My mother gave me a journal to write down my thoughts. She gave it to me when I was twelve…I guess I didn’t have any thoughts when I was twelve because it’s full of blank pages. I’m fifteen now and unless you think I am just a school boy let me set you straight. I'm pretty smart and I skipped a couple of grades along the way. I graduated this past May from high school and am supposed to start some college prep courses in the fall. I think sometimes I’m never going to get out of school. I got something else to occupy my mind this summer. I'm going to find out who my father is and where he is. It drives me crazy sometimes not knowing. My mother knows and will not tell me anything about him, but one thing I know is I was named for him. I carry his name and I know he has left a legacy for me to come into when I reach twenty-one. I have no idea what it is. I think it's money. So this is my journal of my journey to find him. His name is Ben Wade, same as mine.
My mother calls me Benjy but that’s a kid’s name. I don’t feel like a kid anymore. That’s a picture of me that Mom took a couple of weeks ago. I had it on MySpace. I’ll write a little about me as I think of it. I played football for a few years until I broke my ankle real bad and Mom, who's a nurse, made me stop. So I went into martial arts. I seem to have a lot of energy and need something to do, something physical. I aced it, man. I’m a black belt now and nobody will work with me anymore, so I quit that. I’m horse mad and have a black horse from my uncle’s farm. It’s not far from here and sometimes I ride him over. I live in Lenoir, NC, in a blue house at the end of the street. I found a trail down by the railroad tracks and ride along it sometimes. Mom doesn’t know I still do this. She found out one time when she saw me coming up the trail at the end of our street and had a fit. I don’t understand what the problem is. It’s a good trail.
So here’s what I’ve done so far. I Googled up the name. I get Ben Wade, outlaw. He was a character in a movie called 3:10 to Yuma. There are others that come up but none fit with my age. I was born in 2007 so you do the math. I found the movie in Mom’s DVD collection and I’ve watched it several times. So I asked her if she named me after the movie. She just gave me a strange look and started crying. Go figure. She watches that movie at least once a week and has done so for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I wake up in the night with the music from the movie in my head. I can play it all the way to the end. I think she named me for the outlaw. He’s pretty cool but if that’s so, then who was my father? See what a dilemma I got?
We converted the garage into stables for Florrie and Roam. Roam’s my horse and Florrie is Mom’s. We go riding across the fields behind the house a lot. Mom says she’s afraid the owner is going to sell the property and houses will be built. If that happens, I said let’s move out in the country and she said she’d never give up this house. We’re just on the edge of the city limits. It crosses right in front of our house and if they extend it we’ll have to move the horses back to the farm. I might move with them. I don’t like living in a city anyway even if it is a small town. Something in me wants wide open spaces.
I went to the library and talked to the librarian about genealogy to see about tracing Ben Wade. She got me started with the family I know. I can trace Mom’s family back but I can’t find a thing about my father’s family. None of the Wades I found connects with us. None have ever been around here. I wonder sometime if she’s lying. My mother’s last name is Wade but I haven't been able to find a marriage certificate for her. I know she was married before I was born but he don’t come into the picture at all.
Mom’s at work now. I called her and said I was going to ride over to Uncle Matison’s this afternoon. She told me to be careful, that it looked like rain. I don’t like riding in the rain so I’m going to take the short cut along the tracks. It takes half the time. Oh, I found some leather saddlebags at the flea market and I’ve taken to packing water and a little food when I ride. Roam likes apples so I always pack a few for him. Okay, so I’m leaving now and I’ll take my journal with me. Never know, I might have a thought.
Okay, so this is surreal. I think I’m dead. I have to be. The last thing I remember was riding along the trail next to the railroad tracks. There came this clap of thunder like I never heard before in my life. Roam reared up and I thought I was going to fall off. I was all about getting him under control. Now this is the thing...when I got him straightened out and looked around I wasn’t by the railroad tracks anymore. I’m on a high bluff looking down. This ain’t anywhere around Lenoir. I don’t know where the heck I am. I tied Roam to a tree and got out my water bottle, saw my journal and thought I’d better write this down before I forget any of it.
I mean I’m still feeling like I’m alive, nothing wrong with my body or anything. Got a red place on my hand from trying to rein in Roam. He’s found something to graze on. This don’t seem to have bothered him at all. I ain’t afraid or anything. I can take care of myself. I'm just mystified. There’s something coming. Wait a minute! It’s a damn stage coach, I swear it is! I’m going to follow it.
I been riding like hell and what I’m about to write is still unbelievable to me and I was there. I witnessed a stage coach robbery by a band of outlaws and I’ve followed them to a tiny little town called Bisbee. Where the heck is Bisbee? Anyway it’s like something out of a movie and you know what movie I’m talking about because I’ve seen it several times. I swear I’m in 3:10 to Yuma so you understand I must be dead. I mean there’s no way you can get in a movie, right?
I’m hanging out by a trailer. Several people have passed by me and said hello. One asked me if I was looking for the wardrobe or something. I ain’t looking for nothing, just trying to figure out what to do next. At least they let me feed and water Roam. Boy, he ain’t never run that fast trying to keep up with that band of outlaws headed for Bisbee. You know what? I think he liked it. Somebody’s coming.
I’m back now. For some reason they think I’m a stand in for William Evans. They’ve outfitted me to match what he wears in the movie. The damn pants are too short and the jacket is too tight. I’m just bigger than he is.
I haven’t seen him yet but he’s here somewhere. I heard them talking about him. His name is Russell Crowe and he’s the one that plays Ben Wade. I’m kinda curious, as you can imagine. I don’t know, something's forming in my mind and it’s crazy. Mom’s never been to Bisbee that I know of, but then she ain’t told me everything, either.
My cell phone is not in my saddle bags and I know I packed it. The only thing I can think is that it must have fallen out by the tracks when Roam reared up. I was going to call Mom and let her know I’m okay. I don’t know what time it is but it seems like I’ve been here for a long time. They’re filming now in the hotel. If this follows the movie…don’t ask…I guess I’ll be seeing Ben when they bring him out. Oh, by the way, I told them my name was John Smith. Pretty corny, huh?
I got me a seat on a barrel in front of one of the store fronts so I’ll see him when he comes out. I’m out of camera range so this guy told me so it’s okay if I sit here. It’s interesting how they make movies. He’s coming out now. He seems awfully familiar, but then I’ve seen the movie. I don’t know how to describe it. He’s in the stagecoach now. I swear he looked at me and smiled, then he turned away. There ain’t nothing else around me to smile at. Ha, maybe it’s this funky hat? I swear it smells.
The stagecoach has left now and I’m going to get Roam and follow it. I for sure ain’t going to get close to Charlie Prince. That guy is crazy. They’re going to Evan’s ranch. This part might be tricky cause there ain’t nowhere to stay out of sight. Okay, so some trucks are going to follow. I’ll just tag along with them.
Wow! I almost got shot! It’s dark now and I was going to sneak up to the house. Some cowboy started shooting at me! I just hit the ground and stayed there in the brush. They all came running out looking. I waited till they went back inside and scooted to the side and am now in back of the house. There’s a little step out by the back door with enough light to write by. I left Roam with the rest of the horses. I figured that was the best place to hide him. This is more and more real but then I’m dead so I guess anything goes. They’re going out of the house now. I saw William. He don’t look nothing like me. I’d better go get my horse. I’m going to follow them. You know what’s strange? The trucks are gone. I know they filmed this part. Wait a minute! They only filmed them mounting up. They’re already riding out so I’d better hurry. I don’t want to get tangled up with William.
We rode for a long time. You don’t see this in the movie/ They finally stopped and made camp. I’m not far behind them. It’s cold as hell out here. I made a fire of sorts. I started not to because of William. I know he’s back there somewhere. But I ain’t got a blanket and camping gear. Sorry, Roam, but I ate one of your apples. It sure is quiet out here at night, even quieter than Uncle Matison’s farm.
I had to break off earlier. I got a scare. A gun cocked near me. I heard it and dropped and rolled. Turns out it was William. He wanted to know who the hell I was. John Smith, I said. Anyway he’s not a bad sort, nicer than I thought he might be. This is strange. I told him I was his stand in and he didn’t know what I was talking about. Stand in for what, he wanted to know. Damned if I know, I said. This is getting really weird. Like yesterday it was a movie set, okay. Tonight it’s real. So he told me about following his Dad, who was taking the prisoner to Yuma. I didn’t let on that I knew anything. I said I was looking for somebody and left it at that. He finally went to sleep. Nice of him to give me a blanket, though.
I left out of the camp with William before daylight. Not sure if I slept at all but, hey, if you’re dead I guess you don’t need sleep. I passed through their camp and found Tucker’s body. I left it where it was. Some things I just don’t want to see. Like the two guys spread-eagle on the rock face to remind me this is Apache country. I don’t know where William is. He offered company, you know, but I don’t want it. It’s the awkward conversation I don’t need right now. I mean, I’m still trying to understand what’s going on. I don’t need somebody asking me where I’m from.
I’m ahead of them now. It was a hard slog today over the rocky mountain. I know what happens next and I figured I’d just hide out on the trail to the tunnels. Maybe I’d get to see him alone. I don’t know, I just need to for some reason. I’d like to talk to him. Maybe he knows something. I heard gunfire so it won’t be long now. I ate a bag of potato chips today and another apple. This is a guy who can eat! Yeah, I’m hungry, tired and cold. I thought about doubling back. There was a truck I saw down the mountain but I reckon it’s gone by now. This part don’t get filmed.
He’s gone through the tunnels now but let me tell you what happened. He was as surprised to see me as I was him. I mean I knew he was coming but when he showed up he just stopped and stared at me. I didn’t know what to say. This is how it went:
“Who are you?” he says.
“John Smith,” says me.
“What are you doin’ out here, boy?”
“Lookin’ for somebody,” I said, looking him in the eye.
“You the one that’s been doggin’ the trail?”
“One of them,” I said. “William was the other.”
“Who are you lookin’ for?” he wanted to know.
Well, I let it spill. “My father,” I said.
He rode a little closer to me and had a good look and then he said, “Who’s your father?”
I told him what I knew. “Ben Wade and my name ain’t really John Smith. It’s Benjamin Wade. My mama calls me Benjy, but I go by Ben.”
He was quiet for an awfully long time and then he said, "It’s not possible. How did you get here?”
“I don’t really know. I mean I followed you from Bisbee but I don’t know how I got there. There was a big clap of thunder and next thing I know I’m following a stage coach.”
I swear I thought he was going to cry or something. He wanted to know how old I was and I told him fifteen. He couldn’t believe it. So then I said I was pleased to meet him, thinking he was Russell Crowe.
“My name is Ben Wade,” he said. “What’s your mother’s name?”
“Susan Wade,” I told him. He went dead still and didn’t move.
“I was wondering, Mr. Crowe, if you’d ever met her?” I asked him.
He seemed to come to himself. “I’m not Crowe. He’s the actor who plays me in the movie.”
“So you’re really Ben Wade…the real one?” I wanted to know. I mean there could have been, you know.
“Follow me,” he says and looks around, leading all them horses over to a little stand of trees. I rode Roam over and got down, helping him tie up the horses.
When he turned around I wasn’t too sure he was that happy to see me. He had an awful lot of guns about him and I knew how fast he was with that ‘Hand of God’ he wore. I kind of stepped back and watched.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he said to me. “I never wanted this to happen. I told your mother…Susan, that I didn’t want you to know about me.”
“Why is that?” I asked him.
“I’m not fit to be a father,” he said. Well, that riled me up. Fit or not, I thought I ought to know.
“Oh, yeah? Do you know what it’s like to grow up without knowing who your daddy is? All the names you get called, all the fights it causes when guys say things about your mother. It ain’t been pretty,” I said to him, guns and all. I didn’t care.
“Yeah…I do know. I grew up without either one. You can’t stay here. Ben, you need to go back.”
“Go back …go back where? I reckon I’m dead and this is hell.”
“No, you ain’t dead, son. Where were you when the thunder came?”
“Riding down by the railroad tracks at home.” He’d called me son and that stuck.
He almost smiled like he was thinking of something pleasant. “I know those tracks. You gotta get back there.”
“I don’t know how to get back there. I been looking for you for a long time. This summer I was determined to find out who my father was. Now I know.”
He dropped his head. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I love your mother but you see how it is.”
“Sorry for being my father? I’m not sorry for being your son. I’m glad I found you. I don’t care what you are or what you’ve done. At least you’re a real person to me now not some imaginary guy that didn’t give a damn about me and my mama.”
He looked up at me. “I give a damn. There just ain’t a damn thing I can do about it. I done figured out we live in different worlds of some kind. Sometimes a window opened and I crawled through. It don’t happen anymore. I saw you when you were a baby.”
“You drew that picture Mama has hanging on her bedroom wall.”
“Yes, I did.” He looked me in the eye. I know he can be a little scary when he does that but he didn’t scare me none. I looked back. I am his son, after all.
“I got to leave here. They’re going to be filming shortly.” He looked around, “You stay out of sight. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“Don’t go through the tunnels,” I urged.
He cocked a brow in that way he has. “I have to. It’s part of my story. Why don’t you go on to Contention…get a room at the hotel?”
I looked at him strangely. Was he kidding?
“I’ll be there later on. I’ll try and get you home, Ben, the only way I know. When I ride into Contention, you ride out. Follow the railroad tracks out of town. Wait for me. There’s not going to be time for me to visit with you until then. Do you understand?” he says.
“Yes, I do,” I told him.
He mounted his horse and I untied the others and gave him the reins. He nodded his head once and turned and rode off down the trail toward the tunnels. I sat there a minute and then got on Roam and rode behind him for awhile until I could see Contention in the distance.
I did as he told me to and got a room and a meal. That’s where I am now, waiting on them to show up. It sure was nice to get a meal. I’ll say that for the record. I got Roam one, too. He’s doing all right for a city horse. I’m really worried about Mom. I know how she gets and she’ll call Uncle Matison. There will be big doings if I ever get out of this and back home. Boy, lying on this bed I sure could go to sleep but I can’t. I might miss him coming into town. In a way I’d like to stay around for awhile and get to know him a little better. Oh, man, this whole thing is so crazy and mixed up...some things real and some not. I see the big trucks pulling up to film him coming into town. Now I wonder is it Mr. Crowe who comes in or Ben Wade himself. See what I mean?
He’s here. I’m going outside and get Roam. I might hang around for a little bit but not long. I don’t want to be here when his gang shows up. Somebody snapped my picture downstairs and gave me a copy. I don’t look too happy, huh?
I made it out of town finally. Here’s what happened. Some guy tried to stop me, something about cattle pens. I told him I was through for the day. See, they still think I’m William’s stand in or something. Then there was somebody else saying I couldn’t take Roam. When he grabbed the reins I jumped down and flattened him. Who do they think they are telling me I can’t take my own horse? There were a lot of people yelling when I rode off. Screw ‘em.
I did see William looking out for the gang to show up. Felt kind of sorry for him, you know. He wanted to know if I found who I was looking for and I told him yes. I wished him luck but you know he ain’t got none coming. I left my “William” clothes at the hotel.
I’m kind of exposed out here, nothing but rocks, so I’m hunkered down behind the biggest one I could find with Roam. Hope they don’t come after me about taking him. I’d hate to really hurt somebody but I can and I would if it comes to it. Oh, holy shit!
I can’t even see Contention anymore. I can see the tracks from up here so when the train comes I should be able to see him get off. Man, I’m ready to get out of this place. I’m still pumped but I’m all right. Probably going to have a black eye. It was the security people that came after me in a four wheel drive vehicle. Two of them got out. I thought about jumping on Roam and running but I stood my ground. They weren’t real cops or anything. I don’t care anyway. They weren’t going to take my horse and take me in. Like I said, I can take care of myself. I just ain’t never had to before. They asked me my name and I told them. I guess they thought that was funny. One guy grabbed my arms. He shouldn’t have done that. The other one pulled a gun. He shouldn’t have done that, either. Anyway, they’re tied up in the back of their vehicle. I reckon somebody will miss them and come looking.
I’ve done lost all track of time. I don’t know what’s going on in Contention right now. Me and Roam are up the side of a hill. It's mostly rocks and a few straggly trees. I’m wishing I had kept that too-small William coat. There’s snow up here. I got William’s blanket around me. It helps some. Okay, I see the train way down the tracks.
I don’t know what to do now the train is long gone and I ain’t seen him. I know he gets off the train cause he whistles for his horse and he told me to wait for him. Thing is, I don’t know where he gets off. His horse wasn’t following the train when it went by down below. I might have screwed this whole thing up. It’s awfully quiet up here. There’s an eagle keeps circling way up high. I’ve been watching down below and there ain’t nothing going on. Roam and me are going down.
When I came down the hillside I caught sight of him just sitting there and waiting…smiling.
“There you are, boy,” he says and rides on over.
“Boy, am I glad to see you!” I says, grinning.
“Looked like you had a little trouble back along the tracks.” He’s still grinning.
“Yeah, I reckon I did,” I says to him, wiping my grin away because I figured I was in trouble.
“I like the way you handle yourself.”
“I hope I ain’t screwed up the, uh, window you talked about,” I said to him cause I was ready to find it.
He looked up at the sky. “No, looks like we got a little time. We’ll ride by the tracks.”
I followed him a ways and then caught up beside him. “What if we can’t find that window? I thought you said it didn’t work for you anymore.”
“I believe it’ll work for you.” He seemed confident enough.
“Why don’t you come with me? Maybe I can get us both through?” I was thinking of Mama and how she’d love to see him.
“I don’t think so, son. It’s just too painful.”
“Why does it hurt to go through?” Well, I didn’t know.
He looked at me and I understood what he meant then. “Sorry,” I said.
“Nothin ‘ for you to be sorry for. You go home and take care of your Mama and finish school.”
So I told him about graduating early. He smiled like he was impressed. I told him then I was going on to college in the fall and he wanted to know what I was studyin’ for. When I told him criminal law he bust out laughing and said that was fitting. You know, I think I could really like him if I’d had enough time. Thing was I didn’t. We rode along a little ways talking, you know, and I don’t even remember all we talked about. I know we talked about Mama a good bit. He stopped and looked at me for a long time, not saying nothing. Then he said, “I’m proud of you, son.” I felt kind of funny inside, you know.
“What do I call you?” I asked him. Well, he was my Daddy but I didn’t know what he wanted, you know.
He smiled and tilted his head. “Whatever you want to, Ben.”
So I says, “Daddy,” and that was that.
He looked up at the sky again and motioned for me to ride on. He was as far as he was going. I really wished he’d come with me. I looked up at the sky, too, and noticed how dark it looked all of a sudden. So me and Roam rode on by the tracks. I turned and watched him ride away with that funny feeling inside me again. All of a sudden a clap of thunder sounded and I found myself back in Lenoir riding by the tracks.
I stopped and rode back home in the rain. After I got Roam cleaned up and in his stall I came in the house and, you know what, it was only 4:00 the same day I disappeared. Now how do you explain that? Good thing I don’t have to do any explaining. I’ve laid up here in my bed to finish this journal. I had to write the leaving while I could remember most of it.
So if you’re reading this you might think I made it all up. I still got William’s blanket. Something else I got, too, and that’s a sense of who I am. I know now for certain who my father is and though it can’t be explained in any normal way that people would believe, it satisfies me and that’s all that matters.
I’ve filled up all the empty pages in this journal and am now writing on the back cover. I reckon I’ll hide it somewhere. I don’t want Mama to worry and if she knew where I’ve been she’d have a fit. Oh, something else I got …a black eye and, boy, is it going to be a beauty!
BACK TO "THE FIFTH SEASON"
BACK TO LIBRISCROWE