ALL THAT'S LEFT OF ME

By Jo Anzalone

Chapter 79:

"Daddy, I need a leg."

"Um, what, Johnnie?"

"I've decided to try to ride Kingston an' I need a leg to balance on while I put my right foot

in the stirrup.  Can't do that on crutches. I need to hold onto the saddle an' balance."

George set down the sack he was carrying. Jonathon had come out to the barn to talk with

him.  "I can see you've been givin' this some thought."

"General Hood had a whole staff of men who helped him into the saddle...an' he still had his

left foot so he could mount from that side. I've got no left foot an' no staff so I need to figure

some other way to go about it."

"I heard the government's goin' to be providin' legs to veterans, but I don't know just when

they're goin' to be startin' that.  May be best if we see what we can come up with until they

get around to doin' that."

"Doesn't have to be fancy, Daddy, just somethin' I can balance my weight on for a few

seconds."

"Be best, though, don't you think, if you had somethin' like a foot to slide into the left stirrup.

Give you better balance in the saddle."

"I've been thinkin' on that, too, Daddy.  Hood's leg kinda stuck out to the side but they

strapped him into the saddle. I don't want to be strapped."  He frowned. "Wouldn't seem

right to be strapped on."

"How much leg did he have left?"

"Hardly any, no real thigh at all."

"Well, Son, you got more'n that an' that right there should keep you from havin' straps. What

I think is we got to experiment around an' see what we can come up with that'll work for you."

It wasn't easy. Many things were tried and most of them failed.

"I need a knee that bends," Jonathon said. "I'll never get a straight leg in the stirrup." So

they set about trying other things, different woods, different ways of fastening it on. Finally

George went into Louisville and had a long talk with the doctor and with the blacksmith.

He came home with two large pieces of cork and a lot of wax.

"What now, George?" Adeline asked, shaking her head.

"We need to make a mold of Johnnie's st...thigh. Doc says it has to fit just right or it'll rub."

So Adeline heated the wax until it melted. Jonathon sat on a chair in the kitchen a towel on

the floor under him, his thigh bare.

"Too hot," his mother announced. "Burn your skin off, Johnnie. We have to let it cool a bit

first...some but not too much."  But they waited a little too long, Adeline feeling very cautious

about coating her son's thigh in hot wax, and it started to get hard. She put it back on the fire.

Finally it was just right, Jonathon's thigh had been rubbed with grease, and the mold was

made.

George worked and worked on carving out a socket from one of the pieces of cork, using the

mold as his model. Adeline worked on a lining for it and the straps to hold it in place. Lewis

was off at the blacksmith's getting the finishing touches on a knee hinge. The blacksmith was

a clever man and came up with a spring attached to a side latch that Jonathon could press

even through his pants and the hinge would either lock or unlock, depending on what was

needed.

George had always had a knack for wood carving and carefully measured Jonathon's right

leg, making a lower section of the artificial limb to match exactly the proportions of it and

his foot.  "Really needs a hinge in the foot, too," he sighed, "but I don't know how you'd

control that like you can the knee one."

"Right now, Daddy, as long as I can stand on the thing, I'm sure it'll be fine."

After several days the new leg was ready. Jonathon stood, holding onto the top of a cabinet,

looking down at his feet.  He was wearing pants, both legs down, and he had on shoes. He

stared a long time down his legs at his feet.  He looked...normal.  But he could only feel the

floor with his right foot. There was no sensation in his left, none at all, and the fact of that

made him feel very uncertain. What he did feel on his left side was the pressure of the leg

pushing up on his thigh. It was damned uncomfortable but he thought maybe his thigh would

grow used to it, sort of like getting a callous on your palm from handling a tool over and over.

"How's it feel, son?" George asked, his face rather tight with concern.

"Strange, Daddy. Can't feel the floor, you know. I'm still goin' to need the crutches to move

around. I'm pretty sure of that."

Adeline had been staring at her son's shoes, too.  That's the way her Johnnie should be

standing...two feet on the ground.  "You...you look mighty fine, Johnnie," she managed.

"Try sittin'," George suggested. "Test out the knee hinge."

Jonathon, using his crutches, tried to swing the left leg forward, but it moved in an awkward

arc that was a lot of effort. After two steps like that, George pushed a chair up behind him.

"Here, now try sittin'."

