastes of toothpaste and mouthwash.

“Hurry!”  Toni gives me a provocative look as she slides in between the sheets.

Oh, gosh…will I!

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