Jonathon backed up to the chair as he always did nowadays and when he felt the edge of it on

the back of his right leg, he sat.  The cork leg stuck straight out. Jonathon fumbled for the

latch, not finding it at first, but then pressing it and the lower part of the leg came down to

the floor.  He looked up at his parents.  "Graceful, eh?"

"It's the first time, Johnnie. First times are always awkward. It'll just take a bit of gettin'

used to, that's all." George was trying to smile encouragingly.

Jonathon got up again, trying to practice moving the cork leg forward as he walked with

his crutches. "I don't like it much for walkin'," he said, "but I'm hopin' it'll at least help me

get up on Kingston."  He went all through the downstairs of the house, but the leg just was

awkward and more in the way than he liked.  Worn out from the effort, he went to his room,

took off the leg, and sat down in his rocker, rubbing the end of his thigh, which was aching

and stinging after the pressure of the leg.

After a while he picked up Virginia's Bible from the small table, not opening it, but turning

it over and over between his palms. He liked physical contact with it. There wasn't much he

had left of her that was tangible, but he could hold the small Bible in his hands and know that

hers had held it, too. Always when he held it, if he closed his eyes, he was back at Rion Hall

and she was so young, so alive, and he could hear the sound of her voice as she read to him,

or see the sunlight on her cheek as they walked out in the meadows. Just over a month...that

was all they had had. Could he live on that?  She had. Daniel clearly wrote that she had. He

sighed, wanting it to be enough. Despite his wounds from Sharpsburg, he had been a whole

man then, had been able to run after her that windy night.  Perhaps part of why it was so hard

to let go of that time was that he had not only been in love, but he still possessed all of himself.

To be in love...and to be whole.  Never again would he have the two together.

He lay the Bible aside, unopened, and went to the door.  He'd been wallowing. He knew that.

"Daddy," he called out, "I want to try to get up on Kingston tomorrow, all right?"

When the morning chores were done, and Jonathon had milked the cow as he'd been doing

of late, Lewis saddled Kingston and led him around near the front porch while Jonathon

went inside to strap on the cork leg.  He hadn't worn it during the morning as it got in his

way more than helped. Now he came down the porch steps and up to Kingston, whom Lewis

had positioned with his right side toward the house. Jonathon tucked both crutches under

one arm and spent a while crooning to the horse, stroking his neck. 

"I know this is different for you, big fella, but it's different for me, too."  Turning slightly, he

handed the crutches to Lewis then he grabbed onto the saddle with both hands, taking a deep

breath, trying to balance well enough on the cork leg to enable him to lift his right foot up into

the stirrup.

Unseen by the concentrating Jonathon, Adeline had come up, taking the crutches from Lewis,

wanting him to have his hands free.

Jonathon had just started to lift his foot when Kingston, nervous from the unaccustomed

procedure, sidled a bit to the left, throwing Jonathon off balance. Lewis grabbed him around

his middle, keeping him from falling.  Jonathon squared his jaw and stood straight again.

He had the reins looped around his right hand and he pulled Kingston's head down a little,

speaking to him.  The cork leg had to be latched straight in order for him to bear his weight

on it and what Jonathon needed to do was get his right foot in the stirrup and with one

mighty heave, pull himself up and throw the cork leg over Kingston's back.

He tried again, but his right foot couldn't seem to find the stirrup and again he almost fell,

but was caught by Lewis. He tried again, getting his foot in the stirrup this time, but not

quite able to get the cork leg over Kingston's back. This time he fell hard, taking Lewis

down with him.  It took him ten attempts to get himself up into the saddle, only to discover

he didn't have enough control over his cork foot to get it into the left stirrup. Lewis went

around and slid it in for him.

He sat there, mounted, a strange mixture of triumph and despair flowing through him. He

was up, but he needed to be able to get up by himself.  He felt like Hood. He had...staff. Hood

was dependent on his staff. Jonathon wanted more than that.

George had gone around and was looking at the left stirrup, thinking about it. "Needs to be

larger, Son, so you can find it better. Also needs not to move forward so much while you're

lookin' for it. I'll rig up a little strap so it doesn't move so freely, maybe make the stirrups,

both of 'em, a little bigger."  He looked up at his son. "You got to be sure an' wear boots

with heels, Johnnie, if I do that."

Adeline had a headache just from watching all Jonathon's falls. "You did real good, Johnnie.

You comin' in now?"  She could see his face. He looked very tired.

"I'm up, Mama, an' I'd like to ride a spell."

He took off down the lane and Adeline sighed quietly, "Oh, Lord! Don't fall off, Johnnie!

Please don't go an' fall off."

"He's a good rider, Sweetheart. He'll do just fine."

"He was a good rider with two legs," she replied, uncomforted. "This is new...different."

Jonathon was delighted. The movement of the big horse underneath him was so familiar and

the entire sensation of riding brought back to him that feeling of wholeness. He experimented

with using what was left of his thigh to press into Kingston's side. The horse responded and

Jonathon laughed.  For the first time since November he felt...free.

Lewis had his black, Mitzy, saddled and ready. "Follow him, Son," George said. "Not too

close, but keep him in sight."

Jonathon reached the end of the lane, passed the Ellis farm, and turned left down another

road. Lewis was tired of keeping back so urged Mitzy on to catch up with Kingston.

"Johnnie!" he called out when he was about four lengths behind. "Where you think you're

goin'?"

Jonathon looked back over his shoulder.  "Gray. I've got to show Gray."  Then he sent

Kingston into a gallop, leaving Lewis in his dust.

"Dammit!" Lewis hissed to himself. "Mama's gonna have a fit."

Despite knowing his younger brother was trailing him, Jonathon was still feeling nearly

overcome with the sensation of movement, of the utter freedom it brought to him. He was

tired, yes, from the effort of mounting, but not tired enough to want to go back. He sped

down several farm lanes, spying Gray at last on his bay, heading toward his family's barn.

"Gray!" he shouted, wishing he had a hat to wave.

Gray turned in his saddle, thinking that had sounded like Jonathon, but...  Then he saw him

practically flying alongside the rail fence and his face split into a wide grin. "You did it!" he

shouted back.

Jonathon slowed a little but didn't stop. "Come on, Gray! Let's go to the pond! You got time?"

"I got time!" Gray laughed.  Then he saw Lewis coming down the lane. "Lewis know where

you're goin'?"

"No...but he'll follow. You can bet on that!" 

Jonathon finally stopped, waiting for Gray to ride out to him. By then Lewis had come up to

Jonathon. "You're pushin' it, you know," Lewis said, trying to look disapproving but not

really succeeding.

Gray rode up and Jonathon took off again.  "Gray, where's Johnnie goin'?"

"The pond, Lewis. Johnnie's goin' to the pond."

Lewis rolled his eyes and headed after the other two.

Jonathon reined up near the edge of the big McDaniel pond, trying to decide how to go about

getting in it.  He thought it might not be too wise to immerse the cork leg so he pulled his

artificial foot out of the left stirrup, shifting his weight to his right leg and holding onto the

saddle, swung the cork leg over Kingston's back.  He wasn't quite balanced on it, though,

because the ground was uneven near the pond and a bit soft, and ended up flat on his back in

the grasses.

Gray practically leapt out of his saddle. "You all right, Johnnie?"

Jonathon sat up, wiping at the bits of grass that had stuck to his shirt.  "Gotta practice that

a bit more," he grinned. "That was my first dismount."

Gray smiled down at his friend. "Not so bad for a first time, Johnnie."

Lewis came up, shaking his head. "At least it's soft here. You coulda got hurt, Johnnie."

Jonathon was busily unbuttoning his shirt. "But I didn't," he grinned, "an' now me and that

pond are gonna get reacquainted."

"You takin' the leg off?" Lewis asked.

"Yep. Looks like skinnydippin' time."

"Like at the Allatoona millpond," Gray chimed in.

Soon all three were stripped to the skin, Lewis and Gray had unsaddled the horses, and

Jonathon, with Gray on one side and Lewis on the other, hopped the few feet to the pond.

Jonathon was in a good mood and cracked, "Well, I'll never get my feet wet again."

Lewis frowned. "What're you meanin', Johnnie? You're standin' in the pond."

"Yep, but I can only get my foot wet...not my feet."

Gray laughed but Lewis wasn't at all sure he found that funny.

Jonathon bent his right knee and slid forward into the pond, curious to discover what it

would be like to swim with one leg.  Gray and Lewis remained standing knee-deep in the

pond, watching him intently. Gray turned briefly to glance at Lewis and noticed how tense

his face looked. Resting a hand on Lewis' shoulder, Gray said quietly, "He'll be all right.

You'll see."

"I can't help worryin' 'bout him, Gray. He came home so sick in '63 an' almost died on us,

then this time he came home lookin' barely alive. He's just...."

"I know, Lewis, but we have to help him get back as much of himself as he can. Look at him.

Don't he look happy?"

Jonathon was surprised by how easy it was for him to swim and for the second time that day

he experienced a familiarity of movement, only in a different form. "Come on!" he called

back to them.  "Bring the horses!"

So in a few moments there were three young men and three horses swimming in the pond.

The water still had a springtime coolness that was refreshing and Jonathon dove down,

swimming underwater for a long distance, which caused Lewis no little concern.

He surfaced in a foam of white bubbles and Lewis blew out a breath of relief.

Pushing back his hair, Jonathon sent a long spray of water out from his mouth, then laughed,

turned and stroked toward Mitzy, who was nearest him.

Pulling himself up onto Mitzy's back, he rode her through the shallows

then guided her out to deeper water where the two of them swam together.

Sliding off her back, he struck out across the lake. Lewis headed after him. It didn't matter

that Jonathon was eight years older than he was. He'd gotten used to taking care of him,

watching out for him, and he couldn't just turn it off. He had to admit, though, that seeing

his brother swimming with his legs out of view beneath the water, brought back memories

from before the war, and something in him that had felt insecure because of Jonathon's

injuries and illness and because of Billy's being in prison, began to lessen. He was the

youngest of the three brothers, quiet, responsible, and for four years had been doing a man's

work to help his father run the farm during the war.  Jonathon was swimming, just like he

always had, and suddenly Lewis let himself feel like a kid again, and dove under the water,

holding his breath a long, long time.

The three of them laughed and splashed each other and it was as much like old times for all

of them as they would ever know.  Then it hit Lewis that his mother would be worried

because they'd been gone so long.

"I'm goin' back on up to the house now, Johnnie. I got to let Mama know you're all right."

"You go along, Lewis," Gray said. "I'll give Johnnie any help he'll be needin'.  Tell your

folks we'll be back real soon."

"Thanks, Lewis," Jonathon called out as his brother led Mitzy out of the water. "I should've

thought of that myself. Tell her I'm sorry."

"I'll tell her what a good time you been havin', Johnnie. That's what I'll be tellin' her."

Quickly he slipped his clothes on over his wet body, saddled Mitzy, and rode up the hill

toward the McDaniel house.

As they watched him ride away, Gray asked, "How old's he now, Johnnie?"

"Almost 18. War lasted any longer an' he'd been in it. He could've been in it anyway, but he

didn't want to leave the farm all on Daddy's shoulders."

"Must've been hard on him, what with both you and Billy off fightin'."

"Keeps his feelin's pretty much to himself, but it had to be."

Gray splashed Jonathon again, making him laugh.  "I like the sound of that, Johnnie. Makes

me right happy to hear that comin' from you."

Jonathon slicked his wet hair back again, smiling broadly. "You said it, Gray, that comin'

down to the pond would be good. You were more right than I knew."

"How you want to be goin' about gettin' outta the pond, Johnnie?"

"Like this!" Jonathon chortled, hefting himself up in the chest-deep water onto Kingston's

back.  He rode up onto the grass, both he and the horse dripping wet.

"Well, now ain't you a sight! You ridin' home like that, not a stitch coverin' your hide?"

"Guess that wouldn't be all that...appropriate...now would it? But, damn, here I am up on

Kingston an' if I get off, I'll just have to get back on again."

Gray got out of the water, handing up his shirt to him. "Well, put that on an' then let's see."

He studied Jonathon as he slid his wet arms into the shirt and buttoned it. "Long tail. Not

bad if you just stay on Kingston when you get home, but if you get off...."

"Yeah, you're right. Guess there's no gettin' around it, eh?"

"Guess not." Gray went around to stand near Jonathon's dangling right leg. "You start slidin'

down an' I'll give you a hand."

That worked fairly well and soon Jonathon was sitting on the grass, reattaching the cork leg

and getting his pants and shoes on while Gray dressed then saddled the two horses. While Gray

had his back turned, Jonathan leaned onto his elbows in the grass, looking up at the sky. It was

then he realized what he wanted to do more than anything. He wanted to tell Addie about his

ride and about the pond